July 2001

Hey People!

Well, not much has been going on. This is my first post. The teachers here are on strike..... all public school and our universities. I wonder when it will be done. The stupid governor: Ben Cayetanno, is so damn stubborn and wastes all the state money for unnecessary stuff. All the teachers want is a pay raise.

When did I realize that I had attractions to girls?... very hard to say. I remember telling my Mom around 95/96', that I liked some girl. I still don't know if it was anything, and doubt it was anything, cause I don't remember who she was or what she looked like. All I remember my Mom saying is that it was normal and a phase.

She doesn't think so anymore! I think I really started noticing it in the 9th grade. I mean, I've lived in Hawaii for almost 4 yrs now.... and had not a single attraction to a guy. I mean, yeah, I'd think lots were cute, but nothing more was there. Maybe cause most of them were just no good. I ended up feeling attracted to a few girls. I think it was more lust than anything, lol, I feel like such a dog for saying that, but it's true! Then there is Mandy, the very very flirty girl, who plays with people's heart and head. I am dead serious, she's nothing but trouble. First she's bi, then she's les, and now she has a bf. Nothing's wrong with being confused, but she used it in the wrong way. She became "les" when she started hanging out with certain people. I don't think so! I told her not to say that, but she's paying for it now. That, to me, is not something to play with the way she did. She screwed herself over. My Mom knows I liked, and still kind of like her. I just can't get totally over her...what's wrong with me??? I've liked her for over a year now... I think....

I can't sleep at her house anymore... which really sucks... Mom(mine), thinks I will seduce her or something, plus she doesn't like her very much, and didn't from the beginning. I have never been told by my Mom that I wasn't trusted... it was usually "I don't trust the other(s)"

So it did bother me for a while. She said, "It's from your dad and me, we were the same way, and when temptation comes., you will most likely give in".

When I think about it, maybe I would.... I mean... like 2 months ago, I 'kind of' made a move on her. I know it was wrong, but I was half serious and half playing around... plus: she had her boyfriend. Her and I still flirt, but just not as much.

In conclusion, all I can say is that my biggest realization came during the 9th grade. Sure, I messed around quite a lot (boys/girls) when I was way younger (4-8), but that stuff doesn't really count... I mean, don't all little kids mess around? or do I have a screwed up mentality? Now it's a different story... I've gotten older and wiser, and don't mess around at all! Mostly because I haven't found a person, and I might be leaving Hawaii this year... maybe it's still because I am still trying to figure myself out... but if I was trying to figure myself out, then I should be out there and really trying to figure it out. I still believe that I can be happy with a girl, or with a guy.

I don't think 'Love' is a gender thing. I think it's all about the person(character). But hey, everyone has there own opinion about that. I know there are lots who agree and disagree with me one that. I just haven't found a guy yet, but it is very possible. I don't like to label myself , but I do... confusing... I want to at least know what I do like. I want to be 100% positive,.... but I have time to find out.... maybe I can't say anything, b/c I haven't done anything.... but a body doesn't lie, now does it??? My name is Tasha, I am 16 years old, and I like girls and looking at boyz...... there is plenty out there that could be satisfying to me. I am a monogamous type of person, very trustworthy, and ready to try new stuff, if the right person comes along/I trust them. Sorry for babbling, I just had to vent!



If you ever want to chat(AOL IM: fubucraz or tasha4ray) , or send comments, you can contact me at: tasha4ray@juno.com or t1585@yahoo.com

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