August 2001

Hey fags! It's jeffie. I'm bored, so I decided to sit down and write an article for my almost-never appearing column. So. yeah.. not much has been going on in muh life right now. My website has undergone some drastic changes in the last few months, and it has a bright, crisp, bitchin' look to it now-http://www.geekboi.com if you haven't already seen it. I'm single again, but I have been for a while. I've been able to deal with it because of the kickass friends that I have. They're amazing people that allow me to deal with day-to-day frustrations.

What else is new. I'm living in Toronto now (yes, the capital of Canada), and I've got a sketchy little apartment in the basement of a house. The roof is WAYYY too low, and there's sooooooo many problems with the place. I also live in the ghetto if that weren't enough. It's kinda nice to have your own place that you can decorate how you want. You also don't have to hide all of your porn (what, me? Porn? Nooo-never!. OK, you caught me)- and you don't have to worry about someone catchin' you masturba. uh. showering.. It's great really-it also costs a lot of money. I'm finding this out right now. My parents are helping pay for my university, but my mom feels it's not necessary to contribute to my "living expenses" fund. She's a moron anyway. By the way. Toronto isn't the capital of Canada you moron, Ottawa is. I knew I'd fool all of you Americans. Muahaha. Cows can fly, and chickens can't-and THAT, my friend, is why monkeys are better.

I've been continuing to party, I'm a happy little rave kid. I'm sober now though, which means no drugs, no drinking, and no smoking-amazingly enough, I have a better time sober than I do high. I'm also into DJ'ing now. I spin epic/progressive/happy trance, which isn't exactly popular simply because most of the world is into hardcore, jungle, techno or that pop shit you hear on the radio. YAY BRITNEY YOU SLUT! But anyway, yeah, I'm spinning what I like because it makes me feel good, not because the rest of the world doesn't know what they're missing. I've collected about 150 vinyls and I've got muh two turntables and mixer and amp and speakers and needles.. and..BLAH.. yeah.. lots of money, but lots of fun. Basically, what I'm saying here is that if any of you promoters out there need someone to spin some good ol' epic trance, then you should COME AND TALK TO ME, cuz I'm good. I can even BEATMATCH ;p.. Unlike most coke-headed Deejays.

On a side note, I can fit 24 cans of coke into my pants, and yesterday I fit 35 bottles of water into my fridge. They're all be nice and cold and sweaty when I take them out of there. Mmmm.. cold bottled water. I also just came back from Costco (aka. "The Gittin' Place") and I am now the proud owner of 100 tootsie pops, 50 packs of MaxAir (cherry flavour always!), 36 big bags of skittles, and a 1.1 Kg. Bag of "SuperMix" that consists of Rold Gold Pretzels, Cheetos, Doritos, Sunchips, and a whole bunch of other nummy shit.

I always used to give a song of the month with my articles, and since I'm a big underground freak now I'm going to start giving out underground titles. The song that you need to go and find and download and listen to repetitively is: Justin K & DJ K-Mixx-Infinity

If you get the chance, the other side of the vinyl is good too..

Justin K & DJ K-Mixx-Northern Lights

Annnnnnnd.. as if that wasn't enough.. the song of 2001 (my prediction) and "The New Sandstorm!"-Jeff Shaw is:


Go and get that song, it'll be readily available. It has been out on white label for about four months, but it was just released to the general public last week (the 8th).

If any of you actually do take the time to go and find these songs and listen to them, you'll know exactly the type of music I spin, and you'll know that I LOVE YOU! So email me and tell me if you do actually make the effort to listen to these songs.

I'm going to a huge electronic music festival this weekend! (WEMF-World Electronic Music Festival-think DEMF-Detroit Electronic Music Festival, but bigger, and with more talent). By the time this is posted though, I'll have already come back and have met the boy of my dreams. Actually, while I'm thinking about it. I met this nice boy at a club once that danced with me for a good portion of the night. He gave me his number but I forgot that I had it (it was in the cell phone in like position 167 or something). So yeah, I was looking though my cell phone because I was bored last night, and I came across his number, and I was like "WOAH!!!" so. I called him.. and he's going to WEMF too! So we're going to meet up. I hope he's as cool as when I met him in the club. I've been alone for quite a while, and I'd like a good friend if not a boyfriend. SO WISH MY LUCK CREW! He's probably already taken, now that I think about it.. oh well. I'll mack on him anyway! Heehee.. I'm really not a slut.

