James Maes

April 1997

Hello and thank you for seeing if I can write a damn thing. I have been reading Oasis for about 6 months and I love to write, so I thought that I might put the two together and write for Oasis. I'll tell you a little about my self, (due to the fact that this is my first time). I'm 16 (Almost 17), I live in a little homophobic town of 3,000 where if you comb your hair the wrong way they just might put in jail for the night. I've been "gay" since I was about in 7th grade. I have had one boyfriend, Jay (not his real name) and I play football. I attend Chester High School in Chester Illinois. I'm the student admin. of the computer network, I'm in the advanced math and computer science study course and I love to write, although I can not spell to save my life. I guess I'm writing this column to help express some feelings and dreams about my life. I have always wanted to become friend with other kinds of people, people who do not conform to society. Like everyone else here who writes, I'm not much more then another lonely gay teen trying to cope with the way we are. The lucky ones have found a way to deal with it, but I have yet to.

I hate peons. I hate single minded people. I hate people who hate people. I have thought about coming out the last month. But then I thought twice after we had a talk about William Shakespeare today in Brit. Lit. He might have had an affair with his producer when he was about 20 years old. It just happened that his producer was a young male much like himself. Then out of nowhere about five people in our class started saying things like "Queer" and "Faggot" and one of them went as far as to say that if he ever saw a "poop packer" ( I think that one is kind of funny) that he would beat the shit out of them just because they might have of looked at him. This is coming from a guy that is one of the "Leaders" of the school. Me being 6'8" and about 285 lb. I told them all to shut up and read about Bill (William Shakespeare) Oh, by the way, I forgot to tell you that William Shakespeare is the BEST writer of all time and that I mold my life after his, the only difference is that he could get a man and I still can not. Oh well, sad for me.

Today is the first day of spring. Very cool. I can only hope that this upcoming summer will be better than the last. I spent last summer working at the roadhouse and looking at all the cute teenage boys at the public swimming pool. It's OK for me to look at them because I'm the same age as them. This summer I getting a part time job at the local computer store. I will be working on computers and learning. And if I'm lucky I will get to meet xanou, my mirc b.f.

That brings up another good thing about life, mirc. I love IRC, it's where I think I first found out that I was gay. I hang out on #gayteens, #gayasian, and #gayftptraders, I'm a op on the last of the three. I usually go by "interex" or "Wong," my grandmothers maiden name. As you might has guessed, I'm part Asian, although it shows very little. Boy, I have already wrote quit abit but still have yet to say a damn thing. I think it time for a thought...

The condition that is now called gay was later called queer. The operative word was faggot and, later, pussy, but those epithets really had nothing to do with the question of sexual preference: You were being told simply that you had no balls. (James Baldwin (1924-87), U.S. author, Freaks and the American Ideal of Manhood, in Playboy (Chicago, Jan. 1985; repr. in The Price of the Ticket, Here Be Dragons, 1985).

After the thing that happened in English (the Bill thing) I was told by my teacher that back in the 15th, 16th and 17th centuries, homosexuality was almost as commonplace as heterosexuals and that most men where also bisexual at the time. Boy, I can't help but thing that must have been the time to live, I could be gay and not worry. And that brings up another thing. I think that my English teacher knows that I am gay. I have to write in a journal everyday and I have often just let my emotions fly and have wrote what I really thought. Looking back I saw that I wrote about my love of Jay (not his real name). She has got to know, but she's that kind of person that whatever goes and she doesn't judge people on their sexuality or their race or the color of their hair, but by what is inside and by what your mind can think of. If I ever come out, I will probably tell her first, she would be there to talk to and to help me. Anyway, I think this is the end of this column. Please e-mail me if you read this column, I have a very low self esteem and if you read this then I will at least know that someone out there is at least hearing me. 

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