June 1997


I'm not really sure how to start this off, so I may as well tell everyone a little bit about good ol' me? My name's Tyler, although everyone except my Mom calls me Ty -- for some reason she refuses to call me Ty. It really drives me nuts sometimes! My nickname's Tyomaniac, which is what my younger brother Chris (too bad I can't use his real name) called me when he was really little, and it stuck with me. I'm really small for my age -- I'm one of the smallest boys in my school -- and I have brown hair and blue eyes, in case anybody wonders what I look like? I'm a day student at a local all-boys boarding school in the 7th grade -- I should be in 8th grade but I was born past the cutoff date; I'll be 14 in December. Oh, by the way, I'm gay.

For as long as I can remember, I knew that I was different from the other boys my age, but I never could figure out why or exactly how? I'm not that much into sports, except for soccer which I absolutely love (I'm the goalie for my school's JV soccer club) and I'm also heavily into cycling, but I wasn't a total sports head like almost all the other guys were. I just couldn't recite batting and passing stats verbatim like just about everyone else could. Then again, I really suck at math, so that might have just a bit to do with that???

But there were other things that would happen that I could never figure out. . . like how I would get these crushes on other male classmates that would last months. . . or how I would "look" at other guys privates whenever I had to pee in school. I had heard the word "homosexual" before ( I have a gay uncle, by the way) but I never, ever thought about attaching that term to myself. Plus, while almost all the other guys stayed away from girls, I thought they were pretty cool, I've always been able to talk freely with them, some more freely that with other males. . . to this day, one of my closest friends is a girl my age that lives across the street from me. I'll call her Anna, and she's really special to me.

Personal Stuff

Both sides of my family are Dutch, and both sets of my grandparents moved to the United States when my Mom was 5 and my Dad 7. . . It's kind of ironic that my parents have known each other almost all their lives. Most Dutch learn to speak English as a second language at a early age, and my parents were bilingual from the beginning. My grandparents had wanted to leave Holland since after WWII because they didn't feel safe there any longer and felt they could do much better in the U. S. The also lost a lot of their friends to the Nazis, and that never left them. Whenever I visit them they talk about all the people they knew that were killed. It's really sad.

My Mom's family kept their Dutch last name but my Dad's changed theirs because they felt they could fit it better, so my last name is actually a fairly common one; It's the translation of the Dutch word. Since my parents already spoke some English, they had a pretty easy time fitting in, and my grandparents weren't given too much of a hard time here, although there were a few minor problems that I'm sure any immigrant would go through. The two families lived together in New York City for a few years and then moved to where I live now (sorry, I can't say where) when they could afford to buy two separate houses. My Dad and my uncle both went to the same school I attend, so it's a family tradition now, although my brother goes to public school because he wants to be with his friends. His choice.

In Europe most baby boys aren't circumcised. . . in fact only Jewish and Moslem boys are, so when my brother and I were born naturally we weren't cut. My Mom said that they had to go through a lot of hassle in order not to have us cut!! In Europe it's the other way around. Strange! I never knew there was a difference until my parents joined a local swim club when I was 8 and I started seeing other boys in the changing room , and I saw how different they looked. I think maybe that's what got me interested in other boys? I'm a little bit embarrassed about this, but even as a little kid my penis was a bit bigger than most boys, and the foreskin made it look even longer, so I got a lot of stares and I even ended up being called "Bottlehead." I really hated that!!!! So I asked my parents what was going on and they showed me this book for little kids about sex, and it was mostly pictures showing the different anatomies. My Dad always told me I should be proud of my body and after a while the name calling didn't bother me anymore, but the weird looks always got to me.

Another thing that drives me nuts is that I haven't started puberty yet, I know that a lot of other boys in my class at school haven't yet, but it's kind of annoying to hear other guys talk about what's happening with them and here I am and nothings changed yet. I don't even have to wear deodorant (maybe I shouldn't complain about that?). Hopefully over the summer I'll start changing.

Becoming Gay

Even after my parents told me about sex, I still didn't attach any of the feelings I was having to being gay, but I still felt funny about looking at other guys. I didn't know anyone I could trust to talk to about that stuff, so I just kept it inside of me. I didn't even want to go to my parents, because I was scared about how they would feel.

When I was in 4th grade I met this other boy in my class (I'll call him Eric) and we kinda became really good friends, but we couldn't spend too much time together after school because he lived all the way on the other side of my town and I wasn't allowed to ride my bike all the way over there, and vice versa. That summer he moved to my neighborhood and we spent as much time together as possible. . . he's the first real friend I even had!!! We live pretty close to this huge forest, and we spent a lot of time in there playing. This one really hot summer afternoon we were in there and it was so hot we decided to take our clothes off -- it was at least 100 outside, and not much cooler in there! As soon as he saw my penis he just said "What's that?" and as soon as I saw that his had been cut I knew what he was talking about. But instead of being mean about ours being different, he thought it was totally cool! The next thing I knew he was masturbating me. . . it was the most incredible thing I had ever felt!!!! From then on that's what we did as much as we could, but as much as that happened I never once felt weird about it. Not once.