So why am I writing this article finally? Because I don't have a television, and as of right now I don't have a phone line either. I have absolutely nothing to do, and I realized that I should do something productive. The guy from Bell (the phone company here) is supposed to be here between 12 and 5 to wire up the line-ironically it's 4:06 right now, and there's no sign of the fucker. I keep wanting to go and take a shower but I know that as SOON as I get nekkid' and lather up. ARGH. Why do I have to sit here for 5 hours waiting for this guy? Can't they just say "yeah, the tech will be there at 4"? No.. that's too fucking complicated. they want me to stay home from work and fun so that I can look at the cheesy porn I have saved on my computer while waiting for some moron to show up and install a phone line. DO IT ALREADY! Update. at 4:40, he arrives. toting his phone line activation equipment and his screwdrivers and drills and whatever else the fuckheads down at bell carry with them when activating a phone line. He's ugly, and I think my apartment scares him. There's pictures of boys up all over the place and he's lookin' kinda nervous. Don't worry Mr. Bell Man, I'm not gonna rape yer ugly fat ass!.. Okay, now he asks if he can use my washroom. Maybe he's feeling a little more comfortable. who knows. I just know that I don't wanna have to hear him pee! Eww. icky bell man and his icky uncut cheese-dick.

Ohh.. my hair is yellow. See the picture: And what is even COOLER is the fact that if I stand near a black light, my hair glows GREEN!! YESSUM!! Isn't that fucking amazing? Yeah-I know, you love it. It was blue before, and I've still got red and green to do, but my freaking work won't let me. so I'll have to wait.

So yeah, I quit my old job with the Internet Service Provider to begin working in Toronto. it was a great idea cuz now I'm working for a bigger company and making 1.5x what I was making before-so that's very nice. I also bought myself a white shower curtain. It comes with rings and mounts easily to pre-installed shower-curtain-bar-thingies. It was only four bucks at Canadian Tire and I payed for it in CANADIAN TIRE MONEY!! WOOO FREE THINGS! They don't have Canadian Tires' in the U.S., do they? No... that's because they're Canadian Tire, not United States' Tire. You don't have Tim Horton's either. See? This is why Canada was rated best country to live in for the last 3 years in a row, and not the United States. Oh yeah, we don't have George Bush as a president either. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA. GGGGODDDDDDDDDD SAAAAAAAAVVVEE THEEEEEEEEEEE QUEEENNNN!!!

I've got pictures of boys all over my apartment, and the landlord came to see how were were settling in today. I think he was kinda shocked. Even more shocking is the porn laying around my room and the "Dress Me Up Luke" on my fridge. He's wearing only underwear, runners, and a t-shirt right now. god Luke is hot. If he could only talk he'd say "Jeff, I love you- you're the only one for me. Your eyes, your lips, your sarcasm is what attact me to you. You're so beautiful, inside and out. Hold me."---but Luke don't talk. Damn him.

You're still reading this?.. why? Is it really that interesting? Hey.. HEY! GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF YOUR PANTS. Geezus.

I'm not sure what I want to have for supper. I think I may have Mac N' Cheese, or Zoodles. I've got some fruit-loops (no pun intended) left somewhere-those are always good, but I'd need to buy milk, and I really don't wanna walk the two feet down the road to go buy some-especially if it's going to sit in the fridge for a week anyway and then go bad. I'll stick with my Easy Mac. MMM good sketchy food! I'm thinking of going over to the local dominion and picking up some Mozarella Cheese Sticks. Those things are a godsend. I also need sugar and koolaid, but those can wait. DAMMIT. I need a jug to put the koolaid in. WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO COST SO MUCH DAMN MONEY? ARRRRRRGHHHHHH!

Ohhh. I wish I were an Oscar Meyer Wienner. that is what I'd truly like to be.

Yep-you'll be humming that song the rest of the day. HA HA. I rule. I know, and you love me for it.

Uhmm.. okay, so you can visit my website by clicking here. Or, if you want to see more fat-ass ugly whore pictures of me, you can look here. Otherwise, you can email me by clicking here. Do it now.



©1995-2001 Oasis Magazine. All Rights Reserved.