Glad You Could Make It!
Once again, it's time for another article dealing with God-knows-what. I'm rather anxious to see how this one turns out myself. I don't ever really go through any planning, I just write and hope that what comes out is something that I can live with as well as something that you, the reader, can get something out of. I trust that your month of April went by fairly well, and if you celebrated Easter, you had a fun one (I sure did). I think for this month's article, I'll just go through some of the highlights of my month and add a little profound (?) insight every once in a while. Let's get started...
Revelations (No, Not The Book In The Bible)
I came to a rather startling revelation this past month--I need to start exercising! I'm by no means fat (I'm only 135 lbs.), but I can already see some places growing a bit soft that I would rather not see do that. I've decided I'll ride my Mom's exercise bike a couple of times a week and then when things get a little nicer outside, I'll start running again. I've also started (trying to, at least) eating right. Food really does have a part in making your mood and your overall feeling. Although a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese tastes great, it doesn't entirely agree with me after eating it. I'll let you know next month how much I've stuck to my plan of (semi) healthy eating and vigorous exercise.
On a completely unrelated note, my dental hygienist yelled at me because I don't floss. I do everything else right from what she told me, but flossing is something that I needed to do more of. Ugh...just one more thing to worry about. But on the brighter side of things, it will keep her from yelling at me. I think that alone is worth it.
Things Are Happening
Yes, they most certainly are. If you read last month's article, you'll find that I mention a very special young man whom I referred to as "B." To refresh your memory, B is someone that over the past couple of months that I've grown rather fond of. We both play the same instrument and share similar tastes in music, and we get along quite well. The thing with B and I, however, is the differences in our respective ages. B is only 13 (almost 14--two more months), and I'm 18. The way our friendship has developed over the past few months deserves some attention, and I will devote some time to explain things in the following paragraphs.
I've known about B for about a year. He's the section leader (a.k.a. 1st chair) in the middle school jazz band, and he most certainly deserves the position. For his age, he's quite a good player. In fact, he was a featured soloist with the jazz band for the 3 or 4 festivals that they went to this past year. Overall, he's a good, well rounded musician. That's what caught my eye at first.
Everytime I heard B play, for some reason I have yet to figure out, he always brought a smile to my face. Perhaps it was the love for the music that he has and can show while he's playing, or just my awe at the skill the command of the instrument that he has at such a young age. Whatever the case may be--upon reflecting on this whole matter--I fell in love with his playing first. Not to sound arrogant or anything, but his playing reminded me a lot of myself when I was his age. There was only one other time where I've been able to relate to a player like that, and it was about 4 years ago at a music camp that I went to.
But I digress. B's Dad was my a teacher of mine in middle school and I've gone to school with B's brother for a number of years now (his brother is a junior). His oldest brother used to work at the pool that I frequented in my youth (and whom I stared at in the showers, as well). His next-to-oldest brother was in the high school jazz band before I was in high school, and I always thought he was cute. So pretty much, that whole family of guys is rather hot (except for Dad). The point of this paragraph was just to illustrate the variety of levels I'm connected to the family. Of course, this was just a Reader's Digest condensed version, but I hope you can get the gist of it.
A while after hearing him play, whether it would be at concerts (the high school and middle school usually have joint concerts as we have a rather small school district), or at festivals that both bands attended, I started to take interest in him. With all the raw talent I saw in him, my thoughts were of helping him hone in on those talents and help to be the best player that he can. I also started to take interest that he was a very fine looking young man.
Last year came and went, and other than just talking to him every once in a while and the like, we really didn't get a chance to get together for a music lesson or anything, much to my chagrin. This year comes rolling around though, and I was determined to have things change.
Jazz band rehearsal at the middle school is at 7AM every morning. School for me starts at about 7:45AM, and since the middle and high school are separated only by a baseball field, I can easily play at early morning rehearsal and then walk across the field and not be late for school. So I started doing that every so often. First, about once every couple of weeks. It took me a long time to finally get to actually going to rehearsals, but about the time that Spring Break came along, I was already in a routine of going about once every week and sitting in with the band. B and I for a long time had wanted to get together for lessons, and when Spring Break finally came along, we did.
Nothing but music happened at these lessons. He had some really good questions about jazz theory, approaching the instrument, listening (CD) suggestions, that sort of thing, and I was able to answer all of the questions that he had. Our second lesson over Spring Break, I gave him a CD because I already had all the songs on it on other CDs, and he needs to build up his collection anyway, so I figured that I'd help him out a little. By this time, there was no denying it, I had fallen for the guy.
Up to this point, our relationship had only been at a musical level. But after this, we got to know each other as people as well, and that was what solidified things for me. He's an absolute gas to be around! He's always making me laugh and he's quite a sensitive young man (not something that I would expect from a middle schooler). Contrast that with his ability to be firm in his convictions, and you've got one of my ideal kinds of guys. Ever since one of my best friends moved away last year, I really never was able to connect with anybody in the way that we connected. That is, until now.
After Spring Break, B and I didn't see each other for a while because he grew rather ill. But when he came back to school (and jazz band rehearsal), I couldn't have been happier! A few weeks after that, we were taking another joint high school and middle school trip, but only this was for concert band and choir (he was in both ensembles, I was just in the band). The choir director in our district directs the middle and the high schools, and the day before the trip, he brought the choir (with B) to the high school to practice in the nearby choir room. The time that the choir director brought them over was the same time that I have my independent study class in music, so I was able to walk across the hall and watch the choir rehearse.
