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Tyler

May 2001

Last Month

Well, last month I said I was going to try to start coming out to more people. As of the day I am writing this, it has not worked out that way. I have good intentions, I just have not been given the right opportunity yet. I am still trying though.

Also last month, I said I was thinking about including my coming out letter to my parents in this month's article. At first I did not think I would do it because I felt it was something very personal. Well, after receiving a bunch of emails from people out there, all saying to included it, I have decided I will. If you read my letter, and it helps you in anyway, or it touches you in anyway, PLEASE EMAIL ME. (tyler4us@hotmail.com) I want to know if including it truly has helped.

The Letter

Disclaimer: At the time I wrote this, which was sometime in Feb. 2000, I had some different views then I do today. So, some of the stuff which I wrote then, I do not still fully agree with. Most of it is minor stuff though. Also, I wrote two versions....one longer then the other, and to tell you the truth, I don't remember which one I gave them. I am pretty sure it was the longer one which is the one I have included here. And with out any further a do....The Coming Out Letter!!!

Dear Mom and Dad,

This is the hardest letter I have ever had to write. I sit here trying to think of how to say this and trying to type through the tears......I'm gay. I know you probably already suspected this, but I have just always been so ashamed and afraid to tell you. This is NOT a choice I made. This is the way I was born. Nothing in the world is going to change it. It has taken me so many years to admit it to myself. I know I have no control over this, but yet I still feel so bad, and I feel like I have let you down. I don't know how I am going to be able to face you after you read this. I know you will probably be understanding, but if not I will understand. If it has taken me this long to admit it to myself and to finally get what little courage I could to tell you this, although I'm to much a coward to tell in person.

I'm just so glad to have had the wonderful times I had when I was young. I can't thank you enough for all the camping trips, letting us get the best dog in the world. All the little things that we always did as a family. I just feel that somehow that is all different now, I know it's not, but it seems that way to me. Like it happened in another life or something. I don't ever expect you guys to understand my situation. How could I expect someone on the outside to understand when I'm nowhere near understanding, and probably never will be. I can't expect you to understand what it is like to love someone and to know that you will never be able to tell that person or ever have that love returned. To have to always make excuses as to why you never had a girlfriend. To never want to go to the school dances and stuff because you were afraid that somehow the truth would be found out. And now that I am done with school and don't have those worries anymore, I now have a new job with even bigger worries. I don't know what I will ever do if/when they find out my 'secret'. I guess it is only a matter of time. I'll have to deal with that when the time comes.

Sure I could go find a girlfriend and probably even get married and have a family of my own, but I could never do that. The pain would be to great. Sure I could fake my way through, but it would tear me up inside just like it has done for so long. The pain is one reason I am telling you this. I'm tired of living a lie and having to hide from everything. It just hurts me so much to see all my friends with there girlfriends and to see how happy they are. That's just something I have to live with. I guess what hurts you can only make you stronger. Maybe someday I will have someone also. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I just want you to let me live like I have lived. Just try to understand. I have a few friends from the internet who I talk to a lot, who share my pain. We talk about life and things, and what we would do if people found out. They have been a big help. I can't imagine having to go through this without some of those people I talk to. We help each other. It is like an extended family.

I don't know if half of this makes any sense. Like I said, this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I really don't know if I could talk to you about this. I'm not sure how things are going to be after this. I realize you are going to want to ask me a ton of questions.....at least that is what I have heard from others who have gone through this. I don't know if I could answer them. Oh, another thing, I just want you to know that not all gay people are like some of the people we see. There are so many gay people who lead totally normal lives. People who are as normal as anyone else. I am one of them. I don't like those people who are 'flaming'. I don't hate them, that's just not me. Don't think that you have to like all gay people now just because you know about me. I don't like all gay people, so how could I expect anyone else to.

I don't need any lectures on aids, or any other diseases. You don't have to worry about that. I know a lot more about that stuff then half the people out there. I don't need any mental help. I don't need things to change. I don't need to be treated differently. I just need to be loved and understood, at least as much as one could expect. I know this is not something you wanted to hear from one of your sons, and this is NOT something I wanted to have to tell you, but this is the hand I was dealt, and so this is the hand I have to play.

I love you both so much,

Okay, now that I have let you read the letter, again, PLEASE EMAIL ME and let me know what you thought, or if it helped you, or if you hated it, or whatever. You can email me at: tyler4us@hotmail.com

See ya

Tyler


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