[oasis] [columns]

Jimmy

March 1997

Well, my first column at the illustrious "e-zine". Millions of people depend on me! Not really, but I'd like to think so.... I'm a gay sophomore in high school in Texas... I became sure I was gay beginning in September of last year. Of course, I always had an inkling, but when you're twelve or ten, you don't want to be different; and naturally, you refuse to think those kinds of thoughts. So.... I like the idea of having a column here--so I communicate with people just like me, and voice what my particular struggles are, and maybe even get help from y'all. So those are my goals, noble as they may seem.

I'm relatively new to the whole gay thing. It's like a magical (somewhat) new world has been opened up to me.... not really, but it's certainly different from the run-of-the-mill life. The hardest thing on me is, since I'm not "out", coping with the loneliness of not having *someone*. It sucks so hard. To know that all those straight guys out there have more than their share of women, and we have such a small group. And there doesn't seem to be anyone at my school. I know one guy, but we're just friends. He's a senior. He's setting a bad example too, so I ignore him most of the time. I have gotten to the level of loneliness though, that I think I'll take anybody who comes along. Lemme use an illustration. I'm leaving a football game (I'm in the band) at about 10:30 at night with the aforementioned guy. We walk to his car and get in, and we head down the road towards my house. We drive there, and then drive right past. He's decided it's way too early, and maybe we could go do something. He suggested going to "Toys-R-Us" and wreaking havoc. NOT what I had in mind, but..... So we drove up to the store, only to find an empty parking lot... needless to say my mind was reeling... ooh- empty parking lot, cute guy. But no, he drove on. We drove around aimlessly for awhile, but he decided to head back to my house. We drove up to the house, and I told him to keep going. I had him park the car down the street from my house, and he put it in park... We sat there, and I wanted to make a move, but didn't know how. So I clumsily started conversation. We talked about absolutely nothing for about an hour. I kept wishing I were brave enough to grab him and kiss him and, you know... But I didn't. Finally, it was getting near my curfew, so we drove back up the street, and we slowed down by my house, and I sheepishly asked (I swear I did!) "Would it be too forward of me to ask for a kiss?" and he answered that we were just friends. He didn't like me like that. I knew that was the answer, but I was just so desperate to HAVE someone! Arrrghh. And now, I'm in the post-desperation mode, and I'm just quietly seeking someone.

I have two crushes. One was a guy that I met at band camp over the summer. He was my first crush, and my strongest, ever. I just can't get him off my mind. Here I am in January, still thinking of him, The reason I'm still thinking of him is because he called me the other day, long-distance. I was so happy that all I could do was babble. There's a fun story behind him, too. See, we had a lot of time off from band camp that day, so we decided to walk off campus and go get pizza at the place right across the street. So we went there, my friends and I, and ordered, and just sat there, bored. We decided to liven up the conversation by starting a game of truth or dare. Let me tell you now - nothing good ever comes of this game. It's evil. It leads to regret, among other things. Do not try this at home... So we were sitting around and saw this group of ten year olds or something, sitting across the restaurant. We decided that for one of the dares, we could make them react to us. My friend decided that it would be funny if my crush and I exchanged a fake, but obvious kiss. I fervently declined, being unsure of myself at the time..... I regret that soooooo much. I wish I had taken the plunge... I know I would have enjoyed it... But I didn't... I'm a freak. In retrospect, I think he's gay. I mean, he's very fashionable, has mostly girl friends, everything.... I'm looking forward to being his roommate at band camp again....

My other crush is a guy who sits in front of me in English class. He's really cute, and really shy. He's a new guy, but I don't want to be too forward with him, so I don't scare him off. I'll keep you posted, but nothing's come of it.. I feel bad. In most first columns, people try to tackle major issues and declare their point of view. All I've done is rambled on about my personal life, or lack thereof. So I'll discuss something controversial now.

Okay -- in my area of Texas, a lot of the people are conservative southern Baptists, with strong views on things in general. There's a general consensus, though it isn't spoken aloud, that homosexuality is distinctly against God's teachings. That's where I fully disagree. I was raised Catholic, and I've always believed that God is love, and all who live in love, live in God. That may not necessarily be a Catholic belief, but it's certainly mine. I think that as long as you are sorry for your sins (and I don't think being gay is a sin....), that you are forgiven in His eyes.... there.... that's my soapbox... I'll step down now...

Enough of the madness... If people want to get in touch with me, Hey! just write me email! Email is the most wondrous form of communication since the Pony Express, in my opinion... so write me at jimmy.arnett@chrysalis.org or you can look for me at IRC #gayteen under "_Cobalt_" .... I'll be happy to talk, either way... so just drop me a line....

Before I shut the proverbial door.... a quote that I really enojy from "Dead Poets Society" Todd : "You speak and people listen... I'm not like that." Neal : "Don't you think you could be?"

On that note, farewell, until next month.....


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