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Brian

July 1997

Wow, it's been a while since my first column here. I know it's been a while since I updated my web page. And it's been a while since I really put some effort into sorting through my e-mail. So, to provide an update for anyone who wants to know, it'll probably be easier to tell you what I *don't* know... (what movie was that from?)

Well, I don't know how awful my grades are going to be yet. I don't know if my loans are going to be cleared for the fall. I don't know if my parents "know about me" yet. I don't know why it's so hard to just ask a guy out. And I don't know why people can't just "live and let live!" I know that just sounds like extraneous whining, but you know what? I think I've earned it.

I tell my mom I'm going to be moving out over the summer. Along with two friends of mine from work and another guy. I said we wanted to move into a house less than 10 minutes away from the University of Cincinnati's main campus (right now I drive 40 minutes to school every day, and 40 minutes back.) She and my father are completely shocked. They can't understand why I think I have it SO BAD at home. They provide everything for me and what do they ask in return? That I take out the garbage and cut the grass. Sometimes I don't even do that! I tried to explain. I'm taking 19 credit-hours (the maximum to take without paying extra) and holding two jobs. Four days a week, when I'm working on the school newspaper, I might not get home until anywhere from 10 pm to midnight, if it's a busy night or the network goes down or something. If, on the few evenings I am home, it is raining (as it tends to do in Ohio), what am I supposed to do? Skip school to cut the grass??!! Why don't they understand, it's not that they're doing anything wrong... I just need some space!

So they both freak out and lay this complete guilt trip on me. In the process, they completely shred any iota of self-esteem I might have had. According to them, I'm not responsible enough to handle it, my financial situation wouldn't provide for it, I would be too trusting of people I shouldn't trust (including my housemates), and there are still a lot of lessons that I need to learn. The first and foremost of them being that "Family comes first -- always." Ya know, I really wish they would practice what they preach. My mom's not so bad about it, but my dad normally doesn't do a thing about anything unless it affects him in some way. I see some of his behaviors cropping up in me and I get so scared.

So, the short version of all that is... I'm not moving out this summer. I get to spend the whole summer listening to the nagging. Do you have any idea how depressing it is to know that I'm never in the house alone... completely, utterly, all by myself (breaking out into Celine Dion recent hit). My dad works at home, and my mom works nights, so she's here sleeping during the days. I am never alone!

I suppose the reason I've been thinking so much is that June 18th is the 5-month anniversary of my first coming-out. The girl I told (my senior prom date) has graduated and will be going to OSU in the fall, so I won't see much of her... we'll still have e-mail, of course. Since that night, I've come out to only two people that I knew before going to college, and both are gay. I've come out also, though, to most of the people I work with at the newspaper, so those are friends that I made just this year. There's probably around 20 people total. Hey, it's a start, right?

But I really don't think I'll be telling my family anytime soon. I think they might already know... I can realistically envision there being 3 possibilities: one, they know and they're just waiting for me to tell them; two, they know and they are ignoring it; three, I'm insane and they can't take a hint!

Okay, enough ranting. Time to think about the good things. Maybe by next month I'll have a happy new love interest to talk about!

So anyway, summer vacation is finally here, so I should have several hours a day when I'm not working (after 3 pm) to update my web page and do all the yardwork that needs to be done. If you're interested in checking my page out.... it's http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/8936/index.html Try not to make fun, OK?

Until next month (can this be any more cheesy? I can smell the Velveeta oozing out of the walls!), take care... and be nice to someone. (hmmm... I think I stole that from somewhere too... can't remember where though. OH! I just remembered!


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