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November 1996

Approaching Oblivion

Hello and welcome to column number two. I'm a lot more comfortable writing this now, so this will be more informal than the last. I hope that doesn't perturb anyone.

So, right now, I'm sitting in front of my computer (having just finished eating). I've got the stereo on and, don't ask me why, I'm grooving (ha! what a great word) to music from the 70's (believe me, this scares me more than it does you). Oh well, I've got a full stomach, a cup of strong coffee, and music to amuse me ... now all I need is to get this column done (not that that's any problem).

Anyway, this past month has been interesting.

I've found myself longing more and more for a partner... it's depressing really. Wanting someone you don't even know so badly it hurts. I have yet to meet anyone that comes close to being my 'dream guy' and to tell the truth, I don't think I'd know my 'dream guy' if he showed up at my door naked one day. I'm just too picky. I just desperately want someone to cuddle and be with. Someone with whom I can be myself, and not worry about what they think. I'd just like to fall in love one day, and know that the other person felt the same. But, so far, that's never happened and I'm beginning to doubt that it ever will.

What I really need to do is get out ... get out and go do something with people. None of my friends do that, and my parents are too restrictive to allow me to do that. I have freedom ... just not as much as I think I'm entitled to. It wouldn't be so bad if I lived downtown, but I live in a fairly small suburb of Toronto. It's just not the same, in fact it's nowhere near the same. There's virtually no one "out" in Brampton (the 'burb in which I live), so the dating pool is kiddie-sized at best. And I don't find any of my gay friends attractive (heh, sorry gang, it's not you...it's me). Oh well, I guess I have lots of time. Half of me wants to wait until I'm older and the other half thinks I'm old enough (God, it's hell being torn like that inside).

So, I'm back at the beginning of another section. There's just so many little things that have happened this month, I don't know where to start. I re-read 'life after god' by Douglas Coupland (my favorite author), which was probably a dumb thing to do. Life after god always leaves me feeling so alone, so isolated from everyone else, it's not a book you should read when you're depressed. But, anyway, I read it and loved it as usual. It's such a deep book (God, I hate that term 'deep', it's so ambiguous..."deep what?" you're forced to ask), but none the less it's good. Read it.

What else has happened? I got into a huge fight with my mother, she doesn't like my attitude lately (I can't blame her really), and it just escalated into a huge yelling competition that resulted in me walking out on her mid-sentence. I sat in the forest near our house for a few hours. I would have stayed longer but I was wearing corduroy, so I was sucking up rain water like a big sponge. When I got home, my mother was in tears. She thought that I had walked out for good. And the scary thing is, I almost did.

I'm glad I didn't, I know it would have been really hard for me to live on the streets or something. I mean, I can only crash at someone's house for so long before I outstay my welcome. And it would really have messed me up bigtime, school and stuff. I just want to do well, and get out of the house at the soonest possible (viable) moment, which by the way isn't all that far off... I want desperately to go away to university, I can't imagine another five or six years here. Believe me, moving out is a huge motivating factor for me. There's nothing I won't do to bring that dream a little closer. But for now, I'll just have to be content in the knowledge that it will one day happen.

Random images:

At the table this past weekend, over the thanksgiving meal, my grandfather and grandmother expressed their opinions that 'gay people have lost all credibility' (they don't know that I'm gay), don't ask me what they meant... I have no idea. It seems they were watching television and some movie came on, and the lead characters were gay or something (they mentioned something about the Star Trek guy, Patrick Stewart, but it was pretty much unintelligible). Anyway, I don't know how that swayed their opinions about gay people, but it did. *rolls eyes*. [Ed. -- Sounds like the movie Jeffrey to me.]

I talked to a friend of mine on irc for the first time the other night. 'fun time was had by all'.

I'm quickly falling head over heels in love with another friend from irc. Sadly enough, I could never even dream of having him as a boyfriend. a) he's too old for me. b) he's not interested in any sort of irc-real life relationship. c) I don't even know if he's gay (yikes!).

A good friend of mine (friend1) came out to another friend (friend2) of his the other day, and it hasn't gone well. The friend (friend2) no longer talks to him (friend1) , and I'm worried about his confession tainting the other's impressions of me, since I hang around a lot with him (friend1). I do not want to be outed.

I've decided to get a job. (yay me!)

And it doesn't look like I'll be going to the 'Other Young Lives II' conference. They over booked, and I'm now on a waiting list. They said they'd contact people as spaces became available (so there's still a slight chance), but the conference is one or two days away, and I'm not holding my breath. Ask me if I'm disappointed. "Are you disappointed?"...yes.

Oh well, that about sums up September/October. I trust that everyone had a happy Halloween, and I'd like everyone to know that I did not dress up this year (I haven't for the past 3 years), and join the little candy-goblins (I hate kids). I think someone should launch a campaign to make the streets safe for normal child-hating teens, maybe we can call it 'operation child capture'...wonder how well that will go down with parents...hmmm...

And, as usual, your comments are encouraged. I love feedback. and I get back to everyone. (just ask the handful of people that commented last month...hint hint, I want more people to respond). Just e-mail oxide@torque.net. Oh, and this month I have a contest.

Super special contest: what song is this from? "gazing at people...some hand in hand...just what I'm going through...they can't understand...some try to tell me...thoughts they can not defend...just what you want to be...you'll be in the end." Send your answers to oxide@torque.net.

Thanks for reading, boys and girls. See you next month. Oh, you'll not want to miss that one... it's the super-special 'Christmas is for the directionless masses' column. Sounds like fun, maybe I'll even throw in some mindless banter about the new year. shrug It's up to me.

[About the Author]

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