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Robert Hines

December 1996

Hi all again, so this past month hasn't been all that great. I started getting bashed at school. I was like expecting it over the summer. I was doing so well for the past one and a half months, and then I was disappointed when it started. I got an "I'm a fag" sign stuck to my back. The worst thing about it was that someone I know who turned into an asshole did it...and I'm allowed to say "asshole." So the whole class knows, not that I should care, but I do and don't know why. Today I had someone yell, "Hey are you a faggot?" I don't know. And I might get called a fag once and a while, and I might get people who know I'm gay coming up and asking me. I just get so frustrated, not mad. I want to make them understand me. People used to come up and ask me politely and all, and now when someone comes up like that I get so paranoid, wondering if it's sincere, or if they want to bash. I don't know. Do I dwell too much on the coming out experience at school, and are you all sick of it?

As I had said before, there are race differences at my school. My whole English class is studying prejudice, the literature part of it anyway. We've done 2 prejudice stories and 2 novels. I think it is great, because it gets people thinking. Now for this Friday coming up, we have to pass in an essay on prejudice, and how it has effected us in a personal way. I'm kinda nervous about it, but what the hell. I mean to not put any "content" in there which would be stupid. It just seems that homosexuality has been coming up in projects I've done. I did one on Alexander the Great, and one on Bill Clinton for economics about the US military policy of "don't ask don't tell". It is sooo stupid. What does it mean anyway? If you're straight then you don't tell or don't ask? It's a double standard. Now I have the English project, but in this one I actually say it.

The other day in History I was in a group. My history class is pretty up to beat I think, thinking-wise, not that I should be judging them.

But asked me if who was sitting next to me and was real nice if she knew my kinda secret. KINDA SECRET?!?!? I said, "I don't know." So I went over and whispered in her ear real quietly, "Guess what Bob's secret is?" She says, "what?" I say, "Bob's straight." She busted out laughing It took him a little while to figure it out.

Then I said, "See, it doesn't matter Bob. It's the same thing, 'cause it is and all." Getting treated equally is a big thing with me now. Not just gay/straight/bi, but I always pick up on the sexist comments now. I guess I've gotten more sensitive about prejudice in general. I don't know, I feel like doing something about it. These are all my thoughts, like my online diary open to the world. I guess I could make some complaints about bashers or something, but I just have this feeling that no one cares.

That idiot who put that sign on my back comes up today with 2 or 3 people after school and asks me if I really am, I say, "yeah" and he's like "whoa." Well it's like he knew since last year. I don't know, it got me confused. I don't know what's going through people's heads about this. What I really want to happen is for people who look at me and see me and what I'm like. I want them to find out and I want them to re-evaluate there ideas on homosexuality. At the start of this I was just sick of being straight, now I really want to do everything to change things. In history class we all got pink buttons that say 'let's stop racism', so it's on my school bag. I want to get some rainbow thing or something, but it wouldn't matter. people don't know what a rainbow stands for, or a pink triangle. Every class is seeming to find out. My English class is just getting with me being gay. God people are soo stupid, I can't stand people asking, "Really?" It's like well I wouldn't be gay if I had said no!

On IRC I just start to wonder sometimes, are there any other gay teenagers in Sydney? There's like no one. Then I start to think how bad some people have it. Starting a gay/straight alliance at school would be a good idea, but we'd have 1499 straight and 1 gay. I'm sure I said before that my mother has been trying to get training in helping youths come out and accept being gay. She wants to start a youth group but who would show? I have my ideas of who's queer or not at that school, and I have this urge to talk to them and try to help them out; well, just be a friend really, a gay one, and maybe they would come out to me. A female friend has already said she is confused about what she is.

We've had differences I guess, it just seems like she doesn't want me around. She started hanging around with people I don't really like and people I do like so I don't know what to think. Not that it's my job to pick her friends, just my opinion anyway and everyone is entitled to one, but hey I can handle rejection. There is this one guy in one of my classes I really think is gay, and really cute too. I just like dream about meeting someone I guess. I've talked to people on IRC and they've said with me being out and all that I might get some calls from some people looking for anything, something, a single person to relate to. Of course I wouldn't say anything to anyone and I'd let them bring up some of the gay things, I wouldn't want to scare anyone off, there's no one to begin with.

I've found out that in Halifax, 4 hours away, there is a gay youth prom. With transportation from anywhere in the province, maybe, and 2 nights somewhere, it would be a great thing to . I find myself looking for someone more than ever lately. I don't like the feeling either. It's like torture I guess. Nova Scotia is a pretty good province to live in though. There are many resources and quite a bit of support you can get. Unfortunately it's all in Halifax, most of it anyway. I guess Sydney might be the next best place but people's ways of thinking here can be pretty depressing. Sydney is on Cape Breton Island. It has a reputation I'd say for having more rednecks and conservative people than other place. No offense, but I think that's true. People are too stubborn to change there minds, they're too stubborn to think about it. An out gay person here is pretty much unheard of, unthought of, and an undone thing with Cape Bretoners.

What was really great was that the day of the English exam my friend was the last one to leave class, and my English teacher asked her if I was having a hard time. She said "yeah", and he told her to tell me that he has it all taken care of. I felt really good about knowing I have a member of the staff on my side of everything. So the next English class was good, no problems. I don't know what an anxiety attack feels like but last week I came closest to one. It's really scary when your heart is pounding ready to bust and you have people bashing on you. I swear Thursday of last week I was shaking all day. But I'm livin' till next month.


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