[oasis] [columns]

Matt Mitchell

March 1997

Let it Snow...

Hey all you unfaithful readers...this is the Matt-type-entity. Another month, another tirade.

You know what pleases me to no end? I can count on the U.S. government to protect me and the entire world from indecent, inappropriate, lewd, subversive, and dangerous trash like this article and this online magazine. Sure wouldn't want any of that free speech to get out and corrupt our collective moral fiber any further, would we? No sir. It's just refreshing to know that the U.S. gub'ment is not only the world's policeman, but the world's baby-sitter as well. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy...like I feel when I'm about to ralph.

Just remember, Uncle Sam is watching you. Especially while you're beating off to that kiddie-hamster-bondage porn you downloaded from that insidious newsgroup alt.sex.we-have-basic-human-rights-to-communicate-whatever-the-fuck-we -want-to--so-there-bitches.

I also read somewhere that the German and Canadian governments have contemplated taking similar steps towards outright oppression. Any Germans or Canadians here care to let me know? I've been quite ill and didn't have the opportunity to research this for this month's article. So I guess this month's column will be of the "being a gay teen sucks hardcore" variety. Sorry. I always gained a small measure of relief in knowing that not all "democratic" and "free" societies are as backward as America...but perhaps I am wrong.

It's snowin' here in the DC area. Nice because we get the day off...and since I'm a senior and graduation day's fixed on June 12, let it snow! I ain't gonna be making up the days! The ONLY good thing about being a senior...

The "My-Life-Sucks" Dept.--

Speaking of senior events...a BAD thing is approaching. I feel it in the air. I shall not speak its True Name, for to do so would cause mental anguish in all who ever had to suffer through the event as a les/bi/gay high school student...yes, you know what heinous torture I speak of...all of the football players rent tuxes and select cheerleaders to fuck...rent a room, all that shit...every guy and girl feels the pressure of not having a "date" for what amounts to either a ridiculously expensive one-night-stand or a ridiculously expensive and crappy quasi-dance in a hotel lobby. Yup. Got it yet?

My best friend asked me yesterday (mind you it's JANUARY) if I had a date. I just laughed at him. Of course not, I said. He's now got it in his mind to set me up with this girl named Jenny...who's pretty cute, I guess, but quite evil. She thinks I'm "intriguing," which is an appropriate comment, I suppose. We really talked for the first time as part of a group discussion about sex that my aforementioned best friend started. He also keeps trying to dump his girlfriends on me. Two in the last two weeks, I'd say, is a little ridiculous. I just tell them that he's a bastard and not to worry about it; he treats them like shit, actually. If I were interested, I might take advantage of the situation...but if they only knew!

That reminds me...when I talk with people, I always wonder how far to go...and to what extent people are trying to find out things about me that I'm not ready for them to know. Communication is just a game, a contest to get more information out of something than you're willing to give up yourself. (Who says I'm a cynic?) Sometimes I think people already DO know, and it's just up to me to put the stamp of approval on their judgment by coming out.

My brother, for instance, asked me what I thought of Barry Melrose (ESPN hockey analyst) and his comments on the Fabulous Sports Babe Show today on the Deuce (who says queers only like sports because of the guys who play!) about this Canadian junior hockey coach who molested many of his young players, including the then-14-year-old Sheldon Kennedy (currently 27 and a member of the Boston Bruins). He basically suggested that all pedophiles should be locked up for life and even kill themselves, and the tone of his comments suggested that he placed gay men on a similar (although clearly not the same) level. I ignored the question, but wondered why he would ask.

I took my brother's friend, along with six other people, to see Jackie Chan's First Strike (not his best, but not bad). It ended up being a shitty evening, but not for me. Seems my best friend (the one mentioned above) was being a real asshole to everyone, including his also-previously-mentioned girlfriend, who was none too pleased. I wished I could have brought Matt (that's his name too...what a coincidence; plus the seventy-four other "Matt's" who write for Oasis) along without having to invite my brother. I guess sooner or later I'll just have to bite the bullet. What I would really like is to be over at his house; just him, his little brother, and me. Might be a good conversation, eh? And maybe more... So I arranged to sit next to him at dinner (6 guys, 2 girls, so no problem). We didn't talk much, unfortunately. But I did get to talk to him as I was taking him home. I asked about his brother, and he said he genuinely didn't know if he was gay or not. I suppose someone's got to find out. Only problem is that he's pretty young -- that is to say, my eighteenth birthday is approaching, and thanks to the legislation of "morality" through the device euphemistically referred to as the "age of consent," I might find myself in legal trouble if anything were to go awry. Sucks!

Switching gears. I do apologize for the level of U.S.-only material last month. I love Canada too! No, really. I do. I just had to get that off my chest.

Since I'm in such a good mood, I'd like to thank Oasis's new editor, Mike Ditto, for his hard work during the change of editorship. I'd also like to thank Jeff and Jase for their work over the past year-and-change. The mag is great and getting even better.

Thanks as well to all of the people who wrote me in response to my first column. I appreciate the support. And I do respond to every email I receive, as long as I can stay conscious long enough to type out a response (not necessarily a sure thing...)

Hmm...Song lyrics contest, anyone? Yeah yeah, I know *everyone* has a song lyric contest, but I'm a follower; I want my own! Carefully chosen selections for this month follow. One correct answer is good...if you get all three, I must be suffering a schizophrenic attack. But these are relatively easy...Song title, artist, and album title...email me with your guesses (and whatever else you'd like).

Selection 1:

1-1-2029, West Europe, midnight
Invisible and silent, circling overland
Scanning, taping, filing, instantly checking
Every human, car and plane of the quarters we survey...

Selection 2:

Breathing underwater, and living under glass
And if you spin your love around
The secrets of your dreams
You may find your love is gone
And is not quite what it seemed
To appear to disappear
Beneath all your darkest fears

Selection 3:

The bigger the cushion, the sweeter the pushin
That's what I said.
The looser the waistband, the deeper the quicksand
Or so I have read.
My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo.
I love to sink her with my pink torpedo.

Until next month...

[About the Author]

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