Ben Shepard

June 2001

I have been having so much trouble thinking of a good idea to write about for this month. Everything has been so weird. In a nutshell, this month I was failing English because of William Faulkner, I baked 136 cupcakes in my quest to run my school, have developed a crush on a guy I have never talked to, and I came out to my ex-girlfriend.

I do not understand why teachers care so much about research papers. I realize you'll need them for college or whatever, but after that, what are they good for? You spent weeks finding information on your topic, have a nervous breakdown over creating a good thesis (my english teacher takes of 15 points for a weak thesis) and then after all the shit you went through, she says to the entire class: "I was very disappointed in almost everyone's papers". Well, I showed her (and probably me) since I didn't hand in one to her. I chose to do my paper on William Faulkner (basically because I heard it was Randy Harrison's favorite author. What can I say? I am a sucker for cute blondes.) I can't really complain too much about my english teacher since she was the first teacher at my school I told my "Secret".

I spent four and a half hours last night baking and frosting 136 cupcakes for my campaign for class treasurer, and then for Student Council president as well. I was also thinking of putting up some posters that said "Cake Boy for treasurer" but since everyone at my school thinks my OPPONENT is gay, it wouldn't have worked too well. I am thinking it would be pretty funny if I won since half the people who promised to vote for me are very outspoken homophobes. And by the way, I NEVER want to see another cupcake as long as I live

Last night was also a memorable occasion because I came out to one of my ex-girlfriends while on IM. I know, it's a cheap way to tell someone, but I had to, I can't stand lying to people. I was surprised that she was really cool with it. I felt so relieved when I told her, since she was the last girl I really "went out" with before I wasn't physically attracted to girls. But, if you could've seen her...she's the only girl I would EVER switch for.

I really do not like being the only gay guy at my school, unless some others are slipping under the gaydar. On the plus side, there are every few really cute guys at my school, and most of the cute ones are jerks. BUT, thanks to hormones (or is it horniness?), I still have developed a major crush on a guy in my 4th period study hall. He is really quiet, I have never even seen him open his mouth. Blonde hair, pale lips, blue eyes, actually, he's quite plain, but there is something about him I find irresistible. Watch, In like a week I won't see it anymore and that crush will be kaput. But, I still haven't reached the pathetic part yet: I have never said a single word to him. If you didn't know, I am a really shy person while a school, especially when I am around a person I think I can, or do really care about. I really hate it, I am able to go up to someone and say "Do you want a cupcake? Vote for ME!" but I can't go up to a guy and just say "Hey. What's your name?"

Does anyone remember when they first realized they were gay? I keep reading about all these people who say that they were gay when they were age "X" when they saw their best friend showering and getting a woody. Honestly, I can't remember when I first said to myself "You like boys, you're gay!" I can remember always thinking of the guy friends (which were very few) as being very cute. Sixth grade I was so happy when Keith Simmons would ask me to sit next to him during math class, but I digress. for some reason, it just seems very strange to me. Well, I guess that's all for this month.



©1995-2001 Oasis Magazine. All Rights Reserved.