To Look In a Mirror

by Jay

I have now come to terms with myself on who and what I am. I am indeed a bisexual, and at one time was ashamed of it. But I am not anymore. I would like to help other teens with this problem. And just for talk I would like to tell everyone how I came to realize this about myself.

I have had many sex experiences with guys and girls. It was the guys that bothered me. I had been with four guys. It didn't really matter to them I guess, but it did to me. After the first time I was with a guy, I had tried to look in a mirror at myself and realized I couldn't without wondering who I was. I had to talk to someone about this. I choose to talk to one of the guys I was with. We'll call him Scott. I told him I needed to talk to him about what we had done. We decided to have a sleep-over at my house. Both my parents were away and so were my sisters.

Anyway, he got to my house at about seven. We had some dinner and watched some TV. Later we were in the basement (we had our refurbished and so it is a nice "living" room area, with a really comfy mattress on the floor), and I told him everything I was thinking, everything I thought. I told him how hard it was to look at a guy and to wonder what he looked like with out his clothes off, about seeing the world in a different light. I told him I knew I wasn't gay, but I couldn't call myself straight after what had happened.

He told me he had gone through the exact same thing. He also said he had come to terms with what he was and who he was. I told him I envied him. He asked me if I thought I was a bisexual. I told him I wasn't sure. I asked him to help me make up my mind.

He told me that he could help me real easy but I might not want to know how he would help me make up my mind. I told him I'd do anything.

He got up and went over to his overnight bag. He took out a box. A box of condoms. I suddenly realized what he had meant. I thought to myself, "My God, do I have the strength to do that, to see if I was that way?" I decided I did have that strength. I told him I would do it. He told me I had a lot of strength and then he kissed me. I kissed him back.

I loved every second of it. It made me feel good that I could do this and not feel guilty about it at all. I felt great. It made me feel good about myself, that me and Scott were this close to each other.

After it was over, I got up to go get a drink of water. I passed the bathroom and I decided to look at myself in the mirror. I saw myself asking myself the question I had been asking myself. Only this time I had an answer to it. I went back downstairs and Scott asked me, "Who do you think you are now?" I told I am a bisexual. And I wasn't ashamed of it either. I bent down to kiss him.

Jay is a 14-year-old freshman in High School. He likes to write, read, and sometimes run, and loves to surf the net. He can be reached at Polaris242@aol.com.

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