[oasis][stories]

Repentance

by Geminis

So you clicked here thinking you'd read some moralistic thing preaching about hellfire and damnation. Well, in sort of a way, it is when you consider the personal private hell I inflicted upon myself, and others when I was in the closet.

In high school, which is now a few years in the past, I knew I was well, you know, one of THEM. One of those that everyone liked to rail against ... even though there was no openly gaylesbi person there. Sure, there was a music teacher that everyone thought was a "fag" but, noone could prove it. And of course, he got made fun of...And what did I do? Go along with it.

As my heart got heavier and heavier, I still pussyfooted around thinking I could never have the guts to stand up for myself. The sort of "not noticeably gay" person that I am helped me stay from an awful external treatment. But, I still did not escape.

They called me names, and I would call others names and persecute them. I made it the object of my jokes, in a negative way. All the while, I was abusing myself, and worse, others. I had no courage to go to any gay youth group meetings, even if they were close enough to get to. No courage as to face this, and at least say, 'I will keep my mouth shut until I get out of here, and stop being such a lousy closet case homophobe.' It kept me safe, but it burned inside of me worse than any form of punishment could -- like a thousand hot lumps of coal inside waiting for a glass of water. It was awful. But no thanks to the public school systems here.

And when there is a fire within, you either use it to burn others or make society better. Just look at goons such as Roy Cohn and J. Edgar Hoover. Both lived lives as closeted homosexuals, persecuting homosexuals, Jews, and African-Americans, and their favorite group -- Communists.

Thank God I never became like one of them...They are two people I would never have eating at my table, or certainly as a friend of mine. They are a disgrace.

So, as I walk proudly and tall, fighting for our equal rights, I still have that bit of guilt left over from my high school days, and for the reasons I indicated above, and only those reasons ....I REPENT.

Never again will I subject anyone to such meanness, including myself, and if you are doing this, I plead with you to stop. It hurts everyone! Whether you are straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, or the "bi-curious" type.

Again, to all those wonderful folks I could have had as friends, I say I am sorry. And I repent. It is you and other humans I hurt, noone else. I am so glad it never turned to violence....if it did, I would have deserved a good butt-kicking. And for that, and all, I repent.

Humbly yours,

Geminis.

P.S. Thanks to the gay community, and to my straight friends who would have been supportive in the first place.....You are the wind beneath my wings.


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