Paul PelleritoDecember 1996
Loneliness breeds pessimism. I can feel that beast growing inside me every time I see a couple holding hands, friends of mine kissing, or even a love song on the radio. It's so heard for me to keep a good outlook when the urges inside me are so strong and I have no way to release them. I guess I could come out, but even then finding someone would probably be just as difficult as it is now.
I sit through school and take in all the messages around me: find someone special, go out on dates, hold hands in the hallway, all that stuff that teenage dating is supposed to be. Well, I'm real lacking on all those counts, and I'm sure most of you out there reading this are too.
What can we do? Besides the fact that I've noticed I say this in almost all my columns, the best thing for us to do is to wait until we can get out of suburbia, rural hell, or where ever. What do you do? Look around, see what's out there. Most cities have places where gay teens can meet, but even those may be hard to get to. I can't go to our local Windfire meetings because I've got class during that time. It's a bummer, but I'm determined that once my classes at Grand Valley are finally over just before Christmas break, I'll be going as much as I can. I've heard from the people at P-FLAG and I guess their membership is getting younger, so there's possibilities there. You've gotta check out what's in your area, and exploit your resources as much as you can. Check out the QRD and Queer America to see what's in your area.
Other than that, try and keep an outlook. I think I'm going to die from loneliness, but I hold on through every day knowing that just maybe I'll find someone I'm looking for. That's just about the only thing solid I can do.
Fortunately, I've got a couple friends who are older and I can talk to and rely on. It's great to know that there's someone out there that's made it trough these tough years and made it out happy. They're an inspiration to me, but even having someone to look up to doesn't fill the big void in my life.
Love? I'm not sure what that is. I love all my friends and family, but I've never been in love. I'm not sure I'd know what love was even if it hit me in the face. Sure, I've had my little crushes and infatuations, but nothing's ever become of it. Anyone I've tried to ask out always turns out to be straight. The odds are only 10% in my favor, so what can I really do anyway?
Again, back to pessimism. Wanting to tell the world to go fuck itself because I'm so lonely and so desperate for someone to love, and for someone to love me. Apathetic to all the world's problems because I've got this big whole in my heart and no one to fill it. Life can really run me down sometimes.
But I always find some way to look ahead, something always tells me what it will get better. I'm not sure if that'll actually happen, but I'm willing to bet my heart on it. If just for a little while.
Since it's Christmas, I'd like to remind Santa, if he's reading, that I'd really like a nice guy to go out with. He doesn't have to come through the chimney wrapped in a big bow, just have the reindeer drop him off at the front door. Anyway, back to reality...
The thing that bugs me is that none of my friends really see how lucky they are, even the ones I'm out to. They always complain about their girlfriends or boyfriends, or not having one. Well, boys and girls, at least there's a chance! I've nothing but hope, and even that little flame is beginning to flicker.
People on IRC are always asking me what I've done with other guys, something I'm sure those dirty little men behind the keyboards love to hear about. Well, I've slutted around with my friends trying to get some satisfaction for my raging hormones, but there's never been anything committed, nothing I really felt comfortable with, no one I've felt I could really get close to. I'm sure most of you know what I mean... casual sex works for the sex drive, but it doesn't take care of the love. That's what we all want, the combo meal.. love and sex. For those of you who actually get it, I'm insanely jealous, and you guys (girls too!) are really lucky for having another queer youth to help you along on this silly road we call life.
Remember what I make a big deal about? You working to change your life, not just waiting for it to happen. I try as hard as I can to meet people and go places. Look up your area on Queer America or the Queer Resources Directory, check out the newsgroups, and most of all, keep your faith.
Each of us are blessed with the power to love another person. The journey to find that someone may be long and hard, but for those who make it the gifts and rewards are innumerable.
The future lies in our hands. I hope you all have a good Christmas, Chanukah, Yule, whatever. See you next month.