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Erwin Jaeger

July 1997

I ask you to turn your nose up at a kid who will try to play on a variation on tunes that have been played to death... Tunes that have been played, bigger, bolder, and better by some of the most brilliant writers, scholar, students and graduates in the world. If you have ever touched a pen to paper to record a thought, or remembered an idea that allowed you to view a flash of brilliance in your head... you've seen what I will try to achieve.

My opinion is that of a living growing human being (until proven otherwise)... One who lives, learns and experiences life as best he can, who is affected by happenstance, and circumstance alike. Who reviles in words written in passion and chaos, yet questions their meaning after the feelings have left....

I am a demented menial fact of life that few can escape and all can ignore. I'm determined to voice the truth according to the dictates of a mind polluted by toxic amounts of nicotine, coca cola, and too much 70's television reruns.

That is me, that is Erwin Jaeger. Many great things have been said in Oasis, I'm hoping I can continue this fine tradition.

Re: Terrence Wood

"There are no closets in Cyberspace"

BULLSHIT!!

"If you show courage and perseverance there in a greater reward waiting for you around the corner."

This comment has been stated by both Homophobe and homophiles alike. I tend to discount it as I have the above.

Pen names tend to take on a life of their own. They can express what you don't want to. They can be who you can't face. Pen names are the faces you look at in the bathroom mirror when you can't face yourself in the morning. They give you a way out...

With me it was Terrence Wood.

Originally the name came from an English project I had written in grade 11. The assignment was to write a personality profile of a monster (a really sick & twisted bastard)... I named him... you guessed it: "Terrence Wood." As a lark I used him as my pen name. It fit the mood I was in when I first started writing. I no longer use him. During my initial coming out process Terrence Wood protected me from search engines. He kept me safe from my parents and "so-called-friends" who would tell them. I came out to my family... and still used him. He kept me safe form the world at large. He kept me from dealing with those I choose not to deal with...

It could be said that the pen name is just another closet within which a person can hide. So by admitting that I am Terrence Wood; I am outing myself for a second time... It feels weird.

"Because Out is not the best thing since Sliced Bread!"

I can just imagine every cyber-queer political flame & slash artist with an agenda and a neglected soapbox reading this article, sharpening their sticks, and choosing their lynch-mobs wisely.

I believe "Out" is a drug. You take what you can afford.

If you are in the closet in a crockety old town in the boony hills of south-west no-where and your only friends beat the shit out of people who look different, You can't afford that much of "OUT". If you are tired of living in the closet and just want to get going with some major life shattering affirmation, by all means take an overdose!! Free-base "OUT" till your face bleeds! (just remember to read the warnings & possible side-effects written in small print under the "Loud Proud Happy Pride" (tm.)Label!)

Warning: Do not take while under emotional duress, while using narcotics or stimulants of any kind or while under the influence of logic blinding emotions such as Self righteousness, blind-anger, peer pressure.

Possible Side-effects include:

Physical and Verbal assault from others. Severe depression. Alienation from friends and family. Self affirmation. Financial destitution. Homelessness. *Temporary loss of identity(AKA conformity). Substance abuse (see severe depression). Suicide (see severe depression ). * A universal condition noticeable in those who first take "out"

I've seen kids deal with their sexuality before their time. I've heard of great strides made by the unintended champions of queer youth rights. But I've also seen the lines of stress, wear and tear on the faces of kids who took the plunge and regretted it, who were forced to grow up before their time and lost a piece of their youth in the process.

When I came out. I considered the options, waited till the "OUT AND PROUD" emotional bile faded from my system and choose the path which made the most sense to me as a student and as a would-be adult! And for all intensive purposes I remain true to that... took what I could afford.

"Are you not proud of your queer heritage!?.. You disgust me! Your disgusting!!"

The person who said this truly believed what he was saying... I knew this person quite well. I just found it funny how he conveniently forgot how he got kicked out on the street, got ostracized by his family, went through six months of living hell and depression and still remained capable of saying this comment with a straight face. I've been through my own version of hell (all though not so extreme) I just chose not to propagate, expand, or kindle that hell(I am out to those who I feel should know). And now I'm out to everyone who reads this article. Like I said... It feels weird.

I am who I am.
I am not Terrence Wood
I accept myself for who I am
I am not Terrence Wood
I live life as best I can
My Name is Erwin Jaeger


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