By Bogi Lateiner (?)

That shameful/shameless act
Which I committed
(i can't decide which)
In the back seat of your car...
Wasn't really an "act" per say -
Not too much more than a kiss.
Well it's what i wanted didn't i?
Then why do i lay awake
Wondering - feeling guilty,
But then also
Trying to recreate the way your
Ever so slightly scratchy beard
Felt against my neck.
i dream of you
And i desire you
But oddly the reality of you
Bothers me -
Just like all the other boys.

i find myself feeling awkward
Instead of turned on
When you place your lips
Upon my neck or breast,
If i try, i can imagine
That you are
Someone else
But then -
You wouldn't have a beard.
And I'm not even sure if that's what i want

i let it continue
Even though i
Feel strange making out
In the front seat of your
Ford GTI
Parked in front of a hair and nails joint
Sometime around midnight,
Because obviously - you are
Enjoying it
And as usual, i
Don't want to deprive you of that -
Selfless...perhaps too much
i allow your kisses to cover my
Mouth and neck
With your hand on my back or thigh.

Later i ask if we can meet again -
Maybe i just wasn't in the mood
The car is not the
Greatest place after all
Or maybe i'm still testing -
Like it's been with all the
Other boys since the first
(not too many in-between mind you)
Wondering, as i always have
If it's a girl that i desire
Not a boy.

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