Jason Kay

September 2001

It's been a while since I've endeavored to convey a written word. "Why bother?" used to be a constancy, now it's more of a fallacy. Discovering HTML, moving into creating a website, I've found myself indulging the "why not?" in favor of anything else. So I thought I would come back to this where I made my first entry into the Internet.

It must have been November 1999 if I remember right. That first entry. That sad, naive little child that I was. Trapped in my little town of Kodiak, dreaming, wishing, wanting, needing. Love was most high, the garnish to the life I felt I didn't deserve. I came to Anchorage, Alaska with the highest of hopes. Naiveté is a sad sad state. The only way to break out from it is to learn, and to learn, you must suffer.

Anchorage brought me relationships, friendships, new worlds, and new drugs. I trusted in all of these things, not holding back, for I felt holding back would get nothing. Well, that's true, but what is the price of trust? This same mother town of the Last Frontier saw them all fall. The only survivor? Of course. The drugs. I still fight them. It's a battle that I feel will never end. The rest? Gone. The price paid for these losses incurred was the loss of the child I felt I never truly was.

For a long time I reveled in whining and crying. I couldn't understand why people were the way they were, why none were themselves, why I was made to feel so out of place and wrong for being the open-hearted person I was. Now? Now there is this man here. The one who loved, got hurt, and then hurt another, beautiful soul because of not knowing what was truly in my own heart. This is he who is now facing this world expecting nothing, wanting nothing, and feeling fine for that simple fact.

Where have I come? Where have I gone? Where am I going? It doesn't matter anymore. Life is static, and anyone to say otherwise has a lot to learn. Maybe this will be my last entry here, maybe not. If I ever have anything to say again, perhaps it shall just be upon the website I'm in the process of filling my time with. I've learned from the recent past not to believe in the truth of the future. We have no control, all that we have are days upon days in which all we can do is try.

For those of us who have learned that trying is a waste of time, then the real question remains: "What am I supposed to do?" You know what? There is nothing you can do, nothing you should do. All you can do is be. If something else comes along, maybe one of the lucky you will find yourself.

Perhaps my next line is "but trust me, I'm the sunscreen." Yet I think not. If I should die before I wake, remember that there isn't an end, a beginning, or an anything. Wonder if someone is watching you on TV somewhere and laughing their fool heads off. You never know.

And that, is the entirety of my entry. You just never know.

Vade in Pace.

Jason (once the former Jaye)


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