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Doug S.

July 1997

Good afternoon. Well, this is my first article for Oasis. However, I have been reading things written by other guys around my age for a while now. Each month I read Robert Hines' articles. He's Canadian and I like what he has to say.

Alrighty then, maybe some things about moi. Well my name is Doug, I'm 15, only physically; emotionally, I know I'm much older. But, then again, people are often, actually always surprised at my age. They think I'm older that is -- not younger. I live in the north end of London, Ontario, Canada. As for the north end, there is NOTHING to do here. So I'm often bored. See, the north end has its reputation for being.. hmm.. affluent. The only thing to do here is to go to the "rich people mall" as I've heard it called. And mother dearest is so paranoid. It's like I can't go to any other part of the city, because it's all "The bad part of town" Sigh. I actually WON tickets to a concert from my favorite radio station [103.1 The Hawk], but I couldn't go. Why? It was downtown -- at night. Even downtown is not "the best part of town." However I *DO* have a job downtown. Oooo. Why doesn't she just cry about it?! Arrgh. I went downtown yesterday with a friend. Anyone a Simpsons fan? You know the episode where Bart crosses the tracks, and then all of a sudden everything's all run down and he said "Cool, the other side of the tracks" We got to some tracks downtown, crossed them, and wondered if we were in the "bad side of town" yet. Ha.. ha.... ha...... Had to be there. We went to the cafe where I work. My boss is so cool. He's gay, and he's the only person who knows about me, and he gave us a free meal! Yippee skip!

I love Saturday Night Live [fav skits are Janet Reno, Mary Katherine Gallagher, Delicious Dish, cheerleaders and The Roxbury Guys]. I mostly like alternative music, Bush, Moist, Our Lady Peace, I Mother Earth and so on. I like biking, swimming, tennis.. I don't really enjoy school all that much. Only French class. It's really fun. My teacher's great. She's got a sense of humor. Right now in French, we're learning reflexive verbs like I dress myself, I was myself, I amuse myself.. I think it's kinda funny. Tiens maman! Je me suis habille ce matin! Hey mom! I dressed myself this morning! ehhee... Je detest la musique de country. I hate shallow and stupid people

DAMN! I wanted to tape this song!

I'm not at all 'out' as they say, well maybe a little. Ok, big story about this. It doesn't even sound like my life. My life was good up until about grade 6. Since then, many things have happened, this would be way too long to mention them all. My most recent story sounds like a soap opera, just not as shallow -- OK then, it's a really sad movie. The month of March. "Caesar, beware the ides of March" How appropriate. I did have a boyfriend. My life was finally looking up. I only knew him for 3 weeks. But well, anyone remotely my age will agree that's eternity -- and it felt like it. I met him on a chat site on the web, The Park, during the March Break. In the No Holds Barred room (aren't I evil?!?) He was 17, really smart, funny, deep, sensitive, loving and out to everyone. I really admired and loved him. So when I first talked to him I thought he was a really great guy. I told him I wasn't really sure if I was gay or not (and I'm still not sure, I call myself "confused"). The next time we talked, he went by a totally different nick, and just pretended to be someone else. He started a conversation with me, as someone else. He did this to see how I felt, and if he'd get hurt if we became close. Well, he was thrilled to know how I was feeling. Anyway, after a few more conversations, we fell in love. I loved him so much and I still do and always will. I still hadn't met him in person yet. He was going to "sleep-over" on Easter weekend.

But all of a sudden, my world collapsed for the 10 billionth time. I met with his friend and boss, who is now my friend and boss. My boyfriend really wanted for me to meet with his friend, to talk about my sexuality. So, boldly, I hauled ass to the mall to meet him. I got there, and he was really nice, and we walked around a while, and then ended up upstairs. He told me he asked my boyfriend to come with him (this is hard not using names -- that WAS one of the guidelines, n'est-ce que pas? Oh well it wouldn't help anyway, they have the same name). But my boyfriend didn't come along, because I was nervous about meeting his friend/boss already, so meeting both at once, I'd be a wreck. Anyway, we talked, and he told me how special my boyfriend was to everyone and then he kinda stopped. Looked down to the lower level. My heart sunk, I knew he was gonna tell me something bad, I was terrified. He did. The worst news I could have heard. My boyfriend had a brain tumor which could not be removed or anything, since it was inside the brain. He had been living with it all his life, and I had no idea. He told me because he and my boyfriend's older brother didn't want me to get too close, TOO LATE, and my boyfriend had no intention of telling me. He didn't want to hurt me. He didn't want to cause me pain, and he didn't want pity. I was told not to tell him I knew. So I left the mall, went home, and cried for the rest of the afternoon I think. Went to sleep that night, woke up at 2am crying until 3.

At school the next day, Monday, I was really down and quiet, contrasting my normal happy, cheery attitude. And people noticed. I told them I had a lot of homework and assignments and so on. Talking to my boyfriend at The Park after school, he told me someone in his family was really sick. I said I was sorry to hear that. Then someone in the chatroom said something like "Hey, they're posting poetry in the romantic room" So I posted "How Do I Love Thee" to my boyfriend. The last line was "And if God choose, I shall love thee better after death" Slight mistake. My boyfriend knew I knew. He asked me if his friend/boss had told me at the mall. I denied it and he got really upset. He said he was going to ask his brother if I knew, and if his brother said yes, I was gone. So I told him I knew. I cried a lot that week.

On Wednesday night, he told me the pain was really bad, and he thought he would go that night. And.. he did, peacefully in his sleep. The next day, Thursday was such a gorgeous day. The first nice day of the year. It was at LEAST 20 degrees [celcius] really warm and sunny. In his final letter, one thing he said was "Love again... soon, not to fill an empty void with me gone, but because you've got so much to give that someone can use"

So the job I have now, was his. It's a good job, he said it wasn't the greatest. But the money is excellent! Much better than my measely $10/week allowance. My friends all envy me for it. Whoopdedoo.

Today is May 26 1997. It's been two months today.

I'm understandably miserable today. I've been super-bitter the last couple months. Bitching at my parents, family, friends, everyone! No one really understands why.

Ever since my dad found "disturbing" sites that had been visited on his computer, as well as mine, I've been thinking my parents think I'm gay. Which is driving me crazy since they haven't approached me about it. If they did, I don't know what I'd do. I checked the sites, and one was a gay teen newsgroup, another a gay chat, and so on. So really, how can they NOT know I'm gay? And my dad said to me "If there's anything you want to know about girls, just ask." Hello?! You DID find some "disturbing" sites?! So I don't go to The Park anymore [that was one they found] I usually chat on IRC on efnet in #gaytoronto and #gayteen and so on, hoping I'll find someone in London again. London's a big place, a population of 326,000. I know there are gay teens out there. I've been told there are many gay guys at my school. Do I know ONE!? Of course not, only rumors. I met a really nice guy in Alberta.. but.. that's Alberta.. I'm not gonna bike there. We were hoping to meet in Toronto in the summer. And recently met a guy in Sarnia which is about an hour south. I think. But still boyfriendless, which will probably be the case for a while. How can you love someone when you're still in love with someone who's... gone? I'm messed. It's just the greatest feeling to know that someone loves you, and cares about you, and you have someone to love as well.

I had a dream that this guy across the street told me he was bi, then we started hanging out together. Then all of a sudden I'm in the van with mother dearest, and she pulls over on a friend's street, asks me if I'm gay, I say no. And my friend who lived on that street walked by waving. I don't get it. That friend in the dream likes to try to interpret dreams, but I'm not gonna tell him this one.

And right now, I feel as though I have to be with someone every second of the day, I mean, just in the company of someone. You and your dirty minds. Which of course just doesn't happen. So I've been feeling really alone, depressed and isolated lately. Who knows? Who cares? No one. It would be nice to have a shoulder to cry on..

I have to present my independent study project tomorrow. I'm a little nervous. I'm not always nervous with presentations, just this one. I'm not sure why, I guess because it's a biggie. It's on the values and messages in Bush's lyrics. I know it's a LAME topic, but it had to be media related. So naturellement, who else would I write about?

And this concludes my depressing first article. Maybe someone from London will read this? "Yeah, and like the valley girls are ugly" pfft.. This is a Dougism meaning it's very unlikely. But anyone can email me at ss16@hotmail.com. J'adore les emails. "Bienvenue ý l'enfer" [Welcome to hell]

"I want something else, to get me through this, semi-charmed kind of life.."

-Third Eye Blind

"What do you want from me, it's not how it used to be, you're taking my life away, ruining everything.."

-Band Unknown

"IT'S TIME TO TANGO RENO STYLE"

-Janet Reno

"IF YOU ASK ONE MORE QUESTION LIKE THAT, YOU'LL BE REMOVING MY FOOT FROM YOUR ASS"

-Janet Reno

The last two quotes have no relevance to how I'm feeling. I just love Saturday Night Live! I need to laugh. I've been told I'm a good writer, though this article is very spontaneous. It's just my thoughts written down as they pop into my head. It sounds like it was written by a 2-year-old. Oh well. Wow 1998 words.


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