"You're the best listener,
That I ever meet.
You're my best friend,
Best friend with benefits.
What took me so long?"
(This quote is for everyone who e-mailed me offering me support. Thanx guys and gals.
"Who will saves you souls,
After the lies that you told boy?
And who will save your soul,
if you won't save your own?"
"And I try,
Oh dear Lord do I try,
I try all the time,
In this institution.
And I pray,
Oh dear God, do I pray.
I pray as time goes by,
For a revolution."
-From that song that goes, "Hey, what's going on?" Who sings that anyway?
"Lie to me, I promise I'll believe.
Lie to me, but promise you won't leave."
"Revenge is sweet, and best served cold."
(My own little saying)
"Insults from a stranger rarely hurt; when it comes from some you thought gave two shits about you, it kills you."
(My own little saying)
Well, Happy New Year everybody! I hope that you all have had a nice pervious year, and may the new year bring you happiness. There, I said my little happy part. I am bitter, cold, tired, and defeated, but I am still standing. And I would like to thank everyone who e-mailed me, giving me some support with my coming out. Thanks! It means a lot to a bisexual teen. It is so nice to have some people who can relate to you. I would have thanked you in last months column, but all that mail came through after I had submitted it already. But still, thank you all.
We were at Barnes and Noble the other day. My parents wanted to get me a book from some famous guy on stress and anger. They looked at each other and said I had been angry lately. And they said it as though I was Katie KaBoom. And of course, I said, firmly "I am NOT angry!" Well, I am, but I'll be the last to admit it. And I am mostly stressed out. It is very odd in my house. I mean, I have turned very condescending towards my second oldest sister. We got into an argument about something that WAS NOT my fault. But she blamed me. And I yelled back at her and she yelled back at me. I said I was happy to see we were one big happy family. She said, "Well, we would be. It's just that you don't count anymore, not that you ever did." That was not nice, and she didn't even bother to say she was sorry. I just sort of backed off then, went into my room, locked the door, and fell asleep.
I couldn't eat for a week, I felt so sick. And when I got angry at her afterwards for little things, my mom asked why I had turned so bitter. I don't want to tell her, because it will kill her. Don't get me wrong, I do love my family, expect my sister. Well, as far as family love is concerned, it is a weak one. Very weak. I decided not to go to her graduation. She graduating number 1 in the academic ranking. It means a lot to her, but I just will not go. I will say I am sick, I am tired, I will say anything, but I will not go to it. Right now, I wouldn't go to her funeral. That is how much I really can't stand her.
For Thanksgiving, we always go to one of our friends house. This year, since I refuse to be civil with my sister, I feel like I am in Home For The Holidays. Good movie, you should see it. And as icing on the cake, my sister from college is home also, and she will drive everyone crazy. Stressful.
In school, for my English class, we finished The Crucible and are now reading The Scarlet Letter, which is SOOOOOOO BORING!!!! To much symbolism and theme for me. and Hawthorne writes like this; "Come hither Pearl," and "Thou mocks me, Hester." And that book is about 3 thousand years old. I have such a positive attitude, don't I? I have a multimedia project to present to my English class on early American literature. I am doing a version of Jeopardy, and it's really STUPID!! But I worked hard on it, so I should get a good grade. Maybe if I kiss up more...
I want a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend. Preferably a boyfriend, but I will take what I can get. I may have to wait a long time for either, but I hope I will find a really nice one. Most likely, I'll find one in college. I really don't want to go to any place near New Jersey. To cold, to cold, to cold! I would like to go to UCLA, or someplace in California. And I would like be in some kind of exchange program. I would love to study in Canada. I fell in love with the place some time ago. It was so nice there. Especially in the Maritime Provinces. The shorelines there are gorgeous. It is, without a doubt, colder than New Jersey, but still, it would be cool to study there.
Back to the significant other thing it would be so nice though to have one. I guess a boyfriend would be better; at least then I could relate to what he would think, feel, and want. I would think the same applies to lesbians. It isn't really about sex, it's about who you love.
