First love gained...first love lost

By Brian Dick

When I think of him, I am assaulted by unbridled emotions:
Love, Hurt, Loathing...Confusion...Despair...
His eyes as they looked at me during those tumultuous times,
Such compassion, such friendship -- Have I betrayed his trust?
His arms around me, keeping my battling mind together.
Calming me -- never would he leave me, so he said.
And I believe, still believe -- even now that he has gone.

Love snuck up on me, clamped on to my heart before I could defend against it
And yet, was it not my love for him that brought such dire straits about?
The shaky foundation -- filled with uncertainty and inexperience --
When I saw him, a part of me wanted to be friends, to get to know him -- I couldn't know why.
We laughed, shared such joy between us --
Seeing the moutains in all their majestic splendor
The rivers with all their seething might...
Nature in all her heart-stopping beauty
(Though for me, only one thing was need to bring such joy).
We were a pair, in outlook, in our priorities --
Except one, which I tried to make amends for: his belief, his religion.

Two sides of me grappled for control as I entrenched within me that notion of sin
And hid my secret deeper and deeper from being discovered,
From being accepted -- even by me...
The atmosphere was ripe for insanity, yet when it seem to come he stood by me.
So loving, so caring...
Through such pain, through such hurt...
If I could have died, if he would just let me die!
Why did he not let me Die??

We did everything to rid me of this 'disease' --
But we could not defeat what neither of us understood.
Family...secrets...remarks make in passing...
I was lost...was alone...and made myself in that isolation,
With the seed of acceptance by others away from him.

He is gone now, but memories still burn within
"I thought I knew what love was all about"
And then I met him...
And now I long to be with someone again,
To share a love that is mutual -- and an intimacy that is desired by both.
But fear drives me to continued isolation.
I cannot drive another wedge again.
I cannot feel such pain again!

Is it not better this way?

Brian Dick, 21, is an engineering student from Simon Fraser University in Vancouver, B.C., currently on co-op in Calgary, Alta. His interests include hiking, tennis, and just about any other outdoor activity you could name. He also enjoys reading (SciFi/Fantasy, mostly), writing, and music (mainly orchastrative stuff, but in general just about anything outside of Country and Hard Rock). He loves to receive e-mail at bdick@sfu.ca and brian.dick@gpo.canada.cdev.com.
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