June 1997

Falling In Love Is So Hard On The Knees...

"You shut your mouth, how can you say?
I go about things the wrong way,
I am human and I need to be loved,
Just like everybody else does..."
- The Smiths

If anyone can guess which song that quote is from, you know your music very well..

My name is Schell and I'm bisexual. Wow, that wasn't so bad. I've been reading Oasis magazine for quite a while and even attempted to contact some readers on occasion. I am partially out to a few friends, and have not even discussed this with my family yet. I felt an immense attraction to a very cute guy I met for two minutes at the gay bar a month ago here in Saskatoon, and well..?

This is when I knew for sure that I was bi. During my high school phase in Regina, Saskatchewan, I knew I was straight, and I dated straight. But things changed when I moved up to Saskatoon. Apart from the fact I love Saskatoon a lot more, I found myself more open to explore my sexuality. The real searching began when I bought my computer last summer. This meant private exploration, and getting some answers. So I began meeting people on the net and my curiosity and exploration delved deeper. After reading Oasis magazine, and the many personal columns, I attended GLUS (Gays & Lesbians at the U of S) for the first time in February. I made a couple of friends (Well almost, one guy figured I wanted to jump in the sack with him right away, thus leading to much miscommunication) and slowly branched out a bit. Things moved slowly until finally in April, something changed...

I went to a rave at Diva's (G&L bar -- now my favorite bar) on a Saturday night, just wanting to unwind. I met a lot of straight people and gay people from the University (even ran into a cousin I see once in a blue moon!!) I finally realized that the gay community was much larger than I had expected. Then, at one in the morning, I saw HIM....

My jaw almost hit the floor. I was blindsided pretty good. Finally, at 2:30 a.m., and three Labbat Ice later, I went and talked to him... and only got his name (because after two minutes the courageous feeling the beer gave me wore off). So after talking to a close friend the night after, I finally came face to face and admitted to her I was bi. Sure, I had seen good looking men before, but this one really floored me. So, I spent a little more time at the bar (we always seemed to just miss each other though); and I'm still totally taken aback when I see him in my head, or think about him, or still pull out that cheesy Def Leppard disc.

So I began to come out to some friends, a co worker, but now I have my family I need to tackle. I saw Ellen's "coming out episode" and I think a lot of work needs to be done on my family, as well as some of my friends, before I can come out completely. The other thing is that life is not like an Ellen episode, and I have to do this in the right way. My mother shouldn't be a problem, my dad will be. And even though they're divorced, I'm really scared. My mother will understand because I think she's more open minded. My dad won't cause he's so set in his ways (and can be an utter prick at times). Right now my main concern, is finding that guy so I can get more than his phone number (hopefully a lot more). In total, my life is going kind of well. I'm inching my way out and am happy to be infatuated. I'm glad to have friends who support me and I'm also glad to be in a community where I'm more comfortable to do my searching than other areas in Saskatchewan..

Well, with Metallica coming in May, The huge Mirage rave at the end of May, Bush and the new Tea Party, and my 20th b'day in June. it looks like I'll be in for one helluva summer...

Oh, and e mail me sometime. I'll chat with all and any.. see you guys next month.

[About the Author]

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