And I am not looking for sex. Yes I am. Well, not really. I really would love to have a nice relationship with a guy or a girl. Is that so much to ask? I mean, I see my friends in relationships with others, and frankly, that helps to add to my stress. I get very ticked off easily these days. But I might have some leads in that department.
I can't remember whose column, or when it was. It might have been Matt's, but when it was, I have no idea. Anyway, he asked how you could tell if someone is gay. And a lot of his replies was that you look in their eyes for a few seconds, and something like that, and you found one. I tried that, and I found a few.
One of them, well, he just acts gay. The other one, well, he is hotter then an oven on the self-clean cycle. Woo hoo! And the other makes fun of gays, but I think he is gay because of the eye thing. The one who is way hot has a nice ass to. Is it me or is it hot in here? A lot of kids seem to think he is gay. He has such a nice butt! And one who acts gay, well, it seems to be a consensus that he is gay. And the one who makes fun of gays, well, he is kinda cute, but when ever he says anything about me, I know I am better then him, and I always will be. But he hasn't hit puberty yet so that is a bit of a turn off.
There is this one kid I know, and he calls me a fag. Who the hell is he to do that, he jumps guys in the locker room! And he could make Prune Face seem good looking. He has a face that looks like it has been pressed up against a window, and it stayed like that. Nasty! And of course I am better the him in volley ball.
And if people want to take away our rights because of who we want to be with, then they had better not stop there! They had better take away rights from foreigners, minorities, Catholics, and women also! And they should also change the Pledge of Allegiance to "Liberty and Justice for White, Straight Males." However, this is the land of the free, and to do that would be "unconstitutional." But they can discriminate freely against us, because we love someone of our own sex, oh God forbid! No, we shouldn't have rights. But rapists, and murderers have rights and to take away their rights would be wrong. Does this make sense to you all? I just wrote this, because my hands broke free from my brain, and put it in. If you are in anyway offended, sorry! Or if you have no clue as to what I am trying to say here, e-mail me and I'll try to be more clear. Or if you agree with me, let me know!
I really don't think life is easy. I had hoped that my family would be there for me when I came out, but they really weren't. It's not something that is discussed on the dinner table. I really doubt any gay teen really and truly has it easy. But if you do have friends and family to support you, then way to go! As for stress in my life, I write it out. See the latest product of my stress in my short story, To Die For. It is a sad story, but this how I write out my frustrations.
So many people throw religion at gays. They say that we will burn in hell for the sin of being gay or bi, or whatever. But is it a sin to love someone that you want to? Is it really that bad? Beside, what the fuck do they know about this kind of love anyway? Nothing.
I have been working to hard. By the time you all will be reading this, it will be time for my mid-terms, which will suck really badly.
Advice to kids who have come out: Don't lose hope! Whatever you do, don't lose hope. You were strong enough to come out, now show those bastards that you really have strength to say, "Yeah, I'm gay/bi" You all are making people a little more aware about what is going on, and you should be awarded for it. More power to you.
That means a break. I am now writing to you on the 1st of December. It's World AIDS Day. I find that many young people think they can't get AIDS, and they look down on everyone who has it. I remember last year, we had an assembly about AIDS, and we were going to have speakers come in and discuss it. However, they were too sick to come (They had AIDS). So the AIDS Awareness Group in our school just talked to us about it. One question that was asked was how would you prevent getting AIDS. And some bastard yelled, "You should pop over rubber women!" He was sooooooo cool, yelling that out.
This assembly went on all day for all the gym and health classes. And I was talking to someone in a later period, and she agreed with me. You know, that kids are really dumb went it comes to something serious like this. She said someone asked a speaker if he had any kids. He said he wished he did, but he didn't. He did say he had a cat. And the person who asked the question said to his friends that he probably got off on the cat. That was even cooler then the rubber woman joke!
On one of my friend's back pack, I had noticed written there, "AIDS cures fags." I said to him, "AIDS cures fags? What about everyone else who has AIDS?" He said they must have been doing something. I didn't say anything after that. I could have, but it is just so pointless to argue with people like that. But, Life is strange; watch him get AIDS from fucking some girl. And I guess I will have the last laugh then. That's one of Life's natural highs; having the last laugh, and getting revenge. Sweet! I love my little saying at the beginning! I am really obsessed with revenge, and I have a feeling the I will be telling this to a shrink someday.
