by Matt
September 1996

I was recently at a four day session in a town about 450 kilometers from mine. It was fun. 43 girls and three guys. One guy was a dork. Like REALLY bad... he had a hick accent and kept pushing his glasses up on his nose. The other was funny, witty, cute, and .. well, cute. (I can call him Zav, since that doesn't really represent a whole lot of his name. It's about 25 letters long.) We hit it off... a lot of the girls were looking for lousy excuses to come down and talk to us. It was incredibly obvious. The funny thing was, Zav and I knew each other's names but we didn't know ANYONE else's (except for that dork in our room.)

Anyway, nothing happened between anyone, and we all went our separate ways. I was just up to his city (300 kms away) over the weekend, and stayed at his house. But for one night, we didn't stay at his house, but at his friend's place. Three stories high, made from marble, and there was a fountain when you walked in the front door. Indoor pool and HUGE pool table topped off the basement for a night of fun. A bunch of guys all locked in the basement for the night. Fun! We drank, smoked, and even swam, played pool until seven the next morning with Zav and another cute guy. Sometimes it sucks when you're gay and nobody knows it, because the next morning came and we went home. Of course, nothing happened.

I also stayed with a much closer friend (Rob) while I was up, he knows I'm gay. So, we went out on the city with these two gals, who Rob decided to tell I was gay... and not tell ME he told them. I guess that is my first experience in being outed... people tell me I should get used to it. Nonetheless, we were walking along, when suddenly Rob says, "Oh, by the way, Matt, we all know you're gay." I pause, and laugh, and so does everyone. But that was a bad feeling... isn't it my business? Or is it public knowledge once I say it out loud? They were cool with it, though, as I find all girls to be, and we talked about it off and on. Made for good conversation. The funny thing was, this other girl whom I'll call "Blondie" seemed to be quite friendly with me by 1 a.m. She knows I'm gay. I guess some people just don't learn. Or just don't WANT to learn. Anyway, nothing happened.

I was in a big magazine stand in the city flipping through the hundreds of magazines. Rob was looking at "Web Solutions" and I was looking at "MacWorld" or "PC World"... then I saw it. A big magazine with a cute guy on the front. And across the top was written "OUT." I nonchalantly walked over to it and picked it up and browsed through it. Rob walked over to me.

"What's that?"
"Nothing," I replied.
"No really, what is it?"

So I flipped it up for everyone to see. He made this weird face and said "Put that down, man!" I laughed and held it up and kept reading. He just chuckled and walked away with a grin. I didn't have the nerve to buy it, so of course, nothing happened.

An interesting point in the last while is my "new pen pal" from just up the highway in the opposite direction. He also writes for Oasis... it's the first time I've had an IRC chat with another queer from MY island. It was nice. It still is nice. He just keeps on taking these blasted pictures that totally suck.. Polaroid or something.. and I have no idea what he looks like. It's frustrating. Oh well, we're keeping in touch, and you never know. It could be one of those matches made in CyberHeaven! Of course, so far, nothing's happened.

So do you see a consistency to the conclusions of my segments? If you don't, you're missing a key part to my conclusions. You see, I'm a really happy person. I'm (to my content) socially accepted, nobody wants to beat me up, and I've got food and clothes. And a PC AND a Mac. Heheheh.. what more could one ask for?

Well, lately I've been feeling it. Not hard, but just a little. This little emptiness in my life... nobody to share a sofa with. Nobody to share my feelings with... yeah, my friends, but my REAL feelings.. or someone to have feelings TOWARD for that matter... nobody to snuggle with or kiss goodnight... or kiss hello... or kiss for fun. Or hold hands with. It's all there. But for me, it's off in the distance. I've kissed a lot of girls, and made guys jealous. I guess I'm attractive. But nobody else I know of is looking for what I'm looking for -- another attractive queer.

It's a sad note to end on, but I'm going to have to, since I'm working tonight. Here's my question of the month: Have you ever been outed by a good friend to the WRONG person or group at the WRONG time? Or have you even been outed and it's turned out for the best? Actually, just tell me anything about any "outings" you've had. (No, not THAT kind of outing, silly!)

Thanks for reading, and see ya next month.

Matt, 16, is a high school student in Nova Scotia. He can be reached at matt@oasismag.com.
©1996 Oasis Magazine. All Rights Reserved.