Little did I know, this was a key point in the development of our relationship. For you see, after rehearsal (after school was out), he came back as I was putting my stuff away and getting ready to go home. He asked for a ride home, to which I promptly replied yes, and I gave him one. I decided to make this a standing offer--since I had to go to the post office every day to check our P.O. box, and his house was on the way, I could give him a ride home every day. He agreed to the idea.
So the next week, we started our now normal routine. I would wait for him at the end of the day in the band room (where my final class, independent study, was in), and he would come in and we'd go to his house. About a day or so after this, we both decided we were hungry one day after school and decided to eat at a local place that makes good sandwiches. We went in, ordered, and being the responsible EMPLOYED adult, I paid (as you can imagine, he has no source of income). The next day, we both decided we wanted ice cream, so we went and had some ice cream at another local shop. So far, everyday that I've taken him home, we've stopped somewhere and eaten or have enjoyed a pop, milkshake, etc. (Can we say sugar daddy?)
It's because of this 1/2 hour or so that we spend together each day that we're really gotten to know each other, and it's when this started, that I officially came to the decision that I was in love with him. As far as I'm concerned, he's one of the most charming people I've met, and I really enjoy his company. I genuinely feel that he enjoys mine as well, not so much by the fact that he continues to take advantage of this generous situation, but from the conversations we have. To make a long story short, the other day, he called me one of his "favoritest people in the whole world." Wow. I was astonished. And I knew that he meant it, too. For the rest of that week, I was on Cloud 9.
In another conversation we had, we were discussing this age difference in our friendship. He said that he doesn't think of me as a high schooler, and I told him (truthfully) that I don't think of him as a simple middle schooler. We think of each other as friends.
As far as his knowing about my being gay, he doesn't. And he won't for a while. Being from a religion that looks upon homosexuality as something VERY wrong, he shares similar thoughts. BUT, not entirely. He doesn't hate gay people, he just doesn't like the "behavior." At least, he maintains this position.
When I introduced him to a lesbian teacher friend of mine at the high school one day, I asked her (when he wasn't in ear shot, of course), if she thought he was gay, and she very adamantly said he was. I have to rely on her Gaydar because mine is broken. Other friends whom I've asked have also said that they get a definite reading on him. That's well and good, but the big moral question that I was starting to deal with even before the official verdict of my peers was, "How far do I take this?"
Let's all keep something in mind before I proceed: I'm going under the assumption (a well founded one) that B is in fact gay, but is either unsure of himself or just reluctant to let me in on his little secret (or something else that I've failed to think of).
Keeping that in mind, a few scenarios have played through in my mind. First, we're just sitting at his house, talking music theory or something, and he leans over and kisses me. What's a boy to do?! Or how about the old, "I really want you, let's get wild!" scenario, as he starts undressing, grabbing me, or both? Notice in all these instances HE'S the initiator because I'm sure not ever going to do something like that. In Scenario #1, would I kiss him back? I would probably say yes (after all, it's not rape if it's a kiss, for heaven's sake!). Then we'd have to have a L-O-N-G talk about things, like on how we couldn't ever really have a sexual relationship, that sort of thing. Well, not till he turns 18 (but like I said last month, by that time, I hope to have moved on). In Scenario #2, after demonstrating an iron will that knows no bounds and resisting this temptation, I would have to sit him down and have an even L-O-N-G-E-R talk about how this sort of behavior is unacceptable in the eyes of the law as well as my own morals. I would tell him how much I care about him and that we could still be friends--really close friends at that--but where there are things sexual involved, I'll just have to draw the line. That's about the best that I can come up with. E-Mail me and let me know if you guys think of anything better.
And if anybody out there reading this thinks, "God, what a pedo!" I'd rather you not E-Mail me and try and make me aware of this. This is something that I've been dwelling on for quite some time and I've reached some rather sane conclusions, I feel. First, I don't normally like guys his age, thus it's not a normal behavior of mine. Secondly, I don't have purely sexual feelings/urges for/towards him, as I've tried to illustrate. I can honestly say that I care for him in a very deep way. He brings so much joy to my life--much of which I doubt he even knows about--and he's the kind of person that you just can't help but like. Regardless of his sexual orientation, I know that I have a good friend in him first and foremost, and that's the most important thing to me. I hope that we'll continue to go out to lunch, the pool hall, or wherever every day after school, and I hope that we'll both continue to enjoy ourselves and each other's company--up until the very difficult day comes when I'll have to leave for school.
Thinking about it now when it's not too far in the future really scares me, to be honest. As trite as it may sound, I can't say that I've ever had feelings like this for someone before. B has brought so much to my life that I couldn't type fast or long enough to let you know more than a tiny fraction of what I feel for this young man. When that day does come, though, when I have to leave, I'll hope that he'll know how much I care for him, and I also hope that I can confidently look him in the eye and tell him exactly how I feel...
P.S.: If anybody has been in a similar situation (being older and liking a younger guy or vice versa), E-Mail me and let me know about it. Any help in something like this from somebody who's been there before would be greatly appreciated!
Mike is an 18 year old, semi-closeted individual living with his mom and stepdad. He is interested in music, computers, music, reading, music, writing, writing music, listening to music, composing music, arranging music, and other music related things. Mike enjoys feedback and would like to hear from you, and can be reached via ICQ: #56413145 or by E-Mail: Mike_17@gay.com