Since I have gotten my self pissed off, because of what I wrote here (thanks a lot!) I think I will rant and rave about something else. Tori Amos has joined forces with Calvin Klien to form an organization called RAINN. Stands for "Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network", or something like that. And if I remember correctly, she was raped. Please correct if I am wrong. And I am sure she brought the rapist to trial, and it dragged on for months, and 90% chance that bastard got off. I am not sure about this so tell me if I am wrong! And that really sucks, that people can get away with crime like that. I think if you rape or murder someone, you have no rights! You ruined someone's life, or took theirs away, and if I was on that jury, you ain't gonna get your rights! You should be dragged out in to the streets, shot, and you should feel the pain and misery that you caused them!
For example, that Alex Kelly person was able to run to Europe, and hide there for over 5 years. I think he should be thrown in jail and let the key be tossed down the garbage disposal. And I am sure his parents were well aware where he was the whole time, and they should also be shot, that is if they did know where he was, for that. I am sure they thought, "Oh, our little boy could have done this." But there were 2 charges of rape on him. And how he was able to leave the country, I may never know. And it doesn't seem like people want to talk about rape. If you are a mass terrorist, and have fled the country, you can bet that there will be check everywhere you go. But rapist, well, then it's not as bad. Of course, both of them could be lying about it all also. But, I really don't think anyone could lie about something like that. And if they are, well, they a' goin' to hell!
On to something on the light side. I wouldn't say I am that terribly hot, but, lots of people think I am pretty cute. But I don't look good in any of my pictures. And in close ups, you can see my beard growing, which, to me, looks horrible in the picture. And the reason why it is there; because when I get up in the morning, I am to damn tired to shave. I tell myself at 6:00 AM, "If I don't shave, I can sleep until 6:40(My alarm is set for 6 so I get up when I am suppossed to)." And that's what I end up doing. I have to break that habit.
Also, my hair has to look nice. It has to be in that right place. Nice, little stereotypical gay thing, but it is one of my little quirks. Fuck you if you don't like that. And on that subject, it's turning colors! It is normally black. Now, it looks like it is more of a copper-brown color. And in all light settings. Very odd. In the summer, it will become slightly reddish.
I went shopping Thanksgiving weekend. How stupid am I? At this time I want to go to the mall, and take a big axe and, well, you get the picture. And half the people there aren't buying, just looking. And I want to say, "If you aren't going to spend any money, then quit hogging all the good parking spaces!"
I am on America Online. And most of my online chats go like this: Hey guys, 16/m/CA/7.5 cut here or Hey dudes, what's up, I am. Is that all that we gay people think about? I do think about it a lot. It's natural. But don't be askin' me what those thoughts are. Fuck no!
One of my favorite shows, on the Comedy Central is Absolutely Fabulous. It's a British comedy, and it is absolutely fabulous. The main character, Eddy (woman) lives with Peggy (not sure of name). I always seem to miss the show, but it is funny! This is true dysfunctionality. The mother hates the daughter, daughter hates the mother and the roommate. The mother has a gay ex-husband, and everyday is hell for them. It is easy to laugh at them. One time, the mother was bugging the daughter about why she doesn't have a boyfriend. The mother was totally drunk I should add. She said the only reason she could think of is that she is gay, which she isn't. It went like this:
Mother: Oh, come on! Be honest with me! Say it, say that your gay!
Daughter: All right, I'm gay! Are you happy?
Mother: Oh good show, darling, good show!
Daughter: Well, don't get used to it. I'm not gay.