When I was 11, my uncle visited us and he came out of the closet to us all at the dinner table. . . my parents freaked out because suddenly they had to explain to my brother and I what he meant by being gay. They weren't too happy about what he did either; he ended up leaving the next day even though he was supposed to stay with us for a week. I stayed up the whole night putting two and two together and then realized that I was gay too. When I talked to Eric about this he told me he knew he was gay also, but he didn't really care. That's the way he is about things, he doesn't let anything bother him at all!!!

Gradually Eric and I started doing other stuff together sexually, and he was the one to always want to try new things, like kissing and oral sex. He's pretty adventurous, and sometimes he comes up with some pretty crazy ideas that I'd rather not discuss here. I tried to get him to write a column for this 'zine but so far he doesn't want to.


One of the cool things about going to a all-boys school is that you get to be around just guys all day, which makes me feel like I'm in Heaven!!! I really like going to this school much more that public school, I'm getting higher grades and I know I'm learning more. The teachers give us a lot more attention because there's only 10 students in each class at the most, and they go out of their way to help us out. Plus, the rules are strict, so when you screw up you get into some serious trouble -- I've been paddled twice, and trust me those swats HURT!!! They let us get away with little things, but anything that disturbs a class just isn't tolerated at all. I think almost every first year student goes through a adjustment period when they come here, because it's totally different than public school.

Every new student is matched up with a older student, who serves as a mentor and a guide, and actually is the first friend made here. My mentor's name is Scott (you know the bit by now about real names) and he's a Freshman, and he's into cycling even more than me (they match up mentors to new students by similar interests)!!! So not only did we hit things off really well, we've actually become good friends! He's helped me out so much with all the adjustments I had to make, and the biggest was having to take showers with other guys after gym class and soccer practice. That was really rough for me, and Scott told me that that's one of the biggest things new students have a hard time with. He told me just to act like I can't see to well and to just relax and after a while it's no big deal. That really worked for me!!! Plus, a big percentage of guys here are uncircumcised like me, so I blended right in. I was worried about that like you wouldn't believe!!!

All students here have full Internet access, and one day last month I happened to be doing a search and I ran across this 'zine. I was scared that someone would catch me, so I wrote down the address and at home later that night I read every column from every issue that was available. . . I can relate to so much of what people write!!! It's helped me to feel better about myself, knowing that I'm not alone and that there's more people like me out there. I'm probably one of the youngest writers (13)?

But there are some downsides to not going to public school. Everyone I hang out with goes to the same public school, and I'm lost when they talk about different people from school that I don't know. And I can't really help Eric or my brother too much with their homework because we're learning totally different things. I kinda feel left out sometimes, and it really sucks when Eric goes on a field trip and I can't go with him. This year his class went to Washington, D. C. and I went through three very lonely days while he was gone.

Because I'm really proud of the school I go to, I almost always wear a school t-shirt, or sweatshirt or jacket whenever I'm outside of school and some people give me a hard time about it. I got into a few fights over some of the dumb things people have said to me, but I have to be careful because students from my school can get into a lot of trouble if they cause problems off school property, and fighting is one of those huge no-nos! But most of the time people just ask a lot of questions about the place, and I don't mind answering them. . . well, except sometimes when an old lady asks me a zillion things.

I always look forward to the end of the school day because the first thing I do is head over to Eric's. His Mom doesn't come home until almost 6 P. M. (she's divorced and works two jobs) so Eric and I have the place to ourselves until I have to go home for supper. The first thing we do once we're in his house and the door's closed is kiss for a while and then it's sex time. . . no need to fill in the details there).

So far we've never been caught, but I always worry about that happening. My little brother was caught fooling around with another boy a few months ago, and my parents didn't take that too well. So I'm always extra cautious. But Eric is totally crazy when it comes to doing stuff, he'll run around his house naked and do other stuff I won't mention, and I'm afraid that one of these days he'll do something stupid and we won't be able to be together anymore. That would really hurt me!!!!

My school has dances and stuff with an all-girl's school that's kind of close by, but for most of the guys here it's really weird because most of them aren't used to being around girls at all. I have no problem with them because of my friend Anna, but some of the guys get mortified!!!!

Anna and I have been close for a long time, but she can't stand Eric (and he doesn't like being anywhere near her) so we are practically in our own world. I swear, it's just like that TV show "Flash Forward" on the Disney Channel. The only difference is that we go to different schools. She always tapes it for us to watch together (she's a TV freak) and we laugh about a lot of the situations because we can relate to them so well. I've never felt any romantic attraction to her, although I know for sure she's been had the hots for me a few times. We've kissed before -- it was OK but not as good as kissing Eric -- and we've seen each other naked a few times (nothing happened though), but I just don't think of her as anything but a great friend!!! But it drives me wild when she talks about all these guys she's attracted to in school, because I probably would be too. . . but she doesn't know I'm gay. I feel really weird about that, because I should tell her, it's just that the way she hates Eric, I'd hate to see her reaction.

I don't get to see her as much as I'd like too, but we talk on the phone every night. Believe me, she can talk and talk and talk. . . just like me. But if I was hetero, I know I would be after her as a girlfriend. She's pretty good looking to-for a girl, that is! LOL!!!!

Well folks, I think I've written enough so far, and hopefully this will be in the June issue of Oasis!!! Write me at: tyomaniac@aol.com



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