One more day. You don't know if you can make it one more day. You don't even know if you want to. Every night you lie awake for hours, waiting for sleep, for only in your sleep can you forget and leave yourself behind. Every morning you wake up already tired from another day you have yet to face. You know what is coming. You don't think you can do it one day more. You don't see why you should.
You wonder what it takes to get past being afraid all the time. You have faced all your nightmares so often, both in your mind and in your life, that you wonder why you are still scared. Yet you are scared and you remain so careful, monitoring your every move, your every word, your every whisper so that you can blend in, so that they won't notice. You want to fade away, to disappear. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes you feel them looking at you, thinking. Sometimes they taunt and hurt and beat and kick and they think they know even though you tell them they are wrong, or that it doesn't matter or that they should leave you alone.
Just alone for once.
You are good at being alone. It's almost scary how much you want it, how much you want them and it and all to go away. Even when they don't seem to know, you feel such a liar for not telling that you don't even want to face the ones that like you. You tell yourself that it is not true, that it will all pass. Every day you are sure it will pass and you will be normal. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, But you are sure it will, you have hoped and prayed and pushed so hard. It has to. You have to be normal again, you have to blend in.
You are tired.
You are tired from another day, tired from not being able to let go. The monitoring, the filtering, the watching what you say and what you do and what you think, it is draining you from all your energy. Killing parts of yourself to make it in the outside world tires you and it hurts. Holding everything inside to let the rest survive feels like murder.
You know you have more to give. You know you could be really great if they just let you. You know you could be a good friend, a pal, somebody to laugh with, somebody with a big shoulder to cry on, somebody to trust, if only you could be sure that what you hold inside wouldn't make you a freak in everybody's eyes. You feel like a rainbow allowed to only show the dullest color, a diamond with only one facet catching the light. And it is not right. This is not you. This is not who you should be. You know it isn't. Sometimes that makes you angry.
One more day of not being who you are. One more day of hoping they'll leave you alone. Meanwhile you can see everybody around you fall in love. And even though you check yourself, even though you try to not admit it, you are falling in love too. You love too, you yearn too, you need the closeness too. You wonder what it is like to rest your head on that chest, and just smile, and sleep, and be safe. What it is like to be held close. A hand sliding over your face, fingers whispering across your cheek as they slide past to play with your hair. An arm around your shoulder, gentle, real, alive, comforting, accepting, knowing. To feel skin on skin while you are sober, awake, consenting, loved, loving with whomever it is you want to be. To not be alone and be who you are. To feel that everything is right. To be away. To be safe. to be home.
You can not let yourself think it for too long. It will drive you crazy. It will make it harder to get rid of it, harder to get through the day, you don't want to face all this, the self-discipline is hard enough to maintain. But oh, you know how soft that skin will feel, how warm those arms will wrap around you, how sweet the words will be. How good the love will be, how strong it will make you, how loud it will make your heart sing. When you are completely alone, be it day or night, you let go and you let yourself feel and you know what it will be like and you know you have to stop. You can't let yourself. You just can't.
Because you have to get through one more day. Even though it seems pointless, you just do. Even though it looks like somebody forgot to switch the light on the light at the end of the tunnel, you just keep going through it. Because there is chance that you could get away if you just try hard enough. If you just hold on. Just keep it together and not get noticed and just through this and get out of here so you can have a future. Because no matter how hard you try to block it out, you know how loud your heart can sing. How beautiful it should sing, if only they'd let you, if only you could, if only the warm arms would be there to hold you close. You know there is a chance you'll get that, but you have got to be alive and you have to be sane for when that time comes. If you just hold on, minute by minute. One more day. One more second. One more night lying awake, tired, scared, alone. One more day. And one more. These years have to come to an end somehow.
Hold on. in your darkest moment, hold on. When you can't face whatever is there, just live second by second, live on your wits, jump-start your brain and get through this. You have come too far to give up now. You are still alive. You have done this before. Just hold on through that second where the world seems to stand still, before that next gauntlet this day will end. A night will come. This night will end. There will be a new morning, and one day that morning will be different from all the others before it.
Just one more day in this life. Just one.