By Kevin Isom's cats
This column is filed by Kevin's cats, Shelby and Miranda, while Kevin is on vacation. They say you'd better read it, or they'll find you and pull down your drapes. Here follows, then, a cat's eye view of a gay man's world.
Shelby: I'm a pretty blond with bright blue eyes, a bushy tail, and a soft white belly. I like to roll over on my back and put my white paws in the air. I don't know where I learned this.
Miranda: My human was Kevin's ex-partner, but I took custody of Kevin in the divorce. I'd grown up with Shelby, when Kevin and Clint were happy together. We were both very sad when they tried to split us up, so we each meowed miserably until they came to their senses and put us back together. We girls stick together, after all. I'm all black, with green eyes, and thick fur. I'm the more--shall we say--voluptuous of the two of us. I out-weigh Shelby by a couple pounds. I take after Clint in that. I also like to follow Kevin around when he's nude after a shower. I take after Clint in that, too.
Shelby: We miss our other daddy sometimes, but we like our new house. Kevin puts food out for the bushy-tailed tree-dwelling rodents, so that we can watch them from the windows. This drives Miranda wild. Her tail swishes back and forth, back and forth. I don't know where she learned that.
Miranda: Kevin taught us not to be afraid of anything. We're so affectionate that he says we act like we're dogs. Like dogs? Hmmph! I only drink water from the toilet because it's FRESHER, I'll have you know! I say we're so affectionate because we grew up in a loving home.
Shelby: And we behave so well because Kevin used to walk around with a water gun stuck in his belt. Now he only does that with certain dates... Clint used to call him "Dirty Harriet." Kevin became very frustrated when we learned to like water.
Miranda: We like it that Kevin dates now. You would not believe all the laps he brings to us to try out. They drink their smelly red liquid in the bell-shaped glasses, and we claim a new lap.
Shelby: If the date is wearing light colored clothes, Miranda, being black, does the honors. If the date is wearing dark clothes, I come aboard. Sometimes you just gotta shed a little. We like to think of it as sending gay kitty fairy dust forth into the world.
Miranda: Kevin seems happy most of the time, but sometimes I wonder. We think that we should be all that he needs--why we sleep with him every night, for heaven's sake! But we hope someday he'll find a new second daddy--I mean human possession--for the two of us.
Shelby: We'd like someone who can cook. I always run to the big, white, cold box in the kitchen whenever Kevin opens it, but it's almost always disappointing. There's milk, instant breakfast drink, and ketchup. Blech! I heard his sister look in the box once and tell him they were going to revoke his gay card if he didn't stock up better.
Miranda: But we've seen him cook, so we completely understand why it's GOOD to have an empty cold box. He once offered me some leftovers. I took one sniff and decided to lick my butt instead. I don't know where I learned that.
Shelby: Aside from that, it's a good life we've got. Lovely furniture, most of which comes from estate sales and antique markets--mmmm, such a variety of unusual smells! Toys to keep us amused. Plenty of treats. And all of Kevin's affection. I know it's all, because if he were holding out, I could tell. It's a cat thing.
Miranda: They tell us this column is for the gay press, so I guess Kevin must be a "gay" human. That must be a good thing, since it's a three letter word.
Shelby: Like "cat."
Miranda: So if there are any other cats out there with single gay humans--
Shelby: Or dogs. We don't discriminate. And I've always wanted a pet.
Miranda: Or dogs out there with single gay humans, please send your human's lap our way.
Shelby: We're looking for one for Kevin that's just right. Who knows? He might like to sit on it, too.
Miranda: Quick! The cat sitter's coming. Turn off the computer! She's straight, and she'll never understand cats writing.
Shelby: Why don't we just put white-out on the screen?
Miranda: We'll be back with updates as soon as we get another whack at this computer thingee. Just say goodbye for now, Shelby.
Shelby: Goodbye for now, Shelby.
Kevin Isom is the author of It Only Hurts When I Polka, available at bookstores and online. He may be reached at email@example.com or http://kevinisom.freeyellow.com.