September 2001

I need a "PICK ME UP" something or a "KICK IN THE CROTCH." This is the lowest point in my life and I'm afraid. I keep getting this reoccurring nightmares, and I cant even sleep at all! And them pesty flies are gonna die if they land on my head again! *just something to understand how i'm feel today*

I don't know why being gay has to be so complicated, you know. You just got to accept it and move on, from one person to another. Unless you want to become a hermit, or get yourself laid with opposite sex to straighten out whatever is fucked up in the head! The thing is, I'm gay and I've accepted that as my whole being. Its who I am and I just cant say "FUCK THIS SHIT, IM NOT A FAG!" Its just screws up everything in my head.

There's this guy I really care for and he's in a situation where his boyfriend dumped him for his ex. Kind of stupid isn't it? I really love this dude, and we talk all the time, but i don't think he wants me, you know? I'm kind of depressed for him, because he's hurt badly. I want to be there for him but he wants to be left alone. He knows I love him a lot, because i told him all the time.

College is coming fast. I'm all packed except for my suitcase. Got to get my butt in gear, to get some clothing in it. I bought some necessary stuff, but its money consuming!!! I spent like almost 900 dollars for all the shit i needed. Why didn't i just save them money for something else?!?! Like a computer for one! So IM pretty much scared of a new life, a new location and hopefully I'll find a steady boyfriend who loves me as much i love him.

Being gay doesn't really "SUCK", I'm really content with whom I am. It sucks because life can be complicated as you become an adult. Just as soon you reach your middle age, you'll over come the shitty part of your life and begin to understand the :CIRCLE OF LIFE:. Right now I have to deal with college and career. Even boyfriend or relationship issues. That goes for where do I want to live? Will I be happy or consent where I am right now or should I go back to Michigan?

Right now, I just feel shitty.


Shawn is now 20 years old deaf gay male, attending Rochester Institute of Technology in Rochester, New York. He sought out to be an artist, a poet, and a writer. He can be reached at rainbowofdarkness@hotmail.com

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