I've been wondering recently if what I'm experiencing is my (assumed) inauguration to what is known as being in my twenties. Blankly, the loss of concentration and drive, constantly being distracted by the pathetic-ism of my life, and all its little mundane trivial tasks that I carry out from day to day.
I don't remember it being like this before.
I remember being a lively and driven individual, with things popping up here and there to focus my energy on. I guess that made me lucky. Projects and people coming out of nowhere left and right, and now, I exist in this blah-ness of reality that I can't quite understand...
Wake up... check e-mail... get dressed... eat something...
I remember just a year ago being so motivated by a personal topic, vendetta, working on my website, writing articles and mindless ramblings.. as being something that I put my energy into, and got wired off of. To the point where it would keep me up all night, and I would sit outside on the roof of the house just watching the sun rise... and that would...
... satisfy me..?
... or pacify me..?
It's hard to tell now. And it's even more difficult to explain, but I've found myself having more and more problems and complex excuses on why not to sit down for twenty minutes and bang out my thoughts and perceptions to share over with the world.
I think it's the encouragement that finally rubs off enough motivation and support on my to do it. A certain friend of mine (who shall remain nameless-- you know who you are) pesters me monthly, and several times around the day of the Oasis deadline with...
"Did you write your article yet?"
"Are you going to write it?"
"You didn't write it last month.. you better this month."
I find his encouragement moving at times, and at other times, unbearably annoying (ever envision crushing your fist through someone's skull?-- hmm.. maybe not).
Possibly it is the idea that I have: that there is nothing much else to say; Aztec is a creation that's stored someplace in my mind, and holds on to my inner-most insecurities, criticisms, and thoughts. Maybe it's the possibility that I've grown past the need for that protection field. Possibly, I have incorporated all the parts of me into a more balanced person, to where I'm comfortable with expressing my cynicism and my persecution and my disgust with the world on my own terms, as whom I really am, and not an anonymous face behind an anonymous name, among a world of anonymous figures.
That might be the question of the day to answer.. something that I've been pondering for quite some time. Should I destroy the whole Aztec façade and introduce whom I really am to the readers that I still interest.. or is this option just a waste of time and something that could just create more personal risk for myself...
But that doesn't help with my issue of being in my twenties, and I don't think it's an answer to the countless waking nights that I spend staring at the wall or the television; in exchange for where my time used to go: the computer and my witful expressions (http://www.freespeech.org/aztec).
At least I was in the situation before, to where, even if what I said never mattered to people, it did always matter to me that I used my creativity to create something, rather than stare aimlessly at the glowing television in front of me, or the dancing shadows on the walls of this dim-lit room.
Maybe I have just lost sight of where I was going. It seems I so radically used to know where I was, where I was going, and why. And for the life of me, I can't remember what, where, or how, any of those beliefs were considered.
A stagnant soul, in an ocean of decision, with currents traveling both ways; a barge that keeps passing, throwing me a rope, but I just can't figure out how to climb aboard.
Possibly without my even knowing it, this confession is a rebirth in itself, and that determination is returning after its strange six-month hiatus.
Hopefully so; I don't know how much more I can take of this lack of motion.
Aztec Yhessin [email@example.com] lives in South Bend, Indiana, and is a 21-year-old ambisexual, whom is a lot less angry than he used to be, but yet bitter all the same.
You can visit him on the web at http://www.freespeech.org/aztec, or find him hanging from time to time at the boards of http://www.ourfreerein.com.