Robert HinesNovember 1996
I was in Geography class and a friend asked me if it was OK to tell these people who were wondering if I was gay or not. So, I said "yeah, I don't care." So, they found out and are like, "well I wouldn't want to be around him," and my friend goes, "oh well, he's not like that."
It got me thinking, wondering when someone finds out and wants to beat the wind out of me, and I got all paranoid. I mentioned it to my father the other night and my parents and I had a really good talk about it. My parents before thought I was proclaiming being gay and thought it was a mistake to come out to everybody. Now, their opinions are different.
I was telling my parents what I was most scared of was caving in and not admitting to being gay cause I was scared of more people finding out. That sounds really weird, but that's how I felt. Then my mom said "Well, you better not, I don't want you to stop being yourself to please others." That really made me feel good. We had this big long talk about prejudice and racism and all. After, it I feel really good about it. I'm glad I brought it up with them. I didn't want to because a negative response to it all would really have upset me a lot and I didn't need it. So I guess I misjudged my parents on some things.
Other than that, things have been OK. Most people don't care and some people try to make it their business to broadcast it to the world, which I can't stand. I don't know what some people's problems are, it's none of their business. Some people are gasping for air around me when they find out, its like "God, can you make me feel any worse?" This one guy, really small and, well, an idiot, finds out. The next day, I hear stuff that he thinks I want his body. I told someone to tell him that he was the grossest looking thing and that I don't think anyone would ever go out with him ever! It's like, you want to feel better and know I won't rape you and then it's like I'm insulting them when I think they're gross. It's like "give me a break, I can't win either way!"
I don't know if I mentioned this in my last article, I guess not. I was at a dance at another high school in Sydney there were two lesbians going out. So, that was kind of neat. I haven't been spending a lot of time on irc lately. High school gives you enough homework, it gets my mind of things anyway.
Another things that's happened is my mother is trying to start up a gay youth group here. She's a social worker and homosexuality is something ignored by that profession here. She is going up to Halifax to try and get educated on the topic.
I always since like grade four read a passage in the Bible and said a prayer before I went to bed. I stopped reading the Bible a few weeks ago. I always swore I wouldn't, but things change. I mean the Bible isn't Gods words it's man's. I kind of felt bad about not reading it anymore after six years of doing that. I don't need to hear those things anyway. A few weeks ago, my parents gave me the choice about whether or not I would go to church, so obviously I didn't go. Then, last week, they said the whole family had to go. I asked my mother would she like to go to a church where they think she should go to hell because of her sexual preference? Obviously, she said no, but then she said church is God's home and she is there for him not the priests or what they preach. She said going to church is just between her and God, no one else involved. She and I know God doesn't condemn people for who they love. I really love my parents a lot for being so great with everything.
Another thing that's happened is one of my teachers has made some comments in class about homosexuals and, well, some other comments as well. This has happened twice. If he does it again, I just want to go up to him and mention something politely to him to stop saying stuff. I've mentioned it to my parents about saying something but they're against that, thinking that the teacher could penalize me as far as marks go if I tried to handle it myself. They want me to make an anonymous complaint to the school board, but then I wouldn't feel like I've handled it the way I want to. I think I'm mature enough to be able to talk to my teacher about it in a civilized way.
I want to feel like I've put my part into the cause and all, but my parents would think my marks would be more important. I don't care about anything when someone, especially a teacher, makes such comments that were totally uncalled for. A few times I've heard, not directed at me yet, faggot being used. I don't know what it is but I really hate that word and looking at it. So, I don't say anything cause I can't bother. At my school recently, there has been some friction between the natives and whites. So we got a good talking to about prejudice and the natives were held back from school for about 2 days, enough time for things to calm down. People are so backward here. They haven't even gotten by racism in this way yet, not that any place has, but I'm sure other places are much further along than we are. It also kind of saddens me to see people in class who have gotten high in between periods or during lunch.
A gay friend I know has gotten tested for HIV. It got me thinking. You see it on TV and all, people getting tested. It's strange when someone you know is getting tested. It's like he says, "well, there's like no chance." You're so sure and then there is that thing, like, well then what is the point of the test? It gets a little unnerving, mostly for the person I guess when that starts running through your head. He was real nervous about going for the test, mostly about ALL the questions they ask. He was safe in everything he did. The interrogation wasn't bad at all. He had a 40 minute chat with the person that gave him the test that turned out to be very comforting. So there's a two week wait, and he's pretty sure it will be a good outcome.
Things haven't been real great, I've been sick for a few weeks and only managed to miss three days of school. We just had Thanksgiving this past weekend, no turkey diner. I miss that though, me and mom ended up having burgers and my sister and father went to the movies. I never go to the movies anymore with my parents. Its weird, mom teases me about it, I'm too embarrassed to go to the movies with them and yet I'm more comfortable with being gay. It feels real nice to be that comfortable with it.
I updated my web page so take a peek. Til next month.