July 1997

I'm gay and I hate it.

Those words are the first time the admission that I am gay has ever left my conscience. I'm not out to a single living person; only God knows, and as far as I'm concerned that's the way it's going to stay for a long time to come. I will fight it. I will keep trying to bury it. And eventually it will probably drive me insane.

Don't get me wrong; I love the idea of being out. I admire the courage of others my age who are (and I wish I knew some! I've never actually met and talked to another openly gay person). I've considered every angle as far as my life is concerned, and I cannot possibly foresee coming out of the closet unless I were to pick up, move and start a whole new life somewhere else.

I'm 22, a recent college grad, and I live in Michigan. I'm a Christian and I come from a good, wholesome, Christian family. I'm a tall, skinny, white boy. My career is going very well, but it'd be over if anyone knew I was gay.

I'm not going to whine about how conservative my city is, although it is -- more churches per square mile than any other region in the country. The point is, I have established myself as a heterosexual, and in all areas of my life I am satisfied -- except for that nagging need for an intimate relationship with another person. I have great female friends, one of whom I'd consider marrying, but I can't predict if I would be happy, and I would hate to make her life miserable. I have lots of good male friends (though I've never had a best friend, which is a subject for another column). I love my family, I love God. Everyone expects me to find a nice girl, get married, and have kids (it's annoying how that pressure builds once you graduate from college and start working -- it always seems to be the topic at family gatherings and in conversations with single friends).

I can only come up with so many excuses for not dating, since I do have opportunities. I fear that people will suspect soon.

I say I will fight my attraction to men... and yet I cannot resist reading Oasis every month. I can't resist having crushes on cute boys (when I say boy, I mean teenage and above). I can't resist wanting to spend most of my social time with guys who I find attractive (even if they're unquestionably straight and homophobic).

Eventually, I might get married to some girl that I am at least emotionally attracted to, and force myself to have sex with her, in the hope that love will be able to overcome a lack of physical desire. I'm a virgin, by the way... I can't believe 13-year old Oasis columnists are getting more action than I am (where were all the experimenting people when I was growing up?).

I read enough gay stuff on the Internet, including Oasis, to know that a lot of people will think my attitude is unhealthy. Maybe so. Maybe I'm writing this column because I want to shake something loose. Maybe someone's feedback will help me. But I think there are others out there like me, and I wanted to do a column that speaks to them... Oasis has a lot of good contributors, but none that really speak to those who haven't accepted themselves.

Oh, and just so you know... I am not Mr. Gloom and Doom and in my everyday life. Outwardly, I'm a pretty happy person, and my favorite thing to do is laugh.

I'd appreciate any feedback-- pikapika@hotmail.com. Have a great month.

[About the Author]

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