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Jason Hoffman

April 2001

i am not a school shooter.

So they're showing the "Making The Band" marathon here on MTV on the first day of my Spring Break (during which I have to work on a long, involved, insanely technical Film project) , and I've seen maybe two seconds of this, but man, while these guys are cute (okay, two or three of them at best) , they're dumb as hell. They have the most vicious queen (thank you Annie Lennox) of a publicist *ev-ER*, this slithery little whip of a man who always wears tight black and uses his cellphone like it's the weapon of choice in the Old West, and obviously both lusts for/has-nothing-but-contempt for them. Their sweetiepies back home appear to have been for the most part disposed of by now (because 'attached' does not equal 'superstar fleshtoy' doncha know) , and they're being managed by that corpulent, Jabba-the-Hutt guy who used to manage 'N Sync before they sued his ass and took all their money away from him. He's truly frightening. He sits there, lolling in his own cholesterol, while they prance around without shirts (the one plus) doing what has to be the worst choreography I've ever seen (*hip-hop pattycake?*). Then again, I don't watch "Popstars," though I read (MightyBigTV.com shoutout! read them! love them!) it's just hysterical. O-Town's (bad) choreographer was cute, though.

I briefly wondered what brought on MTV's upcoming "Icon" special about Janet Jackson, until I saw her video for her new single tonight. Yet another case of MTV playing sycophant -- and they do it *so* *WELL!* I love Miss Janet to death and always will, and am thrilled that she's got an album coming, but what *really* pisses me off about MTV's promotion of the "Icon" special is the repeated slogan, (paraphrasing) :"Her voice made her a star. *We* made her a icon." Oh, shut the *FUCK* up, bitch. You want to know who made Janet Jackson an icon? *Janet Jackson.* But then, I've noticed that in a lot of their Ultrasounds and other specials, MTV just *loves* patting itself on the back ("...and MTV was there!") , so this is nothing new. God, the love/hate/hate relationship I have with MTV is really perverse. Sorry, Kids At Home.

As for the special itself, it was a'right. They spent most of their time congratulating Janet and not themselves for once. Macy Gray's cover of "Love Will Never Do (Without You) " was simply awesome, and I understand Destiny's Child's cover of "Let's Wait Awhile" (not one of my fave Janet songs -- those are probably "Love Will Never Do," "Alright," "if," "Rhythm Nation," "Empty," and "What About") was quite good, but I have yet to track it down on dying!Napster (sob) or BearShare. Now, the 'N Sync cover, *that* was scary. They covered -- wait for it -- "That's The Way Love Goes."

You heard me. *'N Sync.* Covered. *"That's The Way Love Goes."*

I could make a grocery list of the things wrong with that but I won't. They even recreated the fucking video, with their dumb asses lying around on couches and mumbling 'like a moth to a flame, burned by the fire...' I couldn't decide whether to choke on laughter or go into seizures. Justin Timberlake spent most of his face time jumping around like a retard and yelling "she's hot!", in yet another misguided effort to prove to us he's not gay/bi (which I was sure of the first time I saw his happy ass) .

Almost scarier was the Buckcherry cover of "Nasty." Now most times I totally advocate cross-genre covers, particularly punk covers of pop/R&B/etc. songs. I usually really dig those. But I'm sorry, no amount of 'ecletic' or 'different' can tell me that didn't suck ass. It was *weird.* There was like one guy in the audience dancing; all the rest just stood there gaping in horror. They also noticeably didn't cut to any of the attending celebs. Oh, Buckcherry. You are not my cherry pie.

I am once again stressing about grades, though this time it probably is warranted. I neglect work for bigger work, or no work at all, and it's a problem. There's *no* reason for me to not do well in any of these classes. *None.* It's a matter of sitting down and applying oneself, which you can be allergic to, particularly in your first year of college. I just hope everything can be pulled out all right. My Lit class looks to be okay, but I haven't talked to my professors in two others that need work, and I'm worried. Worried worried worried. If I fuck this up it's no one's fault but my own. My one solace is that I felt these exact same things last semester and I did great. So I'm hoping it will all go okay. The other big stresser is getting my Film department crew hours -- all fifty of them. Whee. It can be done, but *WHAT.* A. Bitch.

All right. De-stressed now. Talked to friend Jana who reassured me that these SocSci classes I'm so concerned about are pushovers, as are the professors. Happy now.

"Gundam Wing." I'm big on anime these days, and I'm big on "Gundam Wing." I won't lie to you; I watch for the boys. The boys are really cute. And they're all visibly in love (though it's never outright stated -- oh don't look at me like *that*) . It's fantastic. It's like "Queer As Folk" meets "Voltron." Totally tubular, babe.

I apologize for using the phrase 'Totally tubular.'

Let's move on.

Speaking of QAF, I haven't been able to see any of the US show at all. I saw a little of the UK show and would probably prefer to watch that, but I wouldn't mind watching both. I am Showtime-less. Sob.

Pissed at the Oscars. "Erin Brockovich" was a histrionic, overblown lead balloon and I hate it so. Ellen Burstyn WUZ ROBBED!! Doubly pissed that they cut Bjork's performing time in half, thus eliminating the duet portion *of a duet song* and cutting out Thom Yorke. So it's poor Bjork, looking as nervous as hell, with a microphone and herself and some string quartet guys. Usually that's all she needs, but this is a different situation. And then they let Sting and his shit-tastic Disney song and Bob Dylan and his retread thing (come on, take me on about it. take umbrage. come on. let's go.) go on for like a century. Fuck you, Oscars. And fuck you, Julia Roberts.

Grrr. Arrgh.

Better now.

So how about the fact that the San Diego shooter and I share the same name? My parents suggest I change it. What I find really funny is that the guy was described as '210 pounds and a wall of muscle...they called him "The Rock!"' Yeah, uh, that's me.

NOTE TO ANYONE LOOKING FORWARD TO THE UPCOMING TOM CRUISE MOVIE "VANILLA SKY":Get over it. "Vanilla Sky" is a remake of a 1997 Spanish film called "Abre los ojos (Open Your Eyes) " *also* starring Penelope Cruz (who appears to be playing the same role in both versions) , which is sort of a love story meets "The Matrix"-with-no-fighting-or-FX. I rented it on a whim, and it had a lot of potential but, IMHO, was a minor letdown. The cast is wonderful, and the story is built on great ideas, but they're not executed as well as they could be at all (and I *don't* mean in terms of fighting or FX -- this movie is better and bigger than that) and you're sorta left like "that's it?" However, het horndogs will be thrilled by the shots of Penelope Cruz's tits. Anyhow, check it out if you wanna see where "Vanilla Sky"'s coming from. I don't expect it to be any better; in fact, I expect it to be worse, but I'll see it just the same to see what Cameron Crowe and co. do with it.

Off to go through the rest of my rentals:"Almost Famous," "The Contender," and "All About My Mother."

Wow. This month's has absolutely no relevant commentary whatsoever. La la la. Blithe, blithering me.

floating through life on happy magic cloud babbling about irreverent crap,

jase (fa la la)

--

Jason Hoffman is a bisexual nineteen-year-old Film major and freshman at the College of Santa Fe in Santa Fe, New Mexico. He originally hails from the bonny gravel and mud of Washington, D.C, or more accurately Chevy Chase (yes, you heard right), Maryland, a suburb just outside the city, which lives up to its reputation as a bourgeoise fascist paradise. He is overly single and hugs his stuffed monster Blinky and girl friends for vicarious comfort. Ask him about Peter Gabriel, Bjork, or Tori Amos and get a kiss. He loves "Buffy," "Angel," "The Exorcist," "Twin Peaks," "Labyrinth," and lots else. Jason is by trade a writer, screenwriter to be exact, but you wouldn't know it from his lack of output. E-mail him (me) at jaseybrite@aol.com.


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