April 2001

I'm starting to wish more and more I could be normal. For a long time, and still I suppose I almost tried to be different. I never fit in with most people and so I made myself as strange as possible and to cope with my dark clothing strange make-up and I suppose even with my religion (I went against the religion I was raised with) as well with self-injury. I'm realizing more and more that I was and still am trying to find a place where I fit in. I've come to find a few reasons I don't fit in and haven't for a long time. My clinical depression and anxiety disorder for one, something I've yet to completely overcome and I suppose even my sexuality as well. I've become so dependent on anyone who accepts and it's gotten me into lots of trouble.

I dated my best friend for almost two years before I admitted my sexuality and now he basically hates me for it. I hate myself for hurting him so much and I almost believe my life would be easier if I have just stayed with him and pretended. He told me last night over AIM (though he says he's not talking to me anymore) that he resents me, sometimes even hates me, and I make him want to die. I care about him more than anyone and I've ruined every strand of friendship we had. He makes it feel like my sexuality is just one more thing I have to be sorry about, one more reason that I'm not good enough for anything.

I'm trying so hard to finally be proud of myself but I just can't seem to be. I hoped that out of all people he would understand, and for a while he acted great about it, yet now he hates me. On top of my normal depression I can hardly handle feeling as sad as I have been. I have great people in my life but it still seems as if everything is falling apart and I'm so scared of losing people.

I get so nervous around my friends now when they joke about hitting on each other and such, I used to joke as well, but now that people know, now that I'm sure I'm afraid of scaring people. I still have people I can joke with but I think I'll always be paranoid. I can't even comment on friends clothing anymore without being afraid I'll give the wrong impression. I just hope things will start getting better before I go crazy!



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