Mother: Oh, well. Sure, break to me like that. But, it's all right. I can
Go figure ya know. Politically Incorrect also rules. A lot of the things they say there makes sense. When that whole Utah gay youth thing came up in May, was it, they had the panel talking about it. And the woman, I forget her name said, "It is just an after-school thing to make gay teens feel more comfortable by being with others like them. Is that really so much to ask?" She has a good point. They also had this gay guy there, who in my opinion was a jack ass! He is the kind of person who give gay people a bad name. He supports Pat Buchannan. Go figure ya know! The guy said he won't have any open gay in his administration, and he supports that bastard!?!?!? These views are the author's and do not necessarily reflect the views of Oasis. I decided to put that after I read the angry letter in November about my column, which I still think was a dumb letter. If you are reading this, Aaron or whatever the hell your name is, Fuck You!
On the subject of Comedy Central, I was one time watching a show with some stand up comics. It was Tompkin's Square I think. This has to do with what I was saying about gay relationship, with the people knowing what the other is saying. This one woman was saying this:
"You know, there are some advantages to being gay. I mean you know about the other person better, you know what they need and you can understand what they think. I mean, men think Monstat-7 is a tooth paste! One day, my boyfriend came out from the bathroom, holding it in his hand, saying, 'Mmmmmm, this tooth paste work's real good. Look how white my teeth are. Tastes pretty good also.' I cracked up saying, 'Honey, that's my yeast infection cream!' An' he just about died right there."
I hope that put a smile on some peoples faces. It made me laugh real good. I had needed it then. The audience seemed to like it to. Life is stressful. I had this huge project to do for my English class, and my copier was not in a good mood. I had to ask myself if the people responsible for advances in technology should be awarded or dragged out into the street and shot. I was very stressed out.
And I still am. I haven't been sleeping very well, no big surprise there. A lot of work to do and to little time to do it. And I am keeping all of my emotions bottled up inside of me, which can't be good. I really don't ave anyone I can really open up to. As for my family, well, forget that. And I am not out to anyone that I can really talk to.
I will say that many people a kinda clueless about gays. Example: My Spanish teacher was in a real nutty mood one day, and when she is, she is real funny. Well, recently, the school changed books for Spanish I. And to go with the new Spanish I, there are all these work books and videos to go with t to make it a "more complete learning process." Whatever. So the guys in the videos act really gay. And in Spain, especially the area around Madrid, everyone says their T's with a drag on it and it sounds like Th's. Try it. It does sound a little like the stereotypical gay man talking. It does when you hear it, trust me. And in Europe, and it seems like Europe is the only place where guys will do this, the guys walk down the streets arms around each other and all that jazz. And to us, it looks odd, cause when we in North America see it, our first assumption is "They're gay." So combine that with the Th's sounds and you have a class of Spanish I'ers saying that they are all "fags." And she said it to, "And they were acting like fags..." but right after she said it she said sorry if she offended anyone.
I am very opinionated. I stand firm for what I believe in. I also know better then to get involved with guidance counselors, or anyone related to the school system. They give me the heebie-jeebies. They latch onto your little problems, blow them up, and try to "be your light." As if they get some high from it.
That last paragraph was very redundant, and served no real purpose, but it is going to gear you up for this paragraph. But first, I am sure some of you are wondering, why didn't I say anything to that teacher. First of all, she is really nice, and she said she was sorry, and second, I just don't want to get involved. I know I can't change the world, and I don't want to pick a fight for something that I know will give me nothing but stress, and will cause me to rip my hair out. I shouldn't have that attitude, but I have it. And I really don't have the strength to say anything. I have the mouth, not the strength. Go figure.
I have also learned never to get to close to my friends. It can be dangerous. I have chosen to be neutral, and I try to be friends with as many as possible. That doesn't leave many personal ones. But, when things happen between close friends, at least I don't get tied into it. And because of this, I have no real close friends. But one is kind enough to tell me about his sexual conquest. That can make you sick after a while. But one thing I want to know is where the fuck do people get these stereotypes from about us. Or anyone for that matter. I mean, kids will call each other gay, they will call me gay, and I just wonder, what the hell do I do that makes them think that. Do I talk funny, walk funny, or is it just them wanting someone to kick around. Well fuck them! Okay, this is pretty long isn't it? 7 pages. Well, time to wrap this month's column up. See ya next month. And e-mail gripe stories, happy stories, or whatever-stories.