August 2001

You know when you never felt so alive. Like you were in a moment where it just takes away your breath? No poetry could ever explain the flaring emotions. You just want to grasp the unlimited power, the wild freedom and your throbbing heart beats. Sometimes you would just stare ahead through the empty air, day dreaming the wildest fantasy. Your body quenches and tightens whenever your dream was abrupted by a clashing screech of the roaring streets. Or the forest, the breeze blowing either lightly or harshly, leaves bumping into another and another making thousands of rustling noises. Your body would be forever relaxed by the beauty of the fall leaves and cool, whilst cuddling with another person whom you love dearly. Sometimes you would feel so devastated by the sounds of musical melodies being played in a wide dome that echoes the notes. Your head would bop back and forth, feet taping to the beats, feeling the drums vibrating throughout your veins in the body. You can sense the tickling warm fuzzy, running up your skins everywhere knowing that it gives you a great pleasure doing the things that pleases you.

Betting that being a deaf person in a mixed mainstream that we would fail as a human being just frightens me so. I couldn't stand the thought of "FAILURE" being written across my forehead. I wouldn't have it! I must encourage myself while nobody else could. Finding out that I am gay, just made things worst. I was on a verge of self exploration, a quest, a period of confusion that just drops you like a clear blue marbles. Never (quenching) the word gay, very unheard of, never brought up as if it was a shame to the society.

Discovering it in the hard way, television brought the news that changed my life. Pondering deeply into thoughts, as if it never crossed my mind. "What If I Am Gay" out just like that. Wow, what a newfound (discovery). Struggling through middle school, isolating myself from the people whom acts like everything's alright. Depending on their weirding ways, their parents do everything while mine never carried a decent conversation.

Constantly arguing over (dumb)things as if it was a giant deal. Never to discuss sex or drugs, even periods of time when it comes to love, it just was never expressed. Never seeing my parents expressing their compassion for each other made me wonder when am I going to see love in their eyes. Maybe that's the reason why I never experienced love or maybe I'm just afraid and would fail like they did? Did they fail? That thoughts always enters my mind, even if they love or they don't? I just don't see it there.

Lost deep in confusion, is just what I wanted. Going through middle school was the hardest thing in my life, rather than denying, ignoring is what I did. I chose to ignore it and explore the possibilities later. I earned my keep, by having friends and meeting new people. By the time high school arrived, nothing struck me but my sexuality. From then, I knew I was gay, even without having a relationship. My last relationship was in elementary school, and it will remain my last. Spending time as a solitude person, wading in hallways during breaks and lunch time. Lost deep into poetries, even writing them. My angst and happiness poured out, like as if there is no tomorrow. As I was nearing my senior year, I was ousted by a new friend whom encouraged to take pride in myself.

From then on, I stood bravely and ignoring the rumors and gossips I held my head high, and stood tall in spite of what people say I continued on as if nothing new was going on.

Hard as it supposedly be, I explored and lost it young, and part of myself regretted that day. Nothing could change who I am, and that's the part I will never regret. Taking pride in myself is what I do, and I always lend or open my heart to anyone whom asks questions.

There is no shame whatsoever. So refreshed and grown up, I feel like an adult by fighting my way through the first stage.

My adolestic stage ended in June when I graduated from high school. I never felt so alive, yet afraid. But nothing could deny me from achieving the dream, that drives me to climb even more.


Shawn is 19 year old deaf gay male from Michigan. He will be attending RIT/NTID in Rochester, New York for the fall. He sought out to be an poet, artist. He can be reached at rainbowofdarkness@hotmail.com

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