March 1997

"They say I must be one of the wonders God's own creation."

-Natalie Merchant

"Tomorrow, after all, is another day."

-Scarlet O'Hara

"I'm only happy when it rains. I only like it when it's complicated. I didn't think that you'd appreciate it. I'm only happy when it rains."


"If I could reach...higher."

-Gloria Estafan

I call this column Phoenix, and for good reason.

Though I think The Scarlet Letter is the most boring book in the world, it does have themes that do live on today: One being that society will put a scarlet letter on someone for not conforming to the standards of the majority. In a discussion in English, the teacher named some of those thing that can earn someone a scarlet letter. One of those she said was homosexuality. The person behind me said to me that being gay was one thing he would never really get. It just seemed weird to him, and that he would rather not know if any of his friends were gay or bi. He added that he had no problem with them, it just that it is odd to him. I think he knows I'm bi, even though I never told him; I guess that is why he is in all of my classes. He's smart. And he has nice eyes.

I would not take it upon myself to go around saying that there is nothing wrong with being gay or bi, because there is nothing wrong with it. People should be smart enough to know that there is nothing wrong with it. This is the 90's not the 50's, when being gay was a faux pas. Even if I was straight, I wouldn't judge someone if the person was gay. I really don't think that you can draw a conclusion about someone just on knowing that one fact. I found out that one of my friends was Puerto Rican: she doesn't look Puerto Rican, and I didn't stop being her friend. That fact that people will do that stresses me out. Someone will be your best friend, and if they find out your gay, and you aren't even attracted to the person, you become there enemy.

I told my closest friend I was bi in July, I told him a few weeks ago that I told my parents. I wanted to tell him when I did, but I had no strength left in me. He was so great about it. He was there for me when I needed him, and I was really thankful for that. I don't expect all my friends to understand that I am bi. Like I said in the first paragraph, it must be hard for people to understand where we are coming from. Of course, some don't care, and to them, it doesn't matter. I just want respect from them, that's all. I don't care if people like me or not: You just better respect me, and I will return it to you. If you're nice to me, then I'm nice to you. If you even try to fuck me over, I will fuck you over 10 times harder.

Christmas time in my house is stressful, 'cause the whole family is there. And it is not going to be any better with me being out. But I have adapted a way of dealing with them. Put on a huge, mocking smile that says I want to rip your eyes out, and run up to my room, and find something I can rip up. That's my little way off dealing with stress. In fact, when my mom went to Australia, I cursed that her plane would crash and she be only one that died. But now, I am much more bitter, and I guess some innocent bystanders can go with her, along with my sister. Just to ease the anger that I hold. If looks could kill... You'd all be dead right now! So would everyone that ever laid eyes on me since October, but anyway. I hope you all who are reading this had a better Christmas then I did. I tired to be good so as I would get a boyfriend, but not good enough. Oh well. I'm getting a migraine from writing this. Shit. Everyone in my school is sick. Jackie got sick from watching us eat lunch, what the fuck is wrong with her, Brooke and Lauren both have a stomach virus, Rob, Rich, Shawn, Shawna, and Kevin had the flu, and Nick had bronchitis. I'm the healthy one. Which is odd, because I'm usually the sick one.

My bitch of a chemistry teacher gave us homework for Christmas break. Witch. I really, really, really want a boyfriend. I need to open up to someone, talk to someone, to screw someone. Oye vey, me and my dirty mind! Seriously, I want one so badly. I think it would help me a lot. Just to open up to, rant and rave, hold, laugh with, cry on, something like that. But, Life seems to get a kick from kicking me when I am down. No gay teens where I live in New Jersey, which sucks. Yeah, there is a gay youth group here, but it is about a 20 minute drive, which means I would have to ask someone to drive me. I won't get my license until I'm a senior, which sucks. And my parents, well, screw that idea. It looks like I'll have to wait for college, which really sucks. Damn, I really have one bitch of a migraine.

I rarely get to personal in these columns, but since I am pissed that this happened, I will share it with you all, cause I am sure this has happened to a lot of you readers. AOL is like nuclear power: It can be used for good or evil. I got a nice taste of evil. And it left a bitter aftertaste. In one of those chat room I meet a guy. He said he was 15, and ironically, he lived here in Middletown. So I was really excited. He said he went to my school. Well, a few days later, he told me he was a 28 year old, and he didn't want to see me get hurt. Well, at least he told me the truth. And it was not like I was going to invite him to my house. I may be naive, but I am not stupid. The truth hurts. And in my bitter state, I curses that he would get screwed so hard, that his whole family would feel it.

Ah, Christmas. I love this time of the year. But for some reason, it was amazingly warm. It was almost 70 here on Christmas Eve. And there was a full moon, which I got to see from my bedroom window. There won't be another full moon on Christmas Eve for a good 100 years, so I got a nice treat. And on the Saturday after it, I went to the mall, and got a CD, and this gorgeous shirt from Nike. I am much more relaxed now. School is the truest form of stress in my life, and since I am out for a week, I have a much better attitude. Even my mom said that. And she thought it was for something else, and I kept telling her that it was school.

