May 2001


In my last column, I talked about this guy I kissed during a New Year's rave. I didn't even think of the consequences of my actions. I've been thinking about it and to sum it up: how far have I fallen?

That question was on my mind this Spring Break, too. I was sitting in a recently opened coffeehouse. For a change, I felt comfortable and at peace with myself.

A year ago, I was a gay man who had gay friends who could rival Carrie Bradshaw's friends' antics on "Sex and the City." Now, I'm considered a 'straight guy' with no gay friends at all. Again...where did they go?

Let's see...

My friend Paul (of all of my gay friends the proudest of his orientation) had to face a lot of personal problems. He did get through them and found love and a career on the way. He moved away, but we keep in touch.

Billy was the naive new guy of our group. To my knowledge he still is as naive as when he first joined the group. He still also just cannot seem to say no to any guy with a pulse including other people's leftovers. We just don't talk.

Then there was the gay couple in my circle of friends. When a person starts to get the impression they're suppose to be honored to be allowed to be around them though, that person isn't in a friendship. That's how I feel about them so now I just don't hang around with them.

Nothing against my straight friends. They are okay whether they know I'm gay or not. I need gay friends who are actually...well, friends. They know what you are going through because they have been there themselves. For the gay people in hiding, gay friends are the ones that you feel comfortable unwinding with. They are the ones who will support you enough as you try to come out.

Without my gay friends as a support, I found myself back in the closet. I became as self-loathing as the 'straight acting' guy in a personal ad. I felt ashamed to find the guy attractive or even be kissing him where once I would be proud. To answer that question from New Year's...I've fallen FAR.

Without my gay friends, it's like I'm a college freshman all over again. Then I was hoping to find at least one gay person and found a group to accept me. Now I would like to find some gay people, but I just don't find anyone who I fit in with.

I'm not totally straight acting. I'm not a total fem. I'm not white. I'm not a blonde. I'm not a drop dead gorgeous guy. From what I've seen around here, if a person isn't one of the following no one would like to hang with you.

Does one even come out if he knows there is no support for him now? If he does, where does he go from there? I've personally wondered how did I wind up back at square one in the first place?

LaTorre (who is 21...really.)


You can send thoughts, comments, and death threats to my spanking new address anya_at_willow@yahoo.com.

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