July 2001

Yesterday, I kissed my first girl... I waited 3 years for this experience to happen and I ended up feeling completely neutral about the entire experience, almost feeling just as confused.

I've spent three years thinking pondering, trying so hard to get the questions off my mind -- am I a lesbian? am I bisexual? Someone please help me... what started as such simple thoughts and whims at age twelve have become so complex and deep that I am lost all over again. Every day saying to myself, "Well, if I just could kiss a girl then maybe I could find out..." But why did I think it would be so simple?

I've had boyfriends, I've had kisses, but never this. A kiss from a woman. A girl. An absolutely perfect little peach, that in my mind drove me crazy with desire, then I kissed it...and felt numb.

Should I explain? some background information on my place right now? How this kiss even came about? This school year I became a lot more open about my questioning in myself, and told more people. My friend Ryan immediately wanted to try and hook me up. And that's how I met Tara,(don't you love fake names?) who was a freshman. Tara developed this huge crush on me and I felt bad because I didn't like her back. I found Tara way too loud and not that attractive to me physically. At the time I was totally crazy about this other girl who was twenty and the age difference was creating problems so I decided finally to look into other options. When I hung with Tara I started to think I liked her...(but I really think I was starving for a girl to help me know myself)

School ended last Friday so yesterday I was at Tara's house. And as I was leaving it happened. We kissed. I didn't feel anything special at all. But when I think about other kisses, I felt nothing there either. but they were boys. Now I'm worried I have kissed the wrong girl, I may have wasted my experience, I may now be in a position that will be hard to get out of.

Basically what it all comes down to is I kissed my first girl, and with what I thought would solve all my problems and fix up all my depression about the subject, ended up leaving me empty handed with no answers at all.



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