September 2001

I've written for the site before. Within a few months of absolute clarity. I KNEW everything about myself and all I needed was to get that out. Now I feel like maybe I've never really "known" anything in my entire life. I'm obsessed with Shakespeare though some critics say the works aren't even his own... I know I like a play, or a sonnet but I don't even know whose hand wrote them. And how do we know little things like the fact that diet soda has no calories so it won't contribute at all to weight gain? Can we really be certain? We are fed facts from the time we are born and will be until we die. We also make fact out of our own lives and feelings. We are told things are a certain way and we assume others are, but maybe we don't ever really know. Or maybe it's just me who never knows or never will know.

After those columns I lost my concentration, it's painstaking to even write this. I was so together. Now I'm cutting like crazy, going through really serious phases of not eating and throwing up when I do. I've lost control. My mind is lost in confusion, fear, depression, and deja vu! I finally put so many things together, I found something that felt like fact. I'm gay. Now I don't know what I am, nor do I know what anything I feel means. I should know, right? It's something you figure out, and then it's fact. I'm lost for words, for actions, for feelings! How do you not know what you feel? That seems pathetic, unbelievable. And why is that?

The summer before freshman year I became friends with a girl (I'll call her Beth) who was going to be going to the same high school as me and also happened to be dating a guy who I had been friends with in 5th grade. I became close to both of them by the time school had started. Beth was openly bi but half way through first quarter she broke up with her bf. She came out once again, but now she was more secure, she was gay. A month or more after the break up she came to me (most of the group we hung out with was made up of lesbians and I guess she was almost afraid to seem childish and stupid to them) and confessed there was a guy she really liked, but she was gay! so how could she go for this guy? She also admitted she had loved her ex-bf, but she thought something was missing, and she had assumed she knew what it was. I told her she didn't have to know yet, that she should go for the guy she liked and let things fall into place. We're teenagers, it's okay not to know.

Just over a year later I "came out" to my bf. He flipped, I ruined his life. After months of ripping myself apart over hurting him I admitted I had been in love with him, so what did that mean? Then a guy came along who I've started to fall for. I hadn't thought about Beth and what she went through freshman year for a long time and now I know exactly what she felt. I know why she beat herself up so much so coming out, and why she felt so stupid for liking a guy after she had. We both always wanted to be in control, to have all the answers. I don't think I ever realized how much like her I was. I'm going through the EXACT same thing she did but somehow I can't take my own advice. Maybe I was wrong.

My head is spinning, I feel sick. I ate tonight, and cried, and cut, and now I'm numb. I'm lost, and I have no idea how to find my way back because I don't know which direction I'm suppose to head or if I'm suppose to stay put. I just want to know something, I just want to be sure, to know I'm not crazy, and to know I'm real and that I can eventually understand what I'm feeling. I'm just not sure how much longer I can wait.



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