May 2001

"I want to be Bob Dylan." That's from my favorite Counting Crows song, Mr. Jones. If only. That's all I can say, if only, for just one day. I invested the last of my first paycheck on the person I am going to be. I bought what I wanted, I wore my hair the way I like, and I was beautiful. It isn't often I say that about myself, but I was different. I was happy. For this brief moment in time I realized that I was so happy it made me want to cry. I was walking home thinking about all these things I wanted to write down and I found this roll of nails. I smiled. Do you know how long it has been since I found a roll of nails? Over a year. I was walking alone tonight and I found this nail roll, and it made me realize how happy I really was. For such a short time I was the happiest I have ever been.

I went this amazing Lifehouse, Everclear, Matchbox Twenty concert. It was so great. Our seats were not the best but they were still pretty good. Of course for some reason we could not clearly hear Lifehouse. Most of what they were singing was blurred. Everclear was so cool, my friend is now totally in love with the guitarist that was on our side of the stage. She also swears that Rob Thomas looked straight at us, which I am not sure if I totally agree with that, but it felt like it a couple times. I am writing this two days after the concert, and I still have not got my full voice back, but I think I sound better like this anyway. Rob and Kyle Cook did this... I don't even know what to say to describe it... cover of Cyndi Lauper's Time After Time. Of the entire concert that was the absolute greatest song. I just wish Kyle had been on our side of the stage, he is so beautiful, but then Adam Gaynor was, so I was not cheated... This concert leads me to want to go to many more, and so I am going to have to make it a point to go to more. At this concert. My friend and I argued as to whether Tiny Dancer was done by Rod Stewart or Elton John. This afternoon we watched Almost Famous, and argued the same thing. I only argue Rod Stewart because I know she's right. I knew it before, but it's funny how clueless they all think I am.

I know what I'm talking about, and yet they don't care. The causes of the civil war. I try to explain to them but they look at me they way they always do, like I'm this airhead because I don't go to class. My mother's boyfriend has this thing he says, about how he thinks I am trying to cheat the system, and it hasn't caught on yet. I'm only doing what I want. I am only living as free as I can. So when I try to explain who I am, or anything at all, they laugh, because I don't go to class. That's all this world is to them, and I find that sad.

A friend of mine, one I went to Australia with this past summer, told me as she drove me to work that this guy she is in orchestra with told her I told him I was a lesbian. My response was something like: well you know, I do like the ladies, but I wouldn't go calling myself a lesbian with the boyfriend and all you know. I know she believes him though. My word means nothing to these people, and I guess it's to be expected. All I am is how they see everything. She took this, or seemed to take this as a joke. She doesn't want me to tell her she is half right, I know her well enough to know this. She doesn't dislike or discriminate, but she just looks differently at gay/bi people then she looks at straight people. Which makes sense, because, hello, we are different, but I find it a little odd for some reason or another. She is questioning her own sexuality right now, and another friend of ours is bi, but shhh... I am not supposed to know, I was told by accident. I do not know why, but the people I hang out with are so out of touch in some ways. They hide more and don't attempt to discuss anything. At least not with me. When I am with them, I do it too. Maybe it is a sickness. It must be. Hiding everything behind jokes.

Have you ever thought that maybe it wasn't an apple? That it was only raining, and that little chicken had no idea what hit her. As chicks are frequently caught off guard.

My boyfriend moved to Texas. The only person I ever introduced him to was my best friend. The boyfriend is 22, so my friends never got the "in school" chance to meet him. And the best friend is now back in California. So these girls I eat with, they don't know. And I guess I can't expect them to believe me. Then again it is my nature to expect too much.

When I met Shelton, a guy from work, I told him I was involved. I told him about Texas. He smiled, laughed and asked if I knew what was said about long distance relationships. Well, Honey, I was raised on them; I wanted to say. I developed a relationship with my father. And he was in prison you know. My best friend in the entire world lives just outside of LA. And everything I ever wanted was always so far away.

There's this line from a Goo Goo Dolls song, Two Days in February: "Something I can't touch I always want way too much anyway." Yeah that makes so much sense. But we already had this talk didn't we, I want way too much.