The Real World rules. I love that show. The Miami one ruled. The LA one was okay, the San Francisco was a big sob story, the London was all right, and the New York one was okay. And who else thinks Flora was the biggest bitch in the world? But at least she was honest about it. That is one thing I admire in people. Honesty. And Dan was so cute wasn't he? He went to Rutgers, ya know. My sister goes there. And of course, she in her cluelessness was saying, "Oh why does he have to be gay? He is so cute!" I just ignore her. She wasn't there when the rest of us power bonded over my sexuality. So she doesn't know, and I think she would be a lot better of not knowing. I really don't care anymore about what people think of my being bi. It is not for them to pass judgment on me. Once again, I really want a boyfriend. I stated in an earlier column about who I thought was gay, or at least bi. Well, now I am even more certain. But I could be wrong. And if I am, damn! One of them has such a nice butt too!

New Year's Eve. I am here writing a little bit more for the column. Anyway, at this time, I like to review my life in the past year. I gained the respect of the people in my classes, but I still have people to win over, or if I don't win them over, put voodoo curses on. I came out to one of my best friends in the whole world, which was a major step for me, thought it may not seem like one to ya all who are out and about. I am finally in all Honors classes, something which I deserve, and something that will be the death of me, but I will pull through some how. I came out to my family, a mistake that I will regret for the rest of my life. It accomplished nothing, and nothing positive came out from it, pardon the pun. What do I have forward to look forward to? My going 11th grade is one thing. Hopefully, coming out more. My sister going to college. I will finally have the house to myself. It will be so quite. I can't say right now if I will miss her. I doubt it. And I really really hope for a boyfriend. I want one so badly. But, I am not the one to make the first move. Or really, someone I know to come out to me. I think that would be the best thing of all. Knowing that a person trusts you enough to tell you that is one of life's natural highs. Oh and about the quotes at the beginning: They are something that helps me through the day.

Okay, a week has gone by. I am still standing, a good sign, but I am about ready to fall. The days are way to short. We need 48 hour days. I have to make up my course assignments for next year. Me, being the overachiever from Hell, will want to stay in Honors. Is it worth the stress? Let's see; I have a thesis statement to come up with, Billy Bud to read, 8 short answer questions to answer, and 20 words to define. And that's just in English. And I have been fighting with insomnia. I am losing that battle. My parents found out I was writing for Oasis again. How they found out, who knows. My mom asked what I was writing here that I could tell her. I told her, "It's just writings." And I dropped the subject. I know I told them I wouldn't write for here anymore, but oh well. Snow is beautiful. Pure and white, it seems so perfect. It is supposed to snow here on Friday. Please let it snow!!!!!!!! I need a day off from school. I also need to fuck some one real bad!! OYE VEY! I have a bad case of athlete's foot. And it hurts like a bitch. It all cracked up, and dry, and itching. That's the icing on my cake. I am such a procrastinator. I always put thing off. It is a very bad habit of mine.

