Chris Kryzan

May 2001

Hi Chris,

I'm thirteen and I live in Michigan. For the past three years I have known without a doubt that I'm gay. I first realized it when I found myself becoming attracted to men. Everyday I became more and more attracted to them. Then, about a year ago, everyday I would lie in bed having visions about having sex with a celebrity (I don't want to name who) and while I was doing this I would get very hot and sweaty. I always find that when I lie in bed doing this I move around a lot. I still do this everyday and I do this about three times per day now. Once in the morning when I first get up, once in the afternoon and once at night. Every time I do this when I'm done I think about how sick that is and that I have to stop. But it's really not that easy for me it's like I'm being controlled it's like I have to do this everyday no matter what.

When I'm not in bed doing that then every minute of the day I think about him being with me, holding me and becoming lifelong companions for the rest of our lives. I dream about this everyday about being with him. It seems like it's becoming a realty now. As time goes on it becomes more and more of a realization to me. But once in a while I think about this and I realize that he is not with me and I'm still alone. I feel so obsessed living with him, having sex with him. And the more I dream about this, the more isolated I become. Sometimes I wander if I really am gay or if I have a mental problem. I feel that I don't belong in this world, anywhere in this world except in the arms where he is, with him is where I belong. And that's why I feel alone.



Hi Andy,

There's nothing too unusual in what you're going through--I think a lot of guys have had similar experiences, and it may just be you coming to understand who you are. Celebrities at one level are certainly unreachable, but at another, they are someone we can very much attain, or seem to become close to. For you, living as a young, gay teen probably with few, if any, openly gay people in your life, I know the world can sometimes seem to be an unwelcoming place and that can often be one reason why a celebrity can become the focus of our attractions.

It's also important to know that masturbating to the thought of guys like this--whether they're a celebrity or not--is absolutely fine and natural. There's nothing "sick" about it at all. I know that it can be surprising for a guy to find out he's attracted to other guys, and there are people who would try to make you think that's it's unnatural--but the fact is, for a gay teen, you're just doing the same thing straight guys do thinking about girls.

At some point you'll want to deal with what you admit is an obsession, because it's something that if it takes up too much of your life, will become unhealthy. The answer may be to start dealing with and accepting your own sexual orientation, whatever that may be. Everything you say, however, suggests that you're most likely either gay or bisexual, and you begin with stating that you've known you are, as well. I think once you start doing that, and connecting with other gay youth in your area, you are likely to find that there are some guys nearby who are deserving of your affections, and will return them.



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