Matthew's Column

by Matthew
December 1995

Hello, my name is Matthew. I live in Texas and I am 14 years old. I have known that I was gay since the age of twelve. Whenever, and that is a big WHENEVER, I tell anyone about my sexuality they are almost always inclined to ask me: "What was the actual event that made you realize that you were gay?"

Most people seem to not have an actual event, they just sort of knew. I, on the other hand, had one tragic night that pushed me deep into homosexuality. It goes a little something like this:

Her name was Hannah, she was extremely attractive (for a female, that is.) We had somehow been forced into going out with each other, and when you go out, what is expected of you is putting out. So, we were at a party in the "make out" room and we were sitting together.

She slowly and very unnoticeably scooted her way toward me, until she was basically sitting on my lap. Then she just kind of forced her tongue down my throat, and that was when I knew! It was miserable, I wanted to die. I pushed her off me and got the hell out of there.

Walking home, I began to review my sexual feelings. Except for a few botched attempts with a couple girls, I hadn't really done much. But, in all my thinking about girls there was always something in the back of my mind -- Will, one of the guys in my grade.

I felt very strangely about Will. For some reason, I thought Will was extremely attractive and I had a deep sensual attraction to him. This was extremely confusing and I began to turn my attention to it. Then, like a fifty-ton freight train, it hit me. I was gay!!

How could I have been so stupid? First, there was a "phase" when I had a crush on my English teacher. Then, there was my extreme love of watching shows like "Boy Meets World," which featured Rider Strong, "Home Improvement," with Jon Taylor Thomas and "Brotherly Love," with Matthew Lawrence. And my "flirting" with Will.

I decided my sexuality must become a secret, but, the only way I would ever find out was if I actually experienced it for myself. So, I invited Will over and I decided to make my move.

I found out the next night how much I was going to enjoy being gay. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a virgin, but the stuff that did happen was the most amazing experience of my life.

I knew right then that there is nothing better that holding a muscular, cute, funny, nice guy in your arms. I and all gay males will tell you that there is nothing better than that.

After a few times of messing around with Will, I moved on. Since then I have had about six boyfriends, each one cuter than the last.

But, after this last one I decided that it was time to do the scariest thing in any young gay's life, the inevitable, intimidating, and terrible "TELLING OF THE PARENTS"...

Matthew is a 14-year-old student at St. Stephen's School in Austin, Texas. He can be reached at oasis-matthew@oasismag.com.
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