[oasis] [columns]

Matt

October 1996

This is as good as it gets for me. Well, almost. I'm on my favorite computer, with my favorite European CD's on shuffle, writing for a magazine I've grown to love. The only problem is that my ISP is busy and I can't get on. Oh, and my outgoing mailbox is full... I haven't sent my mail for the last few days due to my lack of attention. Nonetheless, I'm alive and kicking.

I'm only sixteen. I'm very new at this thing we call life. The thing we call love is even newer to me. In fact, it's a foreign land. Exploring my sexual likes and dislikes has been fairly difficult with a very limited number of partners. It was tonight that a really good friend of mine asked me "would you rather have sex or love"? I immediately replied "love, ten times more than sex." Why? Well, I've tasted the sex, not intercourse as such, but the normal "accidents." It was fine for a few minutes. But the love wasn't there. It wasn't then, it wasn't ever. It was useless, physical action. But love, that's something that doesn't end after you reach a climax. It doesn't just disappear with a few heaves of your body. It doesn't just get monotonous with time. In contrast, it gets better with time. Sex supplements it, but doesn't need it. I would so much happier snuggling with a friend than putting my hands down his pants. This, of course leads me, more rapidly than ever before, to my question of the week. What do you want more from a gay person? Love or sex? I guess it all depends on what you've had and what you're lacking. (Respond to the question!)

I've grown a lot since a month ago. I don't look at anyone with lust anymore. I can't do it. It's useless. You could call it a loss of hope, but let's get real. I'm in a small town where being gay isn't all that cool. Hey, my friends love me for it. It makes me unique. I'm "the gay guy with the good sense of humor." So be it. But that guy who I love flirting with, and who seems to flirt back, isn't about to slip me the tongue, and if I'm NOT gay, expect me to forget about it. I've learned to content myself with being me. But that's a crock too. No, I haven't.

Every time I'm walking alone, I think about it. I'm NOT going to have a family with little kiddies. I'm NOT going to take my girlfriend home and show her to Mom. I'm NOT going to have parties where my friends bring over their wives and the men sit around and get drunk while my wife shares recipes with all the other wives. Not going to happen. I haven't allowed it to get to me. Or have I? I don't know. It hurts, so I guess I have.

You know, one thing that I'd LOVE to get email about is the situation on campus with gays. I'm graduating in a year and I want to go to MIT. What's the gay scene LIKE!? Is there violence against open gays, or did that die off in the eighties? Are there gay fraternities or "clubs"? I'm not up on the scene in universities, but I'd really love to know.

Here's something. I read Oasis (for the first time in a LONG time) in my free time a few weeks ago. I don't get a lot of that free time stuff. But I read it alright. And at the end of it, I was ready to tell my parents that I was gay. I was thinking about how I should do it. How I could tell them, how they'd react, how we'd deal with it. I woke up the next morning and sighed. I've never had a thought about it since. I know now that I am ready to do it. I know I am. But they're not ready to hear it. Dad is at a big point in his career. He's loving it. He's up for a promotion AGAIN and I don't want to screw that up. My mother is under a lot of stress as Principal of one of my province's largest high schools. And it's being moved and resized next year. And I'm asking for money to go to Germany for nine months to study abroad. Me telling them I was gay would NOT help whatsoever. This is not a peak time in my life for such an announcement. Besides, am I crazy to think that if I give it more time, they'll figure it out for themselves anyway?

OK, so I do like a FEW people, but I'm not crazy. My best friend's little brother, who's only 18 months younger than me, is pretty appealing. And pretty gay. I licked his cheek the other day (it's a really long story) and he licked me back, then snuggled with me all the way home. How sweet. His older brother just ignores us. I draw my own conclusions as to why. This other guy (who happens to be that other cute guy's good friend) is absolutely gorgeous. Everyone knows it. Some of my good female friends like to discuss him. They don't come much hotter, nicer, and, well, RICHER than this! But it's the same old story for me. No chances right now. I'll have to be happy cuddling with my pillow and with my friend's little brother on the way home for now.

Love to hear from you.. even though this month's article seems to be more of a public diary of my life than anything else. Till next month....


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