I write again to you all a week later. In the past week, I have had 2 tests, wrote up a lab report with 10 diagrams, defined over 100 words in 2 different languages, wrote 40 sentences in Spanish, which were all perfect, and sold 5 boxes of candy. That was in 5 days. I've been multi-tasking. I have always tried to reach higher. I have a book review due on Monday. It's Friday night now, and I want to finish this up before. January is a cold month. DUH!!!!!!! I like the summer better. So much nicer. I usually end up with the house to myself for the whole day, like from 9 to 5 so that pretty cool. I can walk around naked in my living room! Hey Alanis recommends that, k? It wasn't my idea. I cleaned my room today. And that's an AMAZING feat for me. Also cause we got a new vacuum cleaner, I mean a real one, like a big ol' Hoover. When the old one broke, in April of 96, I told my mom, get a real one, don't get a dinky little broom. No, she got a dinky little broom that did shit! My rug in my room is a thick, shag like one. And that broom couldn't even touch it! I had the last laugh that time. I am always right about those kind of things, so don't argue with me when I tell you to buy something. Well, that last paragraph was pointless, wasn't it? I just wanted something to write really. But for my lab, it was beautiful! Gorgeous! Stunning! A lab showing bonding sites, and structural bonding for different hydrocarbons. We also had to label if it was polar or nonpolar. Don't worry if you don't get this, I just guess on a lot of them. And on another lab, that showed electro-negativity and atomic radius, I got a 14/15 on both. So I am happy about that. Stress, is a major part of my life. I have reports to write, sentences to translate, words to define, equations to solve, logs to put in simple log form. Is it really worth it? I mean, I am in "the elite" of the class. And I absolutely will not be undermined by anyone. Fuck you if you think I cannot do something, because I will always try to. I will always strive to be the best I can. I always will. Are my columns, well, vain? Cause if they are, let me know. I don't want to sound arrogant in these things. There are some writers here can be, but, that's what they write about. There is this one kid in my Spanish class, and he thinks that every girl wants to fuck him. I don't even think he is cute! He is why people think jocks are stupid and full of themselves. If his ego was hot air, there would be enough to float about 20,000 Hindenbergs. He somehow got into his brainless head that he would get in Princeton. Either he is real smart(if he is, he hides it well ) or Princeton lowered their standards A LOT! And I don't think either of them happened. I would love to pop his balloons, but I would rather dance on his grave when he gets the rejection letter from them. Ha ha ha! Revenge is sweet, best served cold! YES! Revenge is also one of life's natural highs. I guess I talk about revenge to much huh? Oh well. It's a hobby of mine. When not fantasizing about this kid in my chemistry class and English class, I think about revenge. Some teens are into music, I am into music and revenge. I also talk about sex to much. What do the readers think? But then again, that really is what guys think about all the time, be they gay or straight. Sex. I am generalizing that last one, so please don't e-mail me all pissed. But a few of the guys e-mailed me saying they all got hard-ons from reading my stuff, so I may cut down on the sex stuff. What do the readers say? Let me know!! Now back to the part about revenge. I think the person who said "2 wrongs don't make a right," was a complete goody-two shoes and had no concept of revenge. Even Gary Larson took a stab at that, you know, the Far Side cartoonist. In one cartoon, he showed to scientists in a lab and one is saying, " Yes, yes Owenings(or some last name like that), everyone knows that. But if you take 2 wrongs squared plus 5, divided by this formula, do make a right." It went something like that. Hope that made you all smile. As I was reading the January issue, I thought about the writers whom were out and on good terms with people. I am on semi-good terms with my parents. But I make it clear that I would much rather die then to change who I am. I can be labeled the liberal non-conformist, but I will never change who I am. Oh and Derek, if your reading this, sorry about your grandmother. :^( I fortunately, have both of mine. I would hate it if they died on me. And I have a question for you all. If you were under pressure, and I mean a whole shit-load of pressure to conform to societies standards, would you do it? I would try my hardest not be defeated by anyone. I would hold my head high and say, "Yes I am bi, and fuck of if you have a problem with it." Or would you be the non-conformist, and do what ever the hell you pleased.

Funny thing happened to me at school, involving Oasis. In my geometry room, there are computers on both sides of the rooms for us to use; They have programs on them for the math classes. I was talking to this one kid who just got AOL. He said he was having fun with it but he hadn't found much on the Internet. I asked him what he had found so far, and the exchange when like this:

Derek: Oh I found this Super Nintendo site, and this other one called Oasis.

Me: (pretending not to know what that is) Oh, what's that site?

Derek: Oh, it's some gay youth website. I got out of it as soon I found out it was a gay site( I think he's gay; What a hypocrite!)

Me: (trying to control my laughter) A gay youth site?

Derek: Yeah, can you believe that? Uh, are you all right?


I couldn't stop myself from laughing, it was just so funny. It really wasn't, cause if he had looked a little farther, he would have found out yours truly is bi. But I was laughing hysterically, and I kept laughing until the end of the day. He must have thought I had just completely lost my mind. I already lost it, so there was nothing to lose. Okay, I just want to clarify something here. I DO NOT want just sex from a relationship. I would like to have a meaningful one, if possible. I got mail from somebody that said I talk about sex to much. Well, maybe I do. But still, I would love to meet a guy who is kind, funny, cute, and isn't some egotistical bastard. Of course, he has to be gay or bi, otherwise, it just won't work. If I could meet somebody, that would so nice. So one who I can talk to, and all that jazz. But in the mean time, back to the real world for me. I don't have a poem or a story for you all to read. I haven't be stressed out as much, cause of winter break. However, I have returned to my frazzled self, and will have something for you all to read. And at that time, we will see if I have been committed, died from not sleeping, or gone a killing spree in my school. Or maybe, I will still be standing, shaky, but standing. I have to chose my courses for next year. As always, I will pick hard classes to show to everyone how much better I am than them. That is also my revenge on the people I hate. I got my hair cut. AHHHHHHHHHH! I was half asleep when I told the barber what I wanted him to do to my hair. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Now it is so short on the top. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Please tell me your hair looks as bad as this. Well, that wraps up my month. Hmmmm, 7 pages. Is it just me, or are these columns get longer after I came out. Maybe it's cause I have more to say now about my life. Oh well, whatever that reason is. Thanx for dropping by my little area in cyberspace. And don't stop her, read someone else's column, like Rob's, or Paul's, or Beverly's or Adam's or Matt's. Anyway, see ya all later.

[About the Author]

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