May 2001

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' Jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land
Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there
--Train, Drops of Jupiter

This song sums up how I feel lately.

Loneliness sucks... now with that said, let me delve deeper. I don't mean actually being alone, without human contact. I mean the type of loneliness you feel even when surrounded by people. That's the type of loneliness I feel here. The type of loneliness that can only be cured by certain people that aren't here. Ya know? People I love are miles away, whether it be only a few or hundreds, they're still miles away. And that makes me lonely. And there is nothing that I can do to help that feeling, short of seeking these people out --which is not an option most of the time. The people I'm surrounded by tell me they feel the same way and we try to comfort each other but we're too new, too unfamiliar, to really help. We are not those people miles away, no matter how hard we try to be for each other. I can't really express what I'm trying to say...this writing thing is new to me. But I keep trying because it does help. It helps me not feel so lonely because I can express exactly how I feel. And it's easier because I don't have to say anything out loud (which contrary to popular belief, scares me shitless). And no one can shoot me down or tell me I'm being silly.

You know what it is that makes me feel so lonely? It's the fact that not so long ago, I never felt lonely. I was surrounded by those people that are now miles away, the people that weren't new or unfamiliar. And it's knowing what not being lonely feels like that makes being lonely here all the more hard to bear. I think another part of it is that this loneliness is coupled with uncertainty. I can never really be sure that those people that are miles away will come back or be there when I come back. That's the part that scares me the most. Those people are miles away trying to find themselves, just as I am here, searching for who I am. Only, my search is inconclusive... so far, I haven't come up with the answer. All I get are more questions, and more uncertainty, and more loneliness. Before, I used to be able to help them look for who they were and they helped me. But now we're all on our own, alone, searching for ourselves. So what happens if the people that are miles away find their answers but I don't? What happens if they found that their lives are better off without me? What happens if they found what I used to provide them in someone else, someone new but not unfamiliar? What happens if they find their answers with the help of someone new and not me? Will there still be room in their lives for little, old, uncertain, lost me? What happens if they come back, but don't come to me? That uncertainty is what makes me feel lonely here. And no amount of reassurance can even attempt to quell that. The only thing that can fix that is time and learning that they will come back and that they will be there when I come back. And time will tell if there will be room in their lives. But this waiting, uncertain of the future of anything is harder than anything I've ever had to endure. And once again, the only thing I know for sure is that I'm lonely.

And that I don't know who I am. I look forward to try and see if I can find answers there but it's black and cloudy. I look back to where I've been but that just makes me remember who I used to be and how I used to know who I was (or at least thought I did). And that doesn't work at all. I want to go home but I'm afraid to be there. Does that make sense? Actually, I'm afraid of using home as a crutch. I'm afraid of needing home to much and not being able to make it on my own. I know people think that's what I do. But I don't want to. I'm trying so hard to stay away, to keep searching here. I've been doing good lately, but it hurts a lot, staying away. But even home is uncertain. What I want is to go back to the home I knew before, with those people around me, where I knew who I was. But that can't happen. So what am I left with? Uncertainty and loneliness.

I know this stuff might sound dumb to some people but it means the world to me. Those people that are miles away are more important to me then family. They are part of me. I just don't want the time to come when they're part of me but I'm not part of them. And sometimes, it feels like that could happen. Those are the times I feel the loneliest. Call it insecurity, call it fear. I don't care what you call it. It's true. Yeah, I'm insecure. But how can I be secure when I don't even know who me is yet? That's why I need reassurance from those people miles away, who may feel just like me but can't tell me because they're more scared to admit it than I am, even to themselves. Something, anything to let me know that right now, it's ok. I'm not asking for a prediction of the future, just something to make me feel a little less lonely right now.

I don't know. All I know is I'm trying so hard. But I'm not getting any answers. Maybe I need to try harder. Maybe I'm not looking in the right place. Maybe it's not time for me to find something yet. Maybe this is all I get. Who know? I guess I just have to keep going. What else can I do?


PS--I'm a new writer so I'd love to hear what you guys think about my article. Feel free to email me with anything, from feedback or to just say hi! Thanks!

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