Robert Hines

April 1997

Hello People,

Sorry I didn't write last month, not a lot has been happening really and I been to busy, paradox? Tonight I just got back from Halifax, my 2nd trip up there in 3 weeks and, well, it's civilization for me. My Valentine's Day sucked, of course with no one again, everyone pity me. School has been a real drag, I just puke walking there, I get the occasional "faggot" in the hallway but since I've started new classes this semester I haven't been getting that much off of anyone lately. I've kinda fooled around on these trips up and well I kinda scare myself sometimes, trying not to lose it and just go to pot. I don't know if I'm just like that or if it's living in a place with hardly any gay community. In CLM class we were picking a topic to debate and sexual orientation was on a list of 20 but I didn't want to start anything, most of the people in the class didn't know anyway.

I managed to catch mono somehow. I'm not sure how but my mother told me before we went up to Halifax that I wouldn't be able to fool around. I mean she assumes I do, not really. I mean it's all new to me really, being an inexperienced person. She ain't stupid though. Two of my friends have taken a concern in something I don't see that big of a deal, there just worried about me. I kinda wanna talk about this in this article. Harmless fooling around or if its being that big bad S word, well I guess that only applies to sex so I ain't gonna mention it. I keep telling them of course a relationship with commitments and obligations and all that crap would come first of course. All these people that could become something more than fooling around are kinda far away from this hick town. So what do I do when I go away? I just started thinking is this just a gay thing? I dunno...I'll just go on. They're right there so why not do something? Mind you it being safe and all. How can you expect to be into a relationship with someone who is 4 hours away? I don't think I could, so if something does happen, what does it all mean? I'm all confused about it myself. But its the only thing remotely gay that's been on my mind lately. I asked one of my female friends what she would do if she didn't have to deal with a pregnancy thing and she said she'd screw anything with 2 legs. So I'm like you, ok, cool.

She said she'd just fool around if she felt like it and that. But she's with someone anyway and I'll stop using her as an example, how is she right anyway? Why do I keep asking people what they would do. It's like I'm trying to get enough people to tell me that they would do stuff so when I do I feel like I'm doing what everyone else is, peer pressure I guess that I'm putting on myself. I gotta stop doing that. Who cares what they think is right, what do I think is right. I realized that I'm a real impressionable person, taking it all in and then trying to do what everyone else is doing. It's something like this -- I can't stand having to deal with this short hair, the kind that's so short that a week later when it grows in a bit it looks awful, I just wanna brushcut my head, but then people would think it would be too weird here, even though it wouldn't be I'd still get pulled over by critical people. If it doesn't look good so what, I know that. I feel so backwards sometimes. I have the really big things down like being gay is ok no matter what people say, but getting my head buzzed isn't. It kinda makes me feel good though that I'm so comfortable with being openly gay. Maybe the small things are overlooked by everyone. Maybe everyone is backwards like that.

I find the gay community around here to be a little skanky, well especially in Sydney with our infamous North End, the gay drag, where gays meet gays for purposes other than socializing. I've talked to another friend about this, actually today we did, how people use age as an excuse, I kinda of do myself. I'm 16, I'm allowed to fool around, well I'd hope to think that I'd be smart enough not to judge my behavior on how old I am. If you use that as an excuse than where does it end? How old is too old to do all of this? If you do it at 16 and age doesn't matter then what is stopping you from doing it when your 31? I don't know where I'm going with all of this, my mind is pouring onto your screen. It's like if your gay then it's a secret world where you can do whatever you want, fool around. Yeah, that's a secret too, right? You hardly ever see a girl going around without having a reputation after being with a few guys. It's two guys right, so you can both do whatever? It seems like gay guys lately have to be butch butch butch, around here anyway. I can just see myself getting 100's of e-mails with topics like Gay:Butch?. Does anyone agree with what I'm saying? It's all my opinion anyway, there I go again worrying what people think. As far as I'm concerned a gay guy with this attitude of being a 'man' is pretty much as narrow minded as any redneck, cause orientation don't matter. Just be whatever gender ya want, act the way ya want, dress the way ya want. I haven't lost it people. I will write next month! I updated my homepage, take a peek.

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