Eric K.

July 2001

June 30, 2001

Hi! My name is Eric K. and this is my diary.. The reason I am writing this is to clear my mind and sleep. Everyday I talk to myself (that sounds weird) contemplating my life and who I share it with. The problem is that I think non-stop which prevents me from sleeping. So now I am sitting her writing to myself. So before I start this diary, I would like to give a background story of myself and then I'll go to what happens daily.

Since you now my name, I won't bother repeating it. I'm seventeen but in September I'll be eighteen. I am somewhat overweight and not that sexy looking but I still pray that someone would come to like me. I'm gay, but in the closet. My Mom probably knows but I think she's ignoring it. I was born in San Jose, California, but after a couple months, I moved to Frankfurt, Germany. After that I went to Holland and then back to Germany. Germany is where I spent most of the time. Ten and a half years in that hell hole was enough for me so when I heard that we were moving I jumped in the air. I moved to Oregon in December and I live here with my family.

My family is not as plain and monochrome as my location. My Dad used to work for the government and the same went with my Mom. My Dad is part of what people call a "lost generation". That means that he was born and raised during a hard time in history and was traumatized by it. My Dad grew up during WWII and he kept the same survival lifestyle like then. He saves food, money and what not just because he feels that there is a necessity. I'm not saying he's cheap, but sparing. My Mom is a kind person. She cares for us all the time and I love her for that. She is, however, very passive. She is blinded by the love towards my Dad that she doesn't realize that he acts like a pain in the butt sometimes. She tries not to confront anyone and she bribes me every time I bitch about something. My sister is cool and she lives here too. She moved here a couple years before me to go to college, but she is too anti-social to go. She goes to see a psychiatrist to help her against it, but! to me it seems that it's not working. She spends most of her time at home and rarely goes out of the house. She has a boyfriend that goes by the name Jim and he recently proposed to her, he's pretty cool. I can talk to him though not when it comes to personal stuff. Even though he isn't blood related, I see him as the big brother that I look up to. I also like him because he introduced me to my friends.

I've only been here for a short time, but I got a couple friends. One is Kevin. Kevin is so cute, I wish he was gay, but no god is soooooooo cruel. He's missing a leg but his ass and face make up for it. Trevor is another friend. He and his wife live in a nice apartment and he cooks like a professional chef. I could fall in love with his cooking! Magda is his girl and she is a nice gal and they have my blessing for life. I got a couple more friends like Tomoe (sorry if I mispronounce it) and Sarah, but you'll here more of them, but now to how I feel right now.

Right now I am thinking of what I want out of life. Most of the thinking came to my love life. It's not that I want sex or anything, but rather the presence of a man laying next to me. I want to wake up next to a man and look at him for hours thinking "man am I lucky!" I want a guy that feels like he needs me. I want someone who doesn't have to say a word while we're together because we would just enjoy the silence between each other and be happy with that. Looks aren't all to me. I think that beauty is something that's not on the inside or outside for that matter,. It's found in the way you talk and how treat others. Some of the sexiest men in the world are not mean brutes or flamboyant therapists, they are kind to those around them and have this aura that intensifies their beauty. I think that only lonely people like me can see this because we find beauty within ourselves and realize that other people have the same beauty within. I'm not run by sex, but I know that it is a major factor in a serious relationship. I know a lot relationships that crumbled because of little and or a lot of sex and these people were driven by their obsession for it. I'm not that sex crazed however. If I wanted sex, then I would have gone out and screwed a guy, but I wish for more. I wish I could met a man that I wouldn't even have to talk to he would just look at me and see who I am and tell me the three magic words that all people whish to hear from someone "I love you............"

Another thing I'm thinking of is my future. For the past couple years I have thought of suicide, but never dared my self to do it. A voice in my head would insult me saying that I should, but then there's the one that embraces my should and tells me that everything will be alright. I then lay on the bed crying, hoping and praying for it all to stop for a day so that I would have a break. The important choices in my life right now are to move to California with my parents or to stay here with my sister in Oregon. This choice can change my life forever. I don't want to become a stranger in my parent's life, but I want to be there for my sister since she is going through a depression. It also is important for me due to the fact that I still have to do high school and college. If I move all the colleges I look for are down the drain and I would have to spend a lot of time looking for some new one in Cali. I don't know what to do but maybe something will happen that will show ! me the light.

I'm tired now so I'll try to sleep. this is the first time I feel really tired and didn't have to think or worry about anything. I feel as though all the pain and misery feel off my shoulders......

Eric K.


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