I am going to LA at the end of this month. To the best friends prom. Yay! hehehe. This was just an idea before, but it actually seems like it will work because I will have money now (got me a job don't cha know). I will have to take a train, or plane or automo-something down to him, but I think it will work. I am very excited, the last time I was in LA I was just at LAX and that was that. Now I will be going out and doing stuff. I am going to swing it so I can go to school with him so I can meet all these people he is totally in love with. But first, I need to get me a dress. I know the dress I think I want, and it is from this very "cost effective" store that sells everything under the sun. So I am thinking I can get a ball gown type of dress for under forty dollars (I may have spending money, but I was still raised poor). Let us all keep our fingers crossed and think fluffy black with sparkly rainbow butterflies okay? For me? I am going to have to dye my hair too. My hair right now is so many different colors of orange and red. I just, two days ago, put in these fire red streaks, but I will have to redo it. I will have to do all kinds of girlie stuff that I do not usually do. I might even have to finally quit biting the nails for this occasion (hehehe, yeah right!).

So my mother went to the store and rented "Chuck and Buck." For those of you who do not know it is (very, very simply) about a guy that is obsessed with this other guy friend from childhood who he messed around with. Anyway my Mom rented it, not knowing anything about it. The morning before it had to go back she was going to drive me someplace and she picked up the box as we are about to leave and says: "this is a faggy movie!" Hmmm... faggy movie? My mother is a real gem isn't she? I said something like "oh yeah I have to watch that Jonathan's in that!" (for my friend/acquaintance Jonathan is in it) She looked at me puzzled, I think wondering why I was not sharing in what she though was a humorous situation or something. She drives me crazy though, I need to move.

Talkin' About Other Peoples Columns...

This is just some stuff on mind after reading a few columns last month. So, um... hmmm... How shall I ask this? This portion of this here column springs from having just read Jason's April column. If this comes across bad, well, I mean not to offend him in anyway. This is really just something I have been meaning to ask because my most recent ex-girlfriend and the current boyfriend both are into anime. The ex had a thing for one or two of the Sailor Moon chicks, and someone from what I believe is called My Goddess, or something similar to that. The boyfriend is also a big time Gundam Wing fan. He even has action figures... which I call his dollies (hehehe, if he were to read this, he would be upset, he hates it when I call them that), but anyhoo, back to the question I have yet to ask. When those of you who do watch anime watch it, do you realize that these characters you are watching are cartoons??? As in they are not people, yet you are attracted to them... maybe I'm off base here, but yeah isn't that like falling in love with your dog or something? Well, maybe not that extreme, but still... the difference?

Okay, here is another something that springs from another column... forgive me, I have trouble writing to people about their columns... Anyhoo, so Umm ... Audie? I think her name is Audrey... but who knows/cares, we all know who I am talking about, she wrote something about people who are different being laughed at... yeah, that's all weird/different people are, entertainment... turn on your television, it's full of weird or different people (that was not meant directly to her, for I mean not to offend). I am just saying, if someone is not like you, not your normal, you tease and make fun of them... ah human nature, what a bitch.

Oh, Look! Another comment on someone's article! Yay! Chad wrote something about being over weight and being out of circulation. To that I say: My best friend is gorgeous... I have yet to meet someone who is attracted to guys and does not think this. Well, dear friends, every guy he is into is at the very least chubby, if not more then chubby. So yeah, Dearie, you and every one else who thinks your way are wrong, but in this case that is not a bad thing... :O) I mean, yeah some people are not into you, but hell, if you were thin, or "well built," my friend, and all others like him, would not even give you a second look.

I should really just quit reading right now, but I can't, so here is another comment springing from a column. This time it has to do with something Travis wrote. I absolutely enjoyed his column, and really my comment has nothing to do with the overall column, but this came to mind, and so I decided to put it down. He wrote that some stuff he was given to read did not state why one sexual orientation is normal and all others are looked at negatively. I just want to say that it is my belief that heterosexual is the normal orientation because it is just that, normal. Standard and common. More people seem to be hetero then homo or bi. As for why other orientations are looked down upon, it's because they are not standard and common. It's the same reason why some people who are not Barbie Doll look-a-likes feel less then cool. They are not looked at as cool by the people they think are cool, because they are not the same, and if different were cool, they, the now cool, would not be.

Okay, this column will be long, but I have to say this while it is on my mind. From so many people you hear that being gay doesn't define who you are. To put this nicely, that statement is incorrect. If you think it defines you, then it does. Maybe to some of us this doesn't define someone, yeah that's cuz we all are. This, realistically, does define us to a lot of people. I do not want to disagree with the statement, but I have to. I don't know why it really came to mind, I think I just get tired sometimes of people saying this. Whatever you do defines you, it has to, that is who you are it is right for it to define you. Why do so many people have a problem with homosexuality defining them? I mean obviously because of stereotypes, but there has to be more, we can't all be that shallow.

