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Chad

May 2001

[hey anybody with a good topic for me, let me know! I was a little slow in writing this!]

Well how was everyone's month? Mine was definitely weird. I have three new friends, and I've lost a few others. I have told two of my three best friends that I'm Bi, they don't care. I have a friend, Elissa, who helped me write this article. I also have, lets call her Amy. Amy is Bi too, at school, and has helped me considerably since I was sort of outed at school, though no one believes it really. I don't know whether I wish they did believe it or not. Life is so weird. Also I have Onyx, another friend of mine [that's his nickname]. We are so similar it is scary, and I really wish he lived closer to me than he does. Sometimes I would love to have someone like him next door, to go cry too. A lot of times I feel so alone [I need a boy friend badly, or I need to get the girl at school I like un mad at me]

Have you ever found something that just makes you feel so much bigger and more important? I have that when I am outdoors, camping. I haven't camped in a few months [darn winter] and now I feel like I'm going to scream soon. I go out there amongst the tall graceful trees and feel connected to something huge, then when I leave I still have a little bit of that with me, a strange calmness and inner peace. What does it for you guys?

I love poetry now, I took a special English class that had a week long poetry section, and now I love it. At the end of this I will put a poem I found and like. If anyone is interested I'll give you the URL for the other 15 online, also if you want me to read anything of yours, I'd be glad too, I won't be fiendish about it...

I have finally gotten some decent grades in school, though it is only 1/2 way through the quarter. If I can only keep them up. Maybe get on the B honor roll, I can just see the look on my mom's eyes

I am on the school newspaper next year, I can't wait. We also have a special section for poems and stories and I think I might try and help out with that, and maybe send in a few poems anonymously.

Another question to people of faith: How do you deal with it? I no longer know what to do, I don't know what I believe. I see Christians, Atheists, Wiccans, Buddhists, Jews and all *know* that they are right but not everyone can be right, and they all seem to have some many wrongs and grey areas, even Atheism to my thinking. Any advice there would be *greatly* appreciated

Chad, who hopes someday he can tell you all his real name, his school, etc.

tgbfgh@yahoo.com

A poem by Renee Womble, "The Battle Within"
[read it all, the ending is good and describes how I feel right now]

Darkness prevails within this hurting soul of mine,
A darkness that will take maybe even years to erase in time.
A darkness filled with anger and so much pain,
A darkness that always remains the same.
I cry out for help and find no one that understands,
I reach out but come back with empty hands.
I try so hard to explain, but find that I cannot,
For the darkness has enveloped me and where light is
only a hope, a mere disappearing dot.

To talk is so hard, I find myself shivering in fear,
I find that I cannot accept the love you give when you are near.
Why this is so, I cannot say,
All I know is how I feel this day.

You must understand that love and light are not of my world,
Never have I known these things, not even when I was a small girl.
I shiver in fear when kindness is given to me,
For I do not know what I am expected to be.

I know that I can love with no limits or hesitations,
I know that I can be forgiving with no expectations.
These things I know without a doubt or fear,
These things I want you to know and hear.

But even so I battle with myself inside,
For there are many things that I hide.
Feelings that I have trouble explaining or making clear,
Feelings of terror, sadness and fear.

I am afraid of losing you and so many others I love,
Simply because of these things I fight with and dream of.
I am afraid of you and others turning away,
That is why I hide the feelings and things I want to say.

You see there is always a constant battle within this hurting soul,
A battle of fear and pain, and of always being alone.
A battle of knowing that there will never be anyone in
my life to share with or hold,
A fear of everything I know and love being gone.

I have lost so much in such a short time,
I know that the things I want will not soon be mine.
The pain and fear that fill me are so hard to bear,
So hard yet even harder to share.

I ask that you bear with me and this battle within me,
I ask that you help me to overcome these thing so that
I can be what I want to be.
Be there for me with a gentle loving hand,
Be there and please try to understand.

I know it is hard for you as it is hard for me,
But please, take time, listen, and help me to see.
That you really love me, and will always be there for me when I need you,
Because, believe me, I do care and love you....

I just need help and understanding and care,
Help me to learn how to talk and share,
Help me please to become a whole person inside,
Help me to face the things that I hide.

Help me, that is all I ask, with love and tender care,
Be patient, and help me for it is a heavy burden I bear.
Help me to overcome all this and then,
Help me to overcome and fight this battle within...


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