[oasis][stories]

Declaration of a Lesbian

by Beverly Greene

A lot of people have the strange notion
that it is cool, the latest fad.
I'm no fad.
I'm a lesbian.
This is not a life style for me.
This is me.
This is who I am,
how I am.

Nothing in life is ever easy,
nothing changed about that
when I realized.
Maybe I thought it would.
I believed that once I knew
who I was exactly,
happiness would be easier to find,
at least within myself.
I had a lot of learning to do yet.

I have a lot of learning to do yet.
I'm so new at this,
and it's not a new look,
you can't put it on
when you are in the mood
for that particular image.
I can't shed this.
Nor do I want to.
I only want to understand,
experience,
for all that it is to me.

Being a lesbian
still scares me
I am ashamed to say,
but then so does living,
and to me,
this is living,
living as who I am,
now that I know part of what that means.
It's all so new,
living,
lesbian,
love,
lust.
No one ever prepared me
for the fears my own heart
could create about me,
the fear of who I am,
who I'm not,
who I want to be,
who I could be,
who I can't.

LESBIAN.
I am just now in the stage
where I can say that
and actually be
referring to MYSELF.
It means so many things.
I also said gay,
trying to believe
that it was a unity thing,
the gay world,
instead of another issue
of self acceptance.
Lesbian.
Me.

I am what most dykes
call a young lesbian,
a newly found out,
coming out,
finding out
lesbian,
just beyond the gay stage.
But, I take comfort,
they were here too.
I am not alone.
I am not the only one,
though it may feel it at times.
These times
are just more normal
feelings,
emotions,
confusions,
worries
of the journey.

Though this journey
takes different venues
for all of us,
this is mine
and it will lead me
to the place where all before me
have already found.

The journey:
Me?
Questions.
Fear.
Shame.
Women.
Sex.
Gay.
Me.
Lesbian.
Me.
Dyke.
Me.
Body.
Me.
Sexuality.
Me.
Self acceptance.
Home.


Beverly Greene, 20, is from British Columbia, Canada. She can be reached online at: poetica@Unix.infoserve.net.
General information: Jeff Walsh
Design and HTML: Jase Pittman-Wells
©1996 Oasis. All Rights Reserved.