"Love its self remains constant; only the particular body from whom we sometimes come to expect it may change."
Hello all. I'm new here so I'll take a moment to introduce myself. My name is Jason Lyons. I'm from Southern Michigan and currently attend Jackson Community College. I recently turned twenty-two and within the past year started to come to terms with my bisexuality. There are a few important people in my life that I am out to, but my family isn't part of them.
In fact, how about a tree trimming story. I'm rather close to my niece who is sixteen. We have basically grown up together as brother and sister. She was bugging me this year about putting up the Christmas tree and volunteered to come over and help me out with it. Half way through the tree, we started one of those in depth conversations on sex. She was telling me about a friend of hers at school who was a lesbian and how she had came out to her the week before. Then, out of the blue my niece asks me if I am gay. Now this is the question that I have most struggled with. I told her no. Because I feel that being gay and being bi are two totally different experiences, I felt comfortable with my answer. But now I wonder, if she had asked me if I was bi, would I have been honest? I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Family, we don't get to pick them, we just get the privilege of being a part of t hem. My entire family was together for Christmas, The first time in sixteen years. It wasn't all that bad. I just kept reminding myself that there are a lot of families that can't be together for the holidays and that I needed to appreciate this time. Barring of course those times at the dinner table when it suddenly became open season on minorities. My lovely sister-in-laws, whom I care about dearly, took it upon themselves to point out all of the faults of gays, lesbians and bisexuals. This was a special moment. I had a strong desire to ask them to change topics, but decided to use this as a learning experience. And did I ever learn from this. I learned that it would be a cold day in hell before I come out to my family. According to my sister-in-laws, the minority I belong to is trash and doesn't deserve to share the air they breathe. I had been feeling bad all week, but at this particular moment I felt pretty ill. But now that I think about it, my brothers, being the total mama boys that they are, sat there and said nothing. My father said that he felt that that lifestyle was wrong but that it was important for us not to judge "them." That made feel like a human being again. Then to, in the past couple of years my dad had become cool like that. Since my mom passed away he has found his voice, so to speak. I wonder if there is a chromosome in my family that causes us guys to be attracted to domineering females with delusions of grandeur...
I took my dad to the doctors today. It seems he has pneumonia. They did a chest x-ray and are going to let him know in the morning if he has be hospitalized. On the way home I was listening to Jennifer-Love Hewitt. She has a song called "No Ordinary love". That song reminded me of someone I used to be real close to and love very much. We'll call him "Stephen".
We met and became good friends off the bat. He was about a year and a half younger than me. We both lived out in the boonies so when he moved in next door it was great. Being about an hour or more from anything remotely similar to civilization, we spent a lot of time walking, sitting around listening to music and watching movies together. I was eighteen and he was a little over sixteen. I'm not sure exactly what it was that attracted me to him. I guess it was the challenge he offered me. He came from an abusive home and had so many walls to protect himself from harm, that all I wanted to do from the moment I met him was to be let within those walls. Now that I think about it, I wonder if I ever really got in. I remember that we shared some very special moments and I know I had some real strong feelings for him, but in the end he became abusive. I knew it was there, he knew it was there, he didn't seem to care though. I broke our friendship off several times and he always came back a few months later saying that he had changed, but it was never true. I miss him very much. I pass him on the road every now and then and bump into him at a mutual friends home occasionally. He acts like nothing is wrong to this day. For awhile he would give me a hug and tell me that he misses me, but now I don't let him. I physically push him away if necessary, but I don't leave his presence. To leave a room that he is in, just because his is there, would be like continuing to give in to him. Instead I stay and ignore him. Better for him to "deal" with my presence than for me to "deal" with his. The sad thing is I believe I will always love him very much.
It's another day and as I think about the coming days, I wonder what they will bring. There is a horror there. It's the fact that I have plans for the weekend and they rely on the weather. And remember, I live in Michigan. Seven inches of snow today, a flood by noon tomorrow, and a drought before nine in the evening. O.K. so maybe that is a little melodramatic. A little sarcastic perhaps. But believe me, the weather changes as often as my niece changes clothes. She's sixteen and fits the stereotype. I'm planning on going to see a dear friend at Western this weekend, weather allowing. I'll refer to her as "Sarah".
If I believe in reincarnation (I'm not sure yet), I would believe that we were twin souls tore apart to enter this life. As frustrated as I get with her at times, love is always there and it always will be. She can do no wrong that I will not forgive her for. She is my soul sister, a bond far deeper than friendship. She knows not of my bisexuality. I believe that she may suspect, but she isn't one to ask. She knows that I will tell her when I am ready. And I believe that I have reached that point. I believe I will tell her by showing her this article that I have wrote for Oasis. We can go for coffee at the bookstore or local Coffeehouse, and over Mocha I will ask her if she would like to read an article I have written for a magazine. And then I shall sit and wait for her to finish...all the while dying inside. However I can go no longer hiding this from her. There is nothing else about me that she doesn't know, I'm not going to keep this from her. Of course by the time you read this I will have already done this. Maybe I can update this article before sending it in. I hope so.
By the way, Snoopy, Hi! Love ya. You know who you are.
I am so pumped and I have no idea why. I just feel like I could run forever and never touch the ground. I was kind of lonely the last couple of weeks, being bed ridden sick I was cut off from my friends. And now with the temporary third shift it makes it even harder to see them. But then Snoopy sent me a card. I just got it today and I was already in a pretty good mood, it just helped remind me that just because I don't always get to talk to my friends and see them as often as I like that I am in their thoughts as much as they are in mine. It's good to know that I am loved.
Well it happened. Frickin' snow up to my ear lobes. Well at least my ankles. I'm disappointed but there will be another time when I will be able to go see Sarah.
It's time for good-byes my friends, at least until next month. If you would like to drop me a line, reach me at firstname.lastname@example.org I look forward to hearing from you.
©1997 Oasis Magazine. All Rights Reserved.