With endings so quickly approaching I feel as if I can no longer be the person everyone wants me to be. I am to everyone something different, and this good girl image that I have developed just kills me. Through out the years of my disheveled and mistake filled past, and even to this day, I always pride myself on doing the "bad things" the very best anyone could see me doing them. It is hard to do that when no one is paying attention to what you do. When they look at you unrealistically, like you can never do any wrong.
This isn't me saying oh, yes look, I was the best druggie ever! This is me saying that even when I did what was looked down upon, I was admired by some because of it. Maybe not by all, but by those who surrounded me. By those who I wanted to impress.
These days I am finding that there is no one to impress. I don't need to impress my father, he thinks I am the very best no matter how many times I fail. I don't need to impress my mother, she isn't even in the same world as I am. My sister looks to me as though I am everything no matter what I do. My best friend really is only that when he wants to tell me something, he stills holds on to some blinded ideal that if he does not give me what he thinks I expect I will disown him or some other drastic untruth. My boyfriend is at a point where his judgment of anything is so unreal that it is hard for me to understand why it is that I have not fully realized how irrational he really is. I don't love anyone else. Why should I impress those who I do not know or love?
(There are people out there who I do love other then the above, but I love them at more of a distance [God, of Wisconsin, Jonathan, John I do love you guys, even if we never speak]. I am so removed at this point from everyone though that it is so odd.)
Sometimes I sit here and write, looking at my picture of my best friend. Looking at my picture of Adam Duritz. Looking at these faces of these people I cannot live without and I wonder why they are so much more special then I am. Why is it they who I chose to in some form idolize? I want to fall l asleep forever, but then wake to find that all I missed I could remember. I want to find that all that has passed me by has actually taken the time to document itself to me, for me.
I do not think that I am that pretty, and yet I am complimented almost everyday. I find that life is in no way fair to either the beautiful, or those who are far the opposite of beautiful when things like this occur. I am neither plain nor unattractive, I am neither fit nor obese, I am neither charming nor rude, yet I am found to be lovely. It is insanely tragic how much beauty is confused out in the world today. Out in my own back yard. In my own 7-11.
Each day situations appear before my eyes and I can't help but be drawn to the looks of each person performing in each of them. I know what I like, it is my worry that I cannot always voice it when the situation arises that I should. This is not purely my speaking of sexual orientation, this is of everything I find attractive, exciting, amazing. This is of everything in life that seems to pass us all by when we are drawn to one person because they are paraded around in front of as though they are truth, and we have been given nothing but illusions for years.
We are not who we want to be. Who we truly want to be. My mother stops me, my father makes me second guess, and all of my friends make me feel as though I am five again. Each day we are mean and judgmental, we break spirits and pass it off as Social Darwinism just to say that it isn't so. Sometimes everything is so tragic.
At this point all roads lead here, not to Rome. Why is it that we are blind?
I have fallen very hard for this woman I work with. She is so interesting, and so beautiful. Not only is she a psychic but also a minister and she makes jewelry. How could I not fall for her? I don't want to do anything, or attempt to do anything with out the boyfriends support, but it is becoming increasingly hard to see her everyday and say nothing.
Josephine is a 17 year old bi individual living in western Washington desperately seeking solace from anything other then the conformity. She is drifting from one day to the next thinking that the idea of life as meaninglessness and hopelessness is not very good, but that it is all we really have. She is not upset, or even really unhappy, just fading, drifting, blending. She asks that you please tell her what is next. What is it that is waiting for her, and all of us? What is it that is eating us alive? She urges you to remember these few words: We are our own empire, live what you can, then flee to Canada... if you are not already there. Email can be sent to EmbezzledEmotion@hotmail.com where it will be gleefully accepted and most likely responded to asap. Sweet dreams.