December 1996

If it makes you happy,
It canít be that bad.
If it makes you happy
Then why the hell are you so sad

-Sheryl Crow

He waited his whole damn life,
To take that flight,
And as the plane crashed down, he thought,
ëWell isnít that nice?í...
And who would have thought
It figures?

-Alanis Morrisette

Well, you have to have some hope. You canít just give up. There always is some kind of hope, no matter how bad it looks. And if you donít believe in God, well you have to believe in something, someone that is trying to help you, and looking out for you.

-A good friend of mine

Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold on to.

-Dolores Claiborne

Sometimes, being bitter is all I have to hold on to.

-My own variation of the above quote

If it is such a big fucking problem, too bad. Why should I change so you can be happy?

-A friend, Alexis

One day, I meet Mrs. Anita Bryant.
She told me this, ìAll homosexuals shall rot in Hell,
Where Snakes and Serpents shall torment you while
The devil watches in glee, as punishment for your disgusting actively.î
And I said to her, ìMrs. Anita Bryant, with all due respect
That I am sure you deserve, however which I shall not show you,
It is nice to see you preaching about something you are kin to: Snakes.

-I wrote that

Happy birthday Oasis! Youíre one year old now. At last, you hit a milestone. Kudos to you! As you can tell, I am a big fan of Alanis. Any one else a fan?

Kudos to Clinton on beating the pants of Bob Dole. Dole always reminded me of that wrinkly old eccentric uncle at the family reunion. You know the one that everyone told you to go say hi to, the one who would always say, ìCome sit on my lap!î in a real raspy voice. The day after Election Day, in my US History class, me and this one girl sat there making fun of the die hard Dole freak in our class and did a little victory jig. Itís so petty of me, but I can be very petty.

Also, I got some reader trÈs angry in my October column. Sorry, that is just the way I feel. Of the kids I know that are Republicans, they are very conservative; you know, anti-abortion, anti-gay, anti-United Nations. Some arenít as radical, but look at Pat Buchanan. I thought there were laws for keeping people like that in check. That is what Golding thought society did. A little history on him: He wrote Lord of The Flies. He wrote it after World War II. Now, many say that society corrupts criminals, like Dahmer, and all those nuts. He thought just the opposite; mainly society keeps people in check. And when there is no check or control on people, the devil that he thought is in all of us, surfaces. You should read the book.

However, it was the Republicans who got that Defense of Marriage Act through Congress. Clinton just signed it as election insurance. Dole did run radio ads saying Clinton was corrupting America by letting gays in the military. It was checked by an ad mentioning the DOMA. Wasnít it Buchanan who said he would be damned if he let any gays in his administration? And I do believe I read at an Internet site that was setup by the Republicans, an outline of the party platform. And it said clearly that since gay mostly vote Democrat, they would take measures to ìinsure that this sinful activity is made illegal.î The Republicans have our welfare in mind. They would probably change the Pledge of Allegiance to ìLiberty and justice for straight people.î Now Iím all riled up.

By the way, that break means a time lapse. A day or so, I guess. I am not as bitter now. Just very tired of fighting a loosing battle. But I try my hardest not to be defeated. I guess my mom is all right with it. My dad, well, is my dad. But it still isnít something I go around discussing with them.

In Robís column last month he mentioned about him not going to church anymore. That just made me reflect on my own view points. Karl Marx did after all say, ìReligion is the opiate of the masses,î which is kind of true. I am not a religious person by any means. Take the weekend of 9/11 through 11/11(9th of November through 11th of November. Itís just the way I date things. But I am not going to get into that). It is considered sacred by my religion, to be more precise, the day before and after the new moon in November. I am usually in a good mood, but this time I really wasnít. Religion has lost itís fascination with me. I think it comes with growing up; you turn cynical. However, following my friendís advice, I try to believe in some force helping me. I try to hold on to some hope.