If we were all Barbie Dolls: All the Barbie Dolls have something different about them, but they have a lot in common. So you either pick apart Barbie, or you lump her with every other Barbie. This one has stickers, that one has pink color for her hair. But in the end they are all Barbie, right? Right. So why don't we say: This is normal old blonde Barbie, that is one with hair color, that one is ice cream parlor Barbie, and that one is lesbian Barbie. Those are their "things" unique to them. Maybe there is a lesbian Barbie with hair color, but we have to keep the lesbian part into separate her from the other Barbie with hair color. If we didn't, identities would be mistaken.

There is something out there to define us all, and we are defined by it, whether we like it or not and so then do we go and be even more outrageous, so that we will have something different to define us, but it has been done. The clothes, the hair, the tattoos and piercing, they are the same as many other peoples. So you are defined as lesbian prep with belly button ring. Because there are so many other preps with belly button rings that are not gay. Now you are unique... and no matter what you do, it is going to be there. In the end, it's the heart that matters more... isn't it?

This Too Shall Pass...

Hey! You know the: This too shall pass statement? Is that from ye olde Bible? I am thinking yes, but then I am thinking that that is so fatalist that is a little funny. You know that feeling you get when everything sucks and you want to die? Well, I have come to realize that this statement works wonders. I mean, so there you are, sitting up at three AM when you have school/work in the morning inflicting pain upon yourself cuz, hell, you have run out of tears to cry, and that uncontrollable laughing stage has passed, so what else have ya got right? Yeah then this pops into your head. This too shall pass. What the hell is that crap right? But then, it's true, and you know it. You don't want to quit feeling all fucked up, because that's all you really feel you know at this point, but you have to feel different. Putting something out of your mind doesn't work at 3 AM. So you dwell on "this too shall pass." Come what may, it will get lost, or fade out into some distant memory that at one point you might recall as a part from an old movie. Just think, where would I be if I were not who I am... thinking that the future will come so yeah this sucks, but what good is dwelling when it 5 PM and you don't need to dwell, when you have options?

I feel this here applies to my constant state of mind:
"She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough,
I'm a little bit rusty and I think my head is caving in,
I don't know if I've ever been really loved by a hand that's touched me,
and I feel like something's going to give"
-Push, Matchbox Twenty, Rob Thomas

I find that even when I am happy, I feel this way. And I know it isn't just me, and I don't feel sorry for myself. Of course there are all kinds of lyrics I could apply to myself, I know me the best. But this just happens to fit so well. And I thought you all should know. That is why music is so good, it's everything you are wrapped into just a few minutes, it's everything you hope for, hate, want, need all with in a few minutes. It can make you, change you, your mind.

I think a lot of the time all I want is to drink this all away. I want to be one of those people that lives a life of endless intoxication. But then, I know I am not that kind of person. But I wish I was. I wish I could fail doing it the hard way and still feel good. If only I were something more then human. I was watching the discovery channel the other night, this show about stigmatics. I think I might like that. Then my purpose would be so clear.

Holy Christ this is longer then normal, but I have to interject just a little more stuff. In my English class there is this thing on one of those cork boards. One picture is a drawing of a guy in his underwear in the background there is the word gay written repeatedly. There is a drawing on both the left and right side of this first drawing that can be slid over the middle drawing. Both are of clothing drawn on clear overhead plastic. On the left is clothing that was described by someone in my class as a Fred Durst look-alike, the border to this picture says repeatedly everyday guy. The pic on the right has kind of disco like clothing and a border that say faggot repeatedly. I have no clue what this is for, but it intrigues me, and somewhat sickens me. I am sure that it is not mean to be disrespectful. It's most likely meant to be one of those things that shows even the fags are everyday guys too. Yay! Congratulations to you all! The explorer students who we share the room with now know you too can be normal. Hmmm ... I wish I knew what the hell it was for. But then, if wishes were wings I could fly to the moon and never get tired.


Josephine is a 17 year old bi chick born and raised in western Washington. She is kinda queer, but hey, who isn't? Hehe... She is all employed and all obsessed with the music she loves, which is really lyrics she loves thrown together with sound that makes her want to scream or cry or dance. She went to church on Easter Sunday because her father wanted her to, and ended up crying because Madeline's father wanted her to dance. She would like to say Happy B-Day, I love you and you're beautiful doll to whom it applies (all of you know who you are I am sure). She is one who reminds you to listen to the lyrics carefully. And finally, she has a question for you all that she would really like a response to when you decide to e-mail every comment you have to her at EmbezzledEmotion@hotmail.com. So here goes: If pigeons could talk, do you think they would speak something of the kindness of strangers?

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