May 2001

Andrea, 16, is a high school sophomore in Arizona.

Sunday afternoon I woke up at the hospital not knowing where I was. It turns out I drank too much Saturday night at a friend's party. I was so excited to have the chance to get drunk after a horrible few months. I just wanted to make everything go away, to stop thinking, to stop dwelling. I guess amidst the excitement I forgot I hadn't eaten and that alcohol would affect me more than normal and I downed over five shots of Wild Turkey. I must say it's among the stupider moves I've made. The thing is some good seems to be coming out of this already. For one, I know to be much more careful when drinking and that I'm only going to make my problems worse, plus it reminded me about the alcoholism that runs in both sides of my family and that with all my problems and bad coping skills I WILL become an alcoholic if I'm not careful.

The other good thing that came out of it is the conversation I had with the person who is currently my closest friend. She was rather mad at me, something she rarely is at any of her friends. I guess I realized how I was acting with the drinking and in general. I know that I need to stop dwelling on things and being afraid of things needlessly because I'm letting myself really hurt me. I've eaten normally today (so far breakfast as well as lunch) something I haven't done at all in a week, and I'm more serious about not cutting.

Other people have always been the most important to me and I don't remember ever really caring about myself. I'm finally realizing that to be a truly good friend and be there for other people I have to be willing to take care of myself and have respect for myself. I'll never find a truly good relationship, or even have the guts to look for one until I do that. I want to be the best friend I can be and I've realized that's not beating myself over mistakes, or hiding things (like my sexuality) from my friends. I want to be a truly good person, and be able to truly be someone.

I want to be like the friend that made me realize that! The fact that she was truthful to me like most people aren't... in a way I'm not usually. It's not always easy to truly change, but it's possible and I know that I can do it and I will! I want to be proud of who I am, and I'm getting there. I read some of my poetry today and I'm actually beginning to think it's not half bad! Maybe this self-esteem thing will end up working after all. I'm really not all that bad! I'm proud of my sexuality, I'm not going to be afraid of it anymore, and I'm not going to be afraid of any part of myself. This is already feeling good!



©1995-2001 Oasis Magazine. All Rights Reserved.