I know I am not going to do well on my report card. By the time you all will be reading this, I will have gotten it already, and the bomb would have exploded. My bitch of a sister blew the whistle that I was getting a C in Math Analysis. She found out because my clueless Math Analysis teacher blew the whistle to her. So my mom kept asking me what went wrong. I told her I was under a lot of pressure and it was very stressful. And then she asked, ìOh, is ëthat thingí bothering you? We settled that...î At that point, I lost it and yelled, ìWhy do all my problems seem to boil down to that!?!?!î She stayed quite after that. I just want her to say ìOkay, Iím cool with that.î I wonder if Iíll hear it from her. So stressful.

Do not get me wrong. I have always tried my hardest to get good grades. I have always tried to do my best in school. My sister is the fucking valedictorian of her class. School has almost always come first for me. In my Honors classes, I have gotten a B+, B+, A, B, C and C. And that is pretty damn good for the classes I take. I say almost because, when I get sick, I donít get a little dinky cold. No way. I get the flu/allergy attack from hell. I had the worst allergy attack of the season on the 2nd of November. And it is still lingering with me, just little sniffles, that is more because it is cold enough to freeze a Lean Cuisine outside.

Just to give you an idea of how cold it is. Cleveland, which I think is only some 500 miles away from here, got 44î of snow. I know someone who is from Toronto. And she tells me it gets cold as the Arctic there in winter. And she knows someone who lives in Nova Scotia, and itís even colder up there. I was once in Nova Scotia (Yes Matt, and Rob, would you believe Sydney? Long time ago) during the winter, and it was SO COLD! I got frostbite. I was also there during the summer, and was much more pleasant. In New Jersey, summers can go into the hundreds and winters can go below zero. My room is on the top floor of the house, and it is unbearably cold. However, my bed is nice and toasty and comfy, with nice flannel sheets and a nice warm blanket and comforter. So nice and warm, ëcause after all, the most important thing I can think of happens there. Sleep, not just sex! Get that dirty little thought out of your sick minds!

And I have made school so important, or maybe because the classes I have are so demanding, I had to go to school the last day of the term, only to find out it had be extended by a day. I was so sick; my sinuses felt ready to explode and take my head with them. But I still had to give a presentation to my US History class, a review day in Math Analysis, a test in Chemistry, and a test in Geometry. So stressful. I try too hard.

I try to impress people; sometimes they are easily impressed, and others want me to change. I do a lot of things, BUT ONE THING I WILL NEVER DO IS CHANGE MYSELF TO PLEASE OTHERS!!!!! That is so unlike me, and if someone has a problem with who I am, they are the ones who are gonna have to live with it, not me. I would rather die then change myself to please someone else.

I need to have someone in my life I can really open up to. But I donít. I want to have someone I can talk to about what matters to me. But I donít. I need to have someone who can make me smile. But I donít. I need to have someone who gives good head. But I donít. Oh well. I need to have someone who is cute, smart and funny, someone I can relate to. But I donít. I probably wouldnít be bitter if I did have someone in my life like that. I probably wonít find out for some time.

There is a gay/lesbian/bisexual youth group near where I live. However, I am not the one to ask my parents to drive me to where it is. I spoke to the person in charge, and he said there was someone who came there from my high school. Life is sometimes just a little too good for me.

In last monthís column, I mentioned that Oasis was involved in my coming out business. My parents said that I should have turned here for advice. I think they were not listening to me when I told them what this is. They said if I had questions, I should have asked them. Now, I have a question for you: Who here, in their right mind, go to their parents and say ìGee mom/dad, I have some questions about sex, and I think I might be gay/bi. What should I do?î and still keep a straight face? Who can do that? I demand to know. Parents are so, in a word, child-like in that sense. Did mine really think that I would go up to them and start talking about my sexuality? I donít think so! Who would? Who is that open with their parents? E-mail me on that. I started to write for Oasis not because I had questions, but because it was something I wanted to. I love doing this; I think this is a great web site and hope it doesnít go anywhere.

Sorry this is depressing. I will try to make it fun next month. Those first 2 quotes are so cool. Alanis rules! Sheryl Crow is pretty cool also.

And Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah, and Happy New Year, and Happy Winter Solstice, and Happy-Every-Other-Holiday-In-December-In-Case-I-Forgot-Any. And people, e-mail and cheer me up, k? See ya!

[About the Author]

©1996 Oasis Magazine. All Rights Reserved.