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Jason Lyons

July 1997

The Fifth Element...A Missing Piece

It's been quite the month. But then, when hasn't it? Those of you who have been to the movies lately may have found the title of my column half way familiar. After seeing that movie I had many thoughts, one of which was...The Perfect Person? Is it possible, and if it is, could we handle it?

I've been considering my sexuality to great ends this past month. I have come to the conclusion that I am lacking something in my soul, something that is hindering me from fully accepting my sexuality to a greater extent than I already have, which I have found isn't as much as I originally believed.

I'm still too scared or ashamed, I am not sure which, to discuss my sexuality to those I am out to. I have these little panic attacks and wonder, what are they thinking about me, did they see me checking out that guy?

You see these are the things that I have been contemplating. It's been my desire all along to come to the conclusion of whether it is me or peer pressure that is keeping me from discussing my sexuality with them. I reached a conclusion during a round of golf I was playing after going to the movies. The problem is with me, and it's source is the Fifth Element. I lack it for myself. I don't love myself therefore how am I to love or trust someone else?

* * *

Things have been pretty somber for me the past few days. Why? I don't know where to go from here. The emptiness inside was bearable before because I didn't know what it was. But now that I believe I do, I wish I didn't. I don't know how to correct this.

My friends all got together last night to hang out together. I opted not to. Instead, I went to the park and sat watching the water. I guess I was looking for answers, I don't know. I know I didn't find any, although I did feel at peace for a little while. Who would have thought that emptiness could bring pain. Why not just boredom? I could